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BlazingBob

BlazingBob

I'm still here b/c of my dogs
Oct 28, 2021
566
A torturous neurological disease that makes life absolutely unbearable. Unrelenting exhaustion, going broke, no family, abusive unstable living environment, severe depression, adhd, too many others to list.
 
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ddn.ctb

ddn.ctb

Waiting to step off in front of an audience
Sep 9, 2023
236
Not interested in old age. I'd rather be dead before I loose my abilities
 
C

CoffeeCrow

-
Sep 14, 2023
14
Living with mental disorders ever since I hit my teens, attempting everything to normalize myself without success. Failing pretty much every attempt at getting somewhere and pretending not to suffer but always ending up dropping all compromises due to being paralyzed by mood swings and ultimately, not being able to get out of bed without wanting to die. A main factor, the denial of this by my parents and some family members that are in denial about the problem and try to think I can do what everyone else can.

Every now and then I get a good month or two out of a year. I'm waiting to reach that state to CTB because I will be functional enough to carry it out.
 
Talles

Talles

Member
Mar 3, 2023
26
Unrelenting physical and psychological pain that keeps me from having any happiness out of life. It killed my career and it is now destroying my relationships.
 
aiki__0

aiki__0

Member
Sep 18, 2023
60
Life is extremely cruel to people who are different and don't fit into the standards the world has made. My mental health has made my life hell and I am continued to be punished for something that isn't my fault. I'm so tired.
 
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MiMif

MiMif

I do not live for others to understand me...
Sep 13, 2023
582
Why do you want to ctb? My main reason is being a failure and disappointment, and not having a career, job or income. I wish I could be successful, I see everyone around me advancing in life and I feel more like a failure who hasn't made something out of themself. I'm basically a shut-in at this point, and I've failed to launch successfully into adulthood.

Another reason is me just not fitting into society. I'm neurodivergent (ADHD as well as other things) and I'll never belong or find my place in society. Therefore I want to ctb to escape it. I don't want to have to participate in society. I also don't want to have to work for a living for the rest of my life, I would rather die. I hate the idea of being a slave to capitalism, forced to work for 40 years before I eventually die. I don't think this kind of existence is meaningful or fulfilling.
To be honest I'm not really sure. I guess I can relate to you In not fitting in with anyone. I csn5 show anyone my full true self and I don't like my full true self either. I'm not a failure though I've actually always been a kind of golden child but still I feel secluded by everyone even though I have friends. I also can't understand the point of life. Like is there any meaning. I don't get it
 
U

ultrasharpy123456

Mage
Aug 18, 2022
547
Hm well let's see:

no job, can't get a job (or I can but most likely I'd be fired or I'd quit), can go to college but I'd either drop out or fail, probably won't get a degree, still living with my mom but she is older now and I'm running out of time, hard to drink SN, hard to find a place to drink SN, don't have a gun, hanging is too hard or risky or something like that, I'm a horrible persona nd I keep getting trauma flashbacks, I ruminate on thoughts, head hurts sometimes, arguments I've had keep appearing in my head, no money, extremely hard to get money, can't fit into society because of how I'm prone to acting, can't hold down a conversation, social anxiety, ready to leave, been ready to leave a long time ago but that never worked out, ready to non-exist, want to get rid of my trauma, want to stop experience pain and life itself, tired of life

Hm I think that's pretty much it.
 
iloveeetreeeess1

iloveeetreeeess1

Member
Sep 18, 2023
25
My reasons have changed through out my life but here are some of mine now,

1- I no longer am in contact with my mother (my choice) it is for the better but extremely heartbreaking because she was my bestfriend

2- no longer being able to see a future for myself, used to love acting and singing and hoped to be on the big screen one day but life got in the way and stripped me of all passion and love.

3-being different from others/not being able to relate to people my age

4-seeing everyone grow up and watch as their lives flourish and develop while mine gets to wilt away

5- not being able to explain my emotions/ experiences on a deeper concise level (words aren't, and will never be enough)

6-being stunted by deeply traumatising experiences

7-being gay ( can explain more about this another time)

8- I am chronically unhappy and unsatisfied with everything

the list goes on and on but these are the ones that came to mind :)
 
P

prezmyl

Member
Aug 4, 2023
53
- been trying to fix myself for 13 years since I was badly fucked up once with some pseudo-therapy experiment.
- extreme symptoms for way tool long
- my mind playing painful meaning tricks that reactivates me,
- not sleeping properly for way too long

- I am tired even though it seems I finally got to something that changes my state, but it feels way too late and it is something that I first bumped into years ago when a desperately maintained torso of my life was still around and only thing I needed was the way and knowledgeable guidance through this psychospiritual hell before more and mor shitty things took place.
- - so once a week I go to this Somatic Experiencing therapy session that represent pretty much everything I had been looking for, it helps for a day or two before the dynamic of the symptoms joined with this grieve of lost chances takes over and I want out of my life again
- - even though it is supposed to work like that and now it is about a repetition of getting the body to that state when it starts releasing this raw survival energy again and again, but I cannot finally force myself to be happy about it, I tried to reboot my life too many times under horrible conditions and now I just feel there is no a real motivating reason left and it weirdly feels like a punishment too.

- in my head I was fighting this shit to be finally able to start the life like you do after the school, but
-- almost 40 now
-- back home living with my parents, since I stopped sleeping properly a year ago.
-- stuck in home, not really motivated to do anything beside going to therapy sessions, and trying to ctb at the same time, which is just crazy scenario
 
Whited Sepulchre

Whited Sepulchre

Member
Apr 26, 2020
31
It's easier to state whether you want to die or not than it is to count and mention all the reasons, personal or not, of wanting to die.
Too short of a life for all this pain and sorrow.
How do I love Death?
Let me count the ways.
 
J

jmj2324

Member
Sep 19, 2023
9
I've never felt that I fit in anywhere. Have always struggled to communicate with other people, I am socially awkward, quiet, loner. Have been bullied and pushed around since I was born, and this has continued throughout a lot of my life in one way or another. I have to be clear that my partner is not abusive and I have much love from my own now adult kids and grandkids, but I am just overwhelmingly sad and ready to leave. I know how much I have here to leave behind, but at what point do you say its time? Its time for me to do what I need to do and end my time here on earth on my own terms. I've done my best but its time to go.

I have no friends from my childhood, no adult friends, other than coworkers and they are just that, nice to me but not friends, and certainly nobody I can talk to about my desire to CTB. I cannot burden my partner or family with my thoughts, my partner is well aware and very supportive of my struggle with depression and anxiety but I cannot bring myself to admit my suicidal thoughts and my desire to end my life. I cannot put that onto my partner or my kids. I do not have an answer as to why my own family is not enough to keep me here. I am just tired, so tired of pushing on with this existence.

I am tired of stepping through my life each day, and I want to leave. I am on medication and regularly seeing my GP, but I'm struggling.

I am grateful to have found SS so I have somewhere to read other peoples stories, know that I am not the only one feeling this way, and to know I can safely speak and hopefully not be judged.
 

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