What are your reasons for wanting to kill you self?

[opeth98]

I'll introduce you to mine. They are so intricate and severe it's a miracle I am still alive.

• I am 27 and I am still going to college, because I quit and then went back
• I am ugly and I have been rejected by the man I was in love with
• My parents either abandoned me or died and that left with my old grandma who will most likely leave me too soon, making me end up alone
• My resume is almost empty
• If I don't catch che bus now I might end up living on the streets and starving

Tell me who would be able to function having been dealt such bad cards. Please, help me out.

 

[Harasaki]

I have a few reasons

I'm so ugly I avoid looking at the mirror because it makes me wanna cry

I have no social life, no boyfriend/girlfriend. And I have only one online friend, but none in real life

I don't like going to college because being around people give mt bad axiety atracks and I used to hide and cry ok the bathroom

I never worked and no one would ever hire me because I'm unqualified so I am a burden to everyone around me

Not even playing games give me joy anymore, everyday is the same boredom and sadness.

These are some reasons, but there are a few more

 

[someonelse]

I'm 44 (next week), HIV positive, bipolar one with psychotic episodes and generalized anxiety disorder. Being bipolar has ruined my life: I have extreme manic episodes where I've ended up in jail, have become a total monster yelling and threatening people, and I'm currently being evicted for something that happened in my apartment during my last psychotic episode.

I'm $25,000 in credit card debt from my mania and when I am manic I post all sorts of embarrassing things on social media and ostracize myself from people; both personal friends and professional contacts. I have a handful of friends left but since 2017 I have lost a ton of "friends", most of whom have blocked me on social media etc.

I've also stopped myself from getting work (I'm a freelancer) because of crazy things I've posted or sent to professional contacts while in psychosis.

The thing that scares me most is my last manic episode happened while I was on my medications and in weekly therapy. I'm afraid what will happen if I go manic again. I scare myself when I'm in that state and have zero control.

I'm also on the verge of ending up homeless (I've been living on the cusp of homelessness for a few years now). Im nearly dead broke with no job prospects.

If I don't ctb I'm afraid I'll end up on the streets not able to medicate myself and going mental on people. I'm afraid I'll end up in jail again or worse that I'll attack someone or even maybe kill them. I don't think of myself as a violent person in any way but I have no control over my brain especially when I'm in the state and it's terrifying.

I would much rather die myself than do something to hurt another person. This world is so cruel and unfair.

 

[Pen>Sword]

I've made horrible life decisions, and I've recently failed nursing school. I'm not in good position in my life. When they said that there are things I could improve on, I don't want to improve it. I want to die so that I wouldn't have to face my problems.

 

[elfin]

• grief, just generally not wanting to live without my person
• guilt
• i feel as though i've fucked my life up beyond repair
• i'm terrified of being any older than i am now

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Painful health conditions
I lost my career
I'm running out of money
The extreme anxiety I feel over all of this has made life unbearable.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

-I was abused/bullied for acne skin condition
-During puberty it got worse at 14 where I was tortured and bullied for my skin
-My grades suffered putting me behind
I was undiagnosed Something is wrong with me but I never attempted CTB I just know my brain been off since puberty
-I had a heart break where I was taken advantage of I dropped out of uni and lost the last color and beauty of the world
-I abused alcohol destroying my health
-I watched YouTube videos on religion, and the awful things of humanity destroying my health and ruining my brain further where I can't see the beauty in the world
I was assaulted recently that triggered me to have a manic episode where I was posting awful things about society
- I called the ambulance for my mom and I witnessed them administer her morphine

 

[faex42]

I feel like I am a failure who's had to lean on family on and off my entire adult life for financial support and sooner or later I'll end up with nothing. When I am unemployed I have a lot of suicidal ideation and I engage in active planning. I did that long before I knew that SS exists.. Now I'm old and I still like a failure. I've worked hard for others people's behalf but never learned how to take care of myself. I used to have a much richer social life but I'm alone now and I can't blame it on the pandemic. I notice I return to SS whenever I feel like I could end up on the streets. I prefer to die first. Being homeless here is a heart breaking experience. The streets are mean and unforgiving The vunerable are rotinely abused.
I have other trauma from my adolescence which I don't feel comfortable disclosing here.
Caring for my mom, fearful of the impact my death would have on her kept me alive right through to 2020 when she died of Covid-19. Now I only need means and courage.
So many are gone now, few would miss me.
I am grateful to all the people along the way who made life bearable. I feel in debt to them. A debt that can't be paid because they're God knows where now.

 

[ixkitty]

Alright! So my life as a whole isn't so bad that I want to. I have a pretty decent job that pays my bills. I have a pretty decent apt that I can afford. I'm in the process of starting college again.

But I can't stand up for myself. I can't really say no when it counts. I know the next relationship I get in will be another abuser so I don't actively pursue relationships. I need, and I mean NEED someone with me in order to make any process towards bettering myself because I can't do it on my own. I've seen people find their partners that work with them and help encourage them but I don't know if that exists for me..

There's also the fact I have a phobia of becoming a single parent. Almost everyone I know has been or has become a single parent for one reason or another and I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. At all. So the few partners I have had I request them wrap it up or it ain't happening. Most males that try to become intimate with me don't like it (which I don't care about).

I also fear being pregnant but 80% is due to being a single parent.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

TBH if you're on the street it's not that bad once you find your system as long as (USA) you're in a nice county and you don't have to be a resident to go to a different counties shelter.. granted I lived in the second wealthiest county in my state's homeless shelter January-April last year.. but also outside all of April and still wasn't that bad.

I'm going on 27.
I'm not really sexually attracted to anyone anymore when I really just want to have a boyfriend/partner and adopt.
I can't take care of myself as is, so how the fuck would that work?
Looking for whatever jobs I can to make ends meet when I have0 interest in them and don't have time to go to school and afford to live where I do.
I never really learn from my mistakes.
I'm an alcoholic.
Everything past my 27th just seems less enjoyable when I already can't get high or drunk anymore even after taking months of breaks from weed abs other stuff.

 

[Cats26]

I have many reasons that I have been collecting throughout my life but here's a few major ones:

-I was sexually abused for 10 years during my childhood and had explicit photos/video of me put online at age 9
-I was also neglected and physically and psychologically abused for much of my childhood
-I was raped at age 19 which lead to a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage
-I have very few friends and nobody wants to date me, and all I want is to be loved
-I was engaged to a woman but she was abusive towards me and we ended up breaking up after a very painful relationship
-I am ugly and hate my body and overall appearance
-My family hates me
-I'm barely getting by academically and financially, I fear soon I will be kicked out of college and homeless
-I have BPD which ruins my fucking life more than it already was
-Recently I feel like I just cannot cope with anything anymore and I fear I'm becoming an alcoholic, I am getting drunk right now as I type this

There's honestly much more I could write but I don't want to make this too long.

 

[BlazingBob]

Painful health conditions
I lost my career
I'm running out of money
The extreme anxiety I feel over all of this has made life unbearable.

I'm in the exact same position. Most of the time I feel sick to my stomach because of dread and horrible anxiety.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm an incel, that should be enough reason for you all to also want me dead.

Almost every single moment I'm alive all I can think about are the mistakes I made that led me down this road. These terrible choices ruined any chance I had at happiness so I believe I have to kill the one who did this to me: which is me.

And if by some miracle I woke up tomorrow with the girlfriend of my dreams then this is also very bad for the world because the level of bitterness I've suffered ensures that any success or power that I gain will be used to hurt other innocent lives even if that means nothing more than bringing another life into the universe, which I know I could never abstain from unless I'm dead.

Lastly, just the feeling of being alive is starting to drain me now. While the basic urges to eat, sleep, drink, and defecate are easily handled, I've come to realize the simple urge to do these things is also becoming tiresome to me. Everything that takes effort is only wearing me down more and making me increasingly frustrated with how banal and exhausting they are.

 

[downndone2]

In 2019, I ruined my life.. every fucking thing
My marriage, spent TONS of money, like life saving, lost my business, lost myself. Made incredibly fuckdd up decisions in months time after a fucked up situation. I used to be so happy, had an amazing life, and I just fucked it completely up. I spend every day hating myself and what I've done. My heart and soul is obliterated and unfixable. I havent had the guts to do it yet and have about a year left if the 2 yr suicide clause for my life insurance. If I leave my grown kids with all my shit to handle, they have to have my life insurance money. I pray everyday I'll just die peacefully in my sleep and dont actually have to take my life. But I just cannot stand who I am at all anymore. And I have 3 amazing dogs that I would leave behind. Sorry, rant over...

 

[inanimate]

In 2019, I ruined my life.. every fucking thing
. Sorry, rant over...

No need to be sorry, I ruined my life too and felt comforting reading your post

 

[someonelse]

No need to be sorry, I ruined my life too and felt comforting reading your post

I agree. I did the same thing financially — went manic and spent everything including retirement and still ended up in $25k debt.

 

[GentleJerk]

I say that my deteriorating health is the major reason, but there are multiple overlapping things that also contribute, and some of them are too personal and painful to even mention.

 

[Sides]

Pain. The loss of physical abilities and independence after 6 vessel CABG open heart surgery and then pneumonia and a resulting thoracentesis that removed 3 liters of fluid out of my chest that had collapsed my left lung completely. Dependence/addiction to amphetamines and benzodiazepines, which means no doctor will prescribe me ANY PAIN MEDICATION despite the pain I am in every day after they broke my sternum to work on my heart, and ripped out the saphenous veins from my left leg, resulting in infected wounds. The dread of colossal medical bills after my surgeries that have left me helpless and dependent on others. And so on.

There has always been an open hole in my soul that I could fill with pleasures and other distractions to avoid looking too deeply into the darkness of the void. But now that I am laid up in bed, constantly suffering, always in pain, unable to be useful to my family or children, it is impossible to avoid seeing my future through a dark mirror, and realizing at the age of 53 that my physical condition will only deteriorate from here, and along with that my mental state, mood, and self image.

All of which is a long winded way of stating that I hate myself and want to die. But the time to CTB is now, before my physical condition deteriorates to the point where effectively and efficiently catching the bus in an acceptable manner with no loose ends becomes impossible.

So, time to set my house and lands in order, as T.S. Eliot wrote, so I leave my family in the best position possible without becoming a further burden to them. The SN and anti-emetics and benzodiazepines are all assembled, and I am waiting for the proper moment to silently slip away into the darkness without causing any undue sadness or traumatic experiences for anyone who actually cares.

And then hopefully, the sweet relief of the end of all pain, worry, and suffering in this world. I have not been good enough to ask for Paradise. But hopefully at least I will be granted Eternal Peace.

And it is Eternal Peace that I wish for all of you. For are we not a family bound together by suffering? Then may we all find relief, together and separately, in Eternal Peace.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Everyone who knew me when I was younger is shocked at where I ended up because "I was so smart" and had "so much potential". Too bad my potential and smarts went to realizing we are puppets of our biology and circumstances, as well as shoving any suspect powders I could find up my nose.

Unless you are very privileged (even relative to me, a white westerner that went to uni) it takes work to get anywhere. I hate work. Living as me feels humiliating, I am weak in mind and body alike. My only strength comes in my willingness to face uncomfortable truths - hardly endears you to anyone, nor does it help you function in this world.

I am not surprised in the slightest I ended up this way - I firmly believe if you have all the information, any outcome becomes obvious. Like most here, my burdens simply outweigh my ability to carry them. The thought of perishing and being forgotten swiftly brings me solace.

 

[Sister of the Moon]

1. I hate the hand I was dealt in life
2. I have unresolved trauma from childhood, which in turn led to traumatic relationships
3. I get bullied to the point of tears in every job I try to do
4. I always try my best but it never gets me anywhere
5. I'm socially awkward and embarrass myself a lot. I'm likely on the autism spectrum
6. I simply can't bear decades more of living this stupid, pointless life
7. I have fibromyalgia, anxiety, depression, back pain, and a scrambled brain
8. I feel like nobody likes me, even if thy say otherwise.

 

[Dot]

Hypnoss injry - infrmatn on prfle pge nr th bttm

Hve lst prtnr, hme & am nt abl 2 engge w/ n.e.1 wh hve attchmnts 2 - includng famly

Am petrifd 24/7

 

[StarryStarry]

I'm sorry if this is too long, but I've lived longer than most on this site. My reasons for dying are:
1. I'm 60 years old
2. I have no job; haven't had one in six months
3. I have just enough money to either pay rent for another month or pay for my cremation
4. My daughter committed suicide a number of years ago because her step-father was molesting her; he walked away scotf free; I have nothing but regret and guilt
5. I have no family
6. I have no friends
7. My life consists of crying from the minute I wake up to the time I go to bed
8. I hate my life
9. I am ready to go

 

[Foresight]

1. severe ptsd
2. severe agoraphobia
3. facial disfigurement
4. a strong sense of dread from the cruelty and suffering in this world
5. a disconnect from normal life
6. employment issues

 

[FuneralCry]

The reason why I want to ctb is that I prefer the sound of eternal nothingness to living a life filled with pain and suffering. I simply do not want to exist. I have no interest in life and the fact that life is even a thing in the first place disgusts me. In this life there is unlimited potential for suffering, there is no limit as to how bad things can get. When I am dead, nothing can hurt me. I struggle to cope with life, living scares me and I am not meant for this world. I want to escape from potentially decades of dread and misery. I will never want to live, no matter what. For me, just simply being conscious is torture. I just want to be free from it all.

 

[Sadboyspecimen]

I've just always been talked down to by others. A lot of times people just mock me. I don't know why, but I just attract this kind of behavior from just about everyone I meet. There has not been a single person in my life that I feel I've made an actual real connection with. Not even my family. Not past girlfriends. I'm beginning to think I may actually have a learning disorder, though I did graduate highschool and did some college. I don't know. I hate it. I want to feel a connection with people. I want to be more than a background character in the story of my own life. But it seems that everytime I try to achieve that I end up making an ass out of myself. What good is it to be alive if you're only ever going to be shit on by people? I know people say I gets better, but really? It's been 24 years that I've been alive and for as long as I can remember this is the way I have been treated. Maybe it's not the best reason out there to end ones life, and I'm so sorry to read many of your stories, but it is frustrating day in and day out. Everyday I feel as if my mind is splitting in two, as if life is just some game or some simulation aimed at discovering what tolerance the mind has for unwarranted aggression from others. I've only ever tried to be friendly to people. I'm so afraid of going anywhere at all for fear that someone who knows me is going to come up to me and humiliate me all over again. And I feel like I wouldn't have anything to even say, I would just breakdown and cry.

 

[Iwishiwasafrog]

I genuinely feel like I was never meant to exist. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone its too difficult to explain.. I hate myself, my brain this body and this life. I've lived for 23 years with nothing to show for it. Every single thing is always so fucking difficult and no matter what I do or how hard I try to be like everyone else and go on with life it's never good enough. I wish I could just turn off my brain from the constant stream of questioning thoughts about why I even exist and what my purpose here is, I want to cry everyday when I think about it. Shit is truly tragic lol

 

[ixkitty]

I genuinely feel like I was never meant to exist.

I know how you feel! For the longest I've wondered if I was suppose to exist on any level ! It's a weird feeling indeed ...

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I'll introduce you to mine. They are so intricate and severe it's a miracle I am still alive.

• I am 27 and I am still going to college, because I quit and then went back
• I am ugly and I have been rejected by the man I was in love with
• My parents either abandoned me or died and that left with my old grandma who will most likely leave me too soon, making me end up alone
• My resume is almost empty
• If I don't catch che bus now I might end up living on the streets and starving

Tell me who would be able to function having been dealt such bad cards. Please, help me out.

Chronic pain, won't go away, can't earn money, can't follow ambitions, can't do hobbies, can't even sit on a chair without pain, can't enjoy life, refuse to live on benefits that could be taken away at anytime due to regular ability test, I will control the outcome of my life one way or another

 

[S like Siren]

-I suffer of severe Depression since 7/8 years now
-I'm unable to do anything even the most simple tasks
-I can't rely on noone,i have noone,my family give me a bed where to sleep and food to eat every day but this is it....a part from this i don't have noone and i can't count on noone.
-I'm like a terminal ill old person that lives in bed almost paralyzed and like a prisoner of depression and life.
I don't have an option...i can only suicide and i hope to succeed soon

 

[jimmy7754]

I'm just done with the violence and sports I put myself through my whole life.. excessive studying and degrees that got me in a rut.. the backwardness of how I grew up and how I almost turned it around.. the terrible mindsets I had over the years.. Tired of my swirling thoughts and living in my hometown.. my dad dying and not communicating with me enough.. idk if I have the courage to ctb but I want to go now.. if I had a switch I'd press it for sure.