Almost 40
Physically disabled (heart problems and others)
"Mentally" disabled
Life set the tone for me before I was even born, it let me know that I was never welcomed nor had a chance.
(This is kinda long)
Let's see
My mother and I were subjected to abuse of all kinds before my birth all throughout her pregnancy.
My mother was pushed down a flight of steps while highly pregnant with me, also she was beaten. The only way to get my mothers attacker off (my "father") was my 5 year old brother at the time poured hot water in his face.
Mother went into labor with me shortly after. That's how I was born.
Father abandoned us when I was 1 or so (I don't ever remember him living with us while I was alive) for his new family,(wife and new kid) before leaving told us children that it was all our fault he was leaving and that he never wanted us in the first place. He said that to the face of a 1, 5, and 3 year old. I remember him saying that and watching him leave with his stuff from the upstairs window with my bros.
He abandoned us and never checked or came back.
We had to go on welfare. The little bit they gave us was not enough for us to be consistently eating on a regular basis. Mom had no support or anything her family always treated her like crap and hated her and us.
We use to go days and weeks without eating. We missed alot of school, we were too weak to go.
My brothers became resentful towards her and blamed her for this guy leaving (still do after all these years) they sank in depression and one had been permanently expelled from school and stayed in his room 24/7. The other use to run away, from home quite frequently for hours we would look on the streets by foot. Skip school alot too. (We were in elementary school then) Lots of times we had to return home because we were too weak to remain looking and we couldn't find him . He would be waiting at home when we got back.
They became very abusive towards mom after awhile. One pushed her down the steps with his mattress, when she was making her way up to check on him, he was there with the mattress at the top of the steps and let it go. One hit her on the head with weights that caused her head to bleed.
Mom was dealing with her own issues too. No family, no support, raising 3 kids alone, barely enough money to support us all. When I was about 4 we moved, due to someone breaking in and raping her while I was in the bed with her asleep. (She and I shared a bed, my bros had their own room each , they didn't get along) threatened to kill us all if she made a noise. We moved shortly after.
I entered school at 5. First time that I was molested and raped that I'm fully aware of ( I've heard stories about me being raped and molested as a baby) happened in school, in my classroom that had an attached bathroom. My teacher was always sick with health issues including cancer , she was out frequently, when she was there had a teachers assistant with us. I had to go use the restroom one day, he took me there because we had to be chaperoned, made sure no one was looking (my teacher was doped up on painkillers and medication she was barely concious) came into the stall, started touching me and prodding everywhere (idk for how long or what else he did, I blacked it out). After he was done, I went back into the classroom, stunned , confused, and shocked. That was that. I never told anyone. It lasted for the entire year of kindergarten.
I never had any friends. Nobody has taken a genuine interest in me and all through life I've been used, ostracized, talked about, ignored by people. So I have been without anyone all my life.
When I was 6 I was kidnapped by a taxi driver, who pulled off and drove around with only me in the backseat for about a half hour to hour before the cops caught him and I was returned home.
Grown men throughout the neighborhood would often see me and my brother playing and offer to buy us food if I let them touch me. It was usually a few loafes of bread, lunchmeat, snacks, juices, candy, crackers cheese, etc... I allowed them to molest me in order to feed my family. I didn't care what happened to me, just to them. We all were starving from the lack of food. That went on for a bit, until mom found out and put a stop to it.
My brother and I resorted to stealing from grocery stores for awhile ..until we were caught.
Brothers became depressed and suicidal during this time. They were constantly admitted multiple times to an inpatient children's place where they stayed for weeks at a time, off and on for a few years. During those times it was just mom and me at home. We went every single day before visiting hours 8am, until after visiting hours 9pm by public transportation to see them. Just she and i. This lasted off and on until I was about 7. Around 6 I was admitted there myself off and on for depression and suicidal attempts.i had also stopped talking all together to anyone. When I was 7 all 3 of us kids were there for awhile. The place offered mom a room there because she was still coming every single day to see all of us. She accepted and moved there temporarily.
Around that time mom lost custody of my oldest bro (he was placed in the system. Foster care to a horrible lady who abused him and did terrible things to him. He stayed there from 11 to 25) shortly after that mom lost custody of my younger bro and I. I was 8 , he was 10. We were separated. My bro and I went to two separate group homes. (He stayed in his group home a year then went to a foster home from ages 11 to 30 he stayed with her. Until he moved out. He didn't have a good experience with living there either) from 8 to 10 I was bounced around from group home to group home. At age 10, I was in a foster home for a year and a half. While in that home I was abused every single day, multiple times a day , neighbors and everyone knew, they never reported them. This couple (both abused me..man and wife) had 2 small children ages 2 and 3 that they made me care for while they stayed in their room with the door closed upstairs. I was responsible for their children. I never had a room there. I never was told that or felt loved there. They barely fed me. They never brought me any clothes or anything, despite me having terrible nosebleeds, they made me wear the soiled clothes to school. I never had a backpack, or school supplies, never had a coat, umbrella. Their kids and my birthdays were close together and they would say to people that they were celebrating all of ours together, but only celebrated theirs. They recieved gifts and had parties cake and ice cream..i had nothing, but was told to sit someplace away from them and their family and friends (which all treated me like I was diseased and like crap too)went to school in pain and with bruises alot. Nothing was ever done about it. I was often choked , head and body slammed against the wall repeatedly, left unconscious and passed out on the floor for I'm guessing a few minutes to an hour..they did that and just left me there by myself never calling an ambulance or anything. Usually it was before school. Usually after id "come to" I'd have to go to school shortly after. This lasted for about a year and a half. During my time there after not being able to see or contact us for 2 years was allowed to do so. They would allow me to speak to her and have supervised visits someplace every 2 weeks but would threaten me before hand telling me they'd hurt me even more if I told. Mom sensed something wasn't right. I never told her or anyone what was happening, but shortly after she came back into my life I was removed from their home. I was 11 and the abuse was starting to turn sexual in addition. They would make me watch porn with them and ask me questions like if I liked watching women's breast or bodies. I'm sure that if I hadn't been removed I would have been molested, raped, and passed around between their friends. I was removed at age 11(they buttered me up buying me things and threatening me not to tell all the way up till the end, I never did. Especially since they told me that if I did their children would be split up and put into care. That I would only be making it harder on them. I loved those children, so I never told)( I learned that they were allowed more foster children after me)I was still removed regardless.
When I was removed I went to 3 different foster homes while waiting for the permanent one to become available (they were on vacation)
The last foster home I went to before moving was that of a husband and wife. The wife was morbidly obese (like 500lbs) and couldn't do much of anything. I was left alone with her most of the time while he was at work or someplace(never really saw him much) I had to do everything for her. I even gave her her insulin injections, and empty and cleaned, and washed her port potty by hand. She never really cared for me, nor interacted with me unless to give orders or berate me. One time I had a doctor's appointment, and she couldn't get out of the car to come in with me since I was a minor . .so she made me tell them that I was going to have to reschedule (I never did there).
I came to live with my current foster mom since 11. I'm almost 40 still with her. Living here been no different. I've been emotionally and mentally abused here. I've been completely almost ignored. No one has ever taken an interest in me, or even really had a conversation with me. They couldn't tell anyone anything about my life , not even birthday or last name. They pretty much leave me alone. Gave me a room of my own. When I was 12 first year here, the only person who truly loved me and cared(aside from my bros) my mom, died. There was a fire someplace and she panicked and jumped out the window..or either she saw it as her opportunity to ctb and escape from her life and was ready, so she jumped. Idk..I'm thinking the later. She knew she was going to die. Saw all of us 4 days beforehand. We each all had our own visit with her, (she made it a point to see my brothers for the first time in years, she had been given them space hoping they'd come around. They still blamed her for everything terrible in their lives and that guy leaving) so she managed to see them. Saw us all. Was acting strangely and asking future questions about me and about adoption and college to my foster mom.) 3 days after my visit, she was gone.
It still pains me as if it were yesterday and not many years as it has been.
The first year I came I was abused physically by her grandchild, while I was at his house, he use to hit me with a belt often. We were around (12) until he was caught. Never did it since. When I was 13 sometimes in order for my mom(mom as in foster mom. I call her mom too) to get a break from me or go on vacation for a short time, I was sent over to the house of that grandchild to stay along with one of the neighborhood boys. They were friends and they would hangout with each other. This was over my moms son and daughter in law house. Idk what possessed them to put us all in the same room to sleep at 13 years old but they did. I was raped by that neighbor during my stay there. He took my virginity. When we came home. He would convince me to skip school and still rape me sometimes over another neighbors house where that boy would rape me too..Turns out the first guy was going around at age 13 or before and were raping the girls our age around the block. One came up to me and knew I was raped and wanted to talk to me or somebody because she was so broken and scared. She asked me if I knew him. I told her yes. She just blurted out and asked me if he raped me too. I ran back into the house. Before I did, I heard her say that he raped her too, and pleading for me to stay and talk to her..but I ran. I was scared, and didn't want to be removed and have to go into group homes or another home because even though it wasn't great and I wasn't treated well, I had my own room to escape to. So I never talked to her (haunts me to this day. I regret it). Never talked to anyone about it. During this time, I was almost kicked out by the family for having the bicycle they brought me stolen . Truth be told I let the neighborhood guy take it for a few hours to ride and he never brought it back. I never told on him. Shortly after when we were about 14, he was sentenced to 5 years in for raping someone. He's been in jail off and on since we were 14. He's almost 40 now too. Sometimes he lives with his grandmother down the street from me again. When he was in jail he would write me demanding things from me. When I didn't answer, he would write me horrific things about how he would rape and abuse me when he got out. He would say it would be nothing compared to when we were kids.still hasn't happened yet, still terrified that it will someday. He looks at me so cold and hateful. I know that it's a matter of time.
When I was used and discarded by someone who I dated for 5 years that I thought genuinely loved me and wanted to marry me, he told me that he Hope's that this guy gets me. He told me that he never cared and I'm washed up and broke up with me, got married a year later to someone else. Another guy used me and discarded me after 5 years told his new girlfriend that I was nothing but easy and still wanted him. He told her my address and everything. I never met her or anything. She plastered my address online calling me everything derogatory, told me that if I didn't leave him alone permanently (which i had already done a year before he was lying to her saying that i wouldnt leave him alone) she was going to beat me up, a few of her family members were going to help her. It never happened. He married her shortly after. A married man who I had a crush on growing up (he lived across the street) took advantage of me, manipulated me, and my vulnerability used me for about 2 years and discarded me. Telling me that I was just garbage.
Just got out of an emotionally mentally and spiritually abusive relationship around 4 months ago. He used me . He pretended to be genuinely interested in me, and used me for his pleasure and discarded me. He just wanted me because his ex who he is truly in love with doesn't want him back and I just happened to be there and available to use. All throughout the relationship he would get after me about taking care of my mom and instead of being there and supporting me and helping me, he would get angry and complain because he was trying to monopolize my all of my time to use for himself. When he saw that it wasn't happening, he stopped seeing me and stopped talking to me all together. When I would beg to see him, he would make up excuses or just tell me that I need to come see him if I wanted to see him. He would go 2 months at a time without seeing me. I wanted to believe, so I believed him saying he was busy and all his other lies. So I did. Whenever he got around to seeing me he always told me how i need to start dressing better. That I need a makeover, that I need moisturizer. That since he didn't have the confidence to go after who and what he desired he chose me. One time he lifted my breasts and told me that I need a bra on. I never felt such shame and sadness. He lied to me and told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I asked him later about it and he said that he didn't mean it. The only reason why him and I don't talk is because he ended things. Honestly, I have normalized abuse at this point and would still be involved with him. I loved him. I believed him. I thought he would be different. It's hard trying to get use to the fact that he used me and wants nothing to do with me anymore.
I am still with my foster mom. I am her primary caregiver. She was 64 and very active when I came, shes almost 90 and slowed down a whole lot. In and out of the hospital now quite frequently. Despite her 4 grown sons taking her to the doctor's, and speaking to her every now and then sometimes coming over, they really don't want to be bothered with her and is often short tempered and in patient with her. They dont even want to do the simplest things for her like take some bags that's been sitting in the living room for about 5 months to the salvation army. She feels like a burden to everyone and is depressed often. Even though she's been highly toxic and verbally abusive towards me ever since I came, she doesn't deserve this. I take care of her. It's the least I can do. I'm here for her until the end.
I will forever unemployed by my disability
I have been raped and abused about 30 times or more that I can recall
I still am lonely with no friends
My daughter being of life (society labels her a "dog". Hate that terminology. ) who was everything to me passed in 2021.
Severely depressed since then.
In between then, I have pretty much given up on life ever becoming any different. I never had a chance from the beginning. I am meant to suffer until I die, maybe afterwards. I am so messed up that theres no healing. I haven't even left my house to go outside in almost a year. Theres no repairing me not even a little. I cannot do another 40-50 years of this life. Whatever time I have left, I cannot do.
I am only holding on for my mom.
If she goes before me,
I'm definitely ctb outtakes here soon after.
