Discussion What are your reasons for ctb?

[distantfields]

Too many reasons to list, but I think my main one is that I was hurt too severely from a young age, and now my brain can't function like everyone else's. I feel such a profound disconnect from humanity that even the basic actions I need to do to survive disgust me.

Reading other people's reasons on here and other threads makes me feel weak.

I have never been good socially and you can tell because many of my posts do not read well and are confusing. I failed college. After starting college I got a drawing tablet and thought I could start that as a hobby, but soon I realized I have zero talent, and it's useless to try when you spend 2 years of hard work and don't even reach what's considered "basic beginner" skills. Better to start at 6 years old, whoops how could I know?
But I failed college from depression and have no real options. Drawing made me happy until I realized it didn't, and it's all I wish I could do.

It's a weak reason but it's mine. I haven't been physically abused and don't have PTSD or bipolar or other stuff people here struggle with but I still want to suicide.

I don't think there's any such thing as a "weak reason." If you're unhappy, you're unhappy. You have the right to stop this if you want to, no matter what your reasoning is.

 

[broken_songbird]

Yes, he broke every promise to me he ever made but he was always a victim. I was somehow the wrong one for being upset with him for the vile person he was. Just endless mind games you can't win when you're dealing with someone without a conscience like you. The world just gets turned upside down. Words of love are meaningless and cost you so much because you wanted to believe them. Even your life for someone's brief amusement. People pretend to be someone they're not. Say things they don't mean. Destroy someone's dreams, happiness, life. For what purpose I'll never make sense of it.

OMG, yes. I get it. I swear he was trying to drive me to otc. I thought he was great because he made friends with everyone regardless of obvious disability, social status, addiction issues. But he's found that people with obvious flaws and few connections are easier to exploit and throw away. Just like me. I would beg him to leave me alone. But humans are expendable to him. He loves the power. And I feel so stupid.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

Reading other people's reasons on here and other threads makes me feel weak.
I have never been good socially and you can tell because many of my posts do not read well and are confusing. I failed college. After starting college I got a drawing tablet and thought I could start that as a hobby, but soon I realized I have zero talent, and it's useless to try when you spend 2 years of hard work and don't even reach what's considered "basic beginner" skills. Better to start at 6 years old, whoops how could I know?
But I failed college from depression and have no real options. Drawing made me happy until I realized it didn't, and it's all I wish I could do.

It's a weak reason but it's mine. I haven't been physically abused and don't have PTSD or bipolar or other stuff people here struggle with but I still want to suicide.

Reading other people's reasons on here and other threads makes me feel weak.
I have never been good socially and you can tell because many of my posts do not read well and are confusing. I failed college. After starting college I got a drawing tablet and thought I could start that as a hobby, but soon I realized I have zero talent, and it's useless to try when you spend 2 years of hard work and don't even reach what's considered "basic beginner" skills. Better to start at 6 years old, whoops how could I know?
But I failed college from depression and have no real options. Drawing made me happy until I realized it didn't, and it's all I wish I could do.

It's a weak reason but it's mine. I haven't been physically abused and don't have PTSD or bipolar or other stuff people here struggle with but I still want to suicide.

I'd keep drawing if I were you

 

[4390101]

I'm a burden to myself and everyone in my life, i can't do shit on my own out of sheer panic, nothing feels real, my friends treat me as a background friend and that makes me feel even worse, i've been keeping my self at bay by mentally dividing in like 4 persons and having them all in a mental chokehold that stopped working a long ago (yet i still handle myself like that out of habit and fear that if i let go i will cause pain to my cat or anyone near me), i've been suicidal since i was 7 y/o and have attempted too many times to keep count, my manic episodes are getting worse to the point that i feel my cat hates me if she doesn't look at me when she wakes up after a nap...

i'm just tired of life and everything, gave my shot at therapy but was unable to explain the intensity of everything my mind puts me trhough so i was dismissed as just a sad teen that was trying to get the hang of adult life. Sincerely, how do you explain that something is so intense that it does affect your life with mayor consequences but at the same time it doesn't "afffect" that much now bc you've been dealing with it since you were a child so now it feels normal + everything feels numb so there's no actual way to measure the actual intensity of it?

 

[broken_songbird]

Born as a male and not a female. I refuse to transition and every waking moment is filled with me being envious of the opposite sex. I cannot escape my triggers be it irl, online, tv, etc and my favorite genre of music even makes me extremely dysphoric. I can't even enjoy it anymore. I am void of the desire to have a romantic relationship, too so that wouldn't even save me at this point.

Can I ask what your favorite music is?

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

A psychiatrist asked me this the last time I saw him. I really couldn't give him an answer on the spot. Because it's me and everything that I have been and that I am. My fucked up genes, my broken mind, my entire life until this point. Just... everything.
When I was 10, I could have easily given an explanation on why I want to kill myself. Now there is nothing left to say anymore.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

I agree that some of simply don't belong here. It's evolution. Am I evolving the species or a persistent remnant of our past? I'll never know. But I too am ready to go home.

It's terrifying to come to the realisation that one is a low life and that that's how evolution works, it eliminates weaklings

 

[broken_songbird]

A psychiatrist asked me this the last time I saw him. I really couldn't give him an answer on the spot. Because it's me and everything that I have been and that I am. My fucked up genes, my broken mind, my entire life until this point. Just... everything.
When I was 10, I could have easily given an explanation on why I want to kill myself. Now there is nothing left to say anymore.

Existence is torture: if you open your eyes and see reality for what it is, you will never be at peace knowing this fact. I'm exhausted and i wanna go home, my real home, i don't believe i'm from here. Also, University makes me want to die daily, and when i'm not there, I become an empty shell of myself... Theres no way out.

I agree that some of simply don't belong here. It's evolution. Am I evolving the species or a persistent remnant of our past? I'll never know. But I too am tired and ready to go home.

Money, no family, failing health, too old to hire.
I promised I wouldn't would leave before my mate, but now they are gone.
...not even sure if I will make it to my ctb date.
I am a realist. No pity party. Those in my Will will benefit. Paying it forward <3

I can't relate to the rest of your story, but I do remember becoming sad at 5 years old and suicidal at 13.

Ditto!

I was destroyed by a psycho mother, I was surrounded by enemy energy instead of a family, and my autism plus medical problems made things worse. Things got extremely worse over the years, I never recovered, or truly got free from this psycho woman who I now need to receive money from to survive. No one cares how a 41 year old's life was ruined, and her complex disabilities. Everything is destroyed (body, mind, abilities), and circumstance is a form of hell. I can barely move from depression, and I'm attacked by PTSD everyday. I've been miserable since I was around 10. This is the short story.

Forced dependence on unkind sources is beyond degrading. I feel like I beg for breadcrumbs every day just to sustain an existence I hate. Being unable to work is humiliating enough and you're right: women in our 40's are invisible to society. If we're down and out, it must be our fault and nobody could give half a damn, even if they're paid to. What people at large fail to recognize is that it's no better than being attached to a feeding tube. It might even be worse because at least the comatose don't have to watch what's happening to them.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Can I ask what your favorite music is?

Korean Pop.

 

[serah]

I've felt unhappy and suicidal since the age of nine. I'm just tired of living.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Everything hurts all the time. I don't fit anywhere. Since 2019 I've been fired from or strongly encouraged to quit nearly 3 dozen jobs and volunteer gigs. Clearly I'm the problem. People hate me everywhere I go. But it's hard to understand because I left the university in 2017 after an exactly opposite experience. For seven years I was successful and loved by many. I was asked to be an adjunct professor as an undergrad. I published first author research at a prestigious school. I received so many scholarships, fellowships and honors I became embarrassed and stopped telling people. When my social status took that away, I found success as an outdoor educator for the next two years. It was incredibly rewarding, though I continued to see important friends and assets fall away from my life. But you'd think to go from that to being a literal piece of human garbage would require some serious foul play on my part. Life dealt some serious blows and I've just never been able to catch up. I've become hyper-aware, hyper-vigilant, downright paranoid at times. Because so much weird, awful shit has happened to me and I have literally zero support - literally. no. one. So I'm well aware that if something awful and weird CAN happen, it probably WILL. And this stuff is so effing weird that the law isn't on my side, even if it should be. Even with irrefutable evidence.

The gratitude I feel for the beauty I've experienced runs deep. I've worked hard and been incredibly fortunate. I've been loved by someone spectacular. I've seen miracles and traveled. I've shared stages with brilliant speakers and performers. Starred in my favorite musical. I've experienced life through many varied sets of moccasins. Lost 150 pounds after lifetime obesity. I've been every character in The Breakfast Club. Fell in love with a Belgian boy on a train. Got to be the mother of the most lovely human being I've ever met. I peaked at 35, which is pretty cool. My life has been abundant. As has my grief. Watching everything cruelly stripped away has made me old. My body and my mind are both failing. I was supposed to ctb on the 8th. I had everything I needed and was tying up what felt like loose ends. I even bought a pack of cigarettes after a decade; I always said I'd start back up at 80 but given the circumstances, I figured I might as well treat myself at 42. Anyways, I left myself vulnerable to having my plan derailed and let someone change my trajectory. I was pissed off as soon as I realized. Now there's this whole process of building up the courage again. Now I'm a ghost. Wandering aimlessly. Sleeping all day. Nothing to really do. Nowhere to be. Everything hurts all the time.

Sounds like you were hit by curse out of nowhere… I'm sorry

 

[Finding Sirius]

Lost the love of my life to medical malpractice. Tried to move forward and start a new life only to realize life without him isn't worth living. I fell like an outcast everywhere I go, and so I wish to join him among the stars.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

Regrets I can't fix, a misdiagnosis that made people both see and treat me as a r-word, having a lot of enemies and/or people I don't get along with (at least 40), can't make new friends (so far only made a single one since 2.018), afraid of losing the few people I have left, little to none work experience (and afraid they will break me apart there so I couldn't provide for my family), very low social skills and so on, although I'm sure my reasons are very small compared to what others have endured...

 

[trizzy]

I actually want to live. Had a great career, family, friends, etc. Had a bad reaction to the booster shot and medical malpractice. Now I have 100 debilitating symptoms - super blurred vision, double vision, photosensitivity, hearing loss, can't taste or smell, concussion like headache 24 hours a day, have dementia, awareness not there, confused, lost intellectual skills, exhausted all day long, I lost all ability to sleep on my own now - I can stay up for 30 days straight without medication, tremors, excessive sweating, can't walk straight, lost motor skills, slurred speech, super fast heart beat, unable to workout now, muscle weakness, muscle twitches, gi and utirinary issues, hair falling out, and lots more. The only thing keeping me alive at the moment is my sleeping meds - which only allows me to sleep a few hours a night very lightly. If I didnt take my sleeping meds I would die naturally. So basically I could catch the bus just by not taking my sleeping meds. I am back and forth everyday on CTB. I really do want to live but its killing me slowly. Anyone here want to live but got unlucky as hell through illness or disability?

 

[outatime_85]

I have too many reasons.

Childhood trauma

My failure to success ratio is completely out of whack.

I am socially incompetent.

I am someone who can't seem to get their life together and I am seen by my family as a "clown." cast aside as someone that should be ignored and laughed at instead of listened to, written off as a lost cause.

I am also coming to the realization that I am dealing with a number of possible mental health issues, and that they were never properly addressed or diagnosed, either due to being ignored or affordability.

I have come to the conclusion that my whole life is just one big joke, and my best option is to eventually take myself out of the game.

After all, why risk becoming a villain?

 

[MountainMonkey]

one bad decision changed my life. It's painful to write or talk about. So basically I either find a time machine or I ctb. My life has been full of suffering and when I finally caught a glimpse of happiness it was very short live. I refuse to suffer any longer

 

[thebunny]

i've always wanted to exit since the age of 16. i suffered through lots of verbal and emotional abuse that ruined my who i am. the only thing that kept me going up to this day was that i always had little hope that things would get better. last 2020, i got cheated on and got SA'd and wanted to exit really bad BUT someone saved me from doing so. he then became my boyfriend.

but things got awry and due to my several mental health issues, he left me. i'm not hating on him for leaving me. i understand why he did it. however, i wish he would've stayed because he was the only light in my dark life. now that he's gone and our planned future along with it, i don't really see the point in continuing anymore. i don't see a future and i don't see myself being happy with someone else.

is it bad that he's the one of the reasons on why i'm exiting? yeah, maybe. but i also feel like he'll be happier when i'm gone. i mean, he already is anyway lol.

but i'm so done with this shitty world and how my mind is torturing me everyday. it's time to say goodbye.

 

[Astral Storm]

I hate life in general. There's no end goal. It's only unnecessary suffering, violence and torment.

 

[tired868686]

"Life is like animal porn....it's not for everybody"

 

[Szinuus]

Im in pain every minute. Chronic pain is true living hell. Add to this my disabled body after stupid jump attempt and here we go.

 

[outrider567]

With my girlfriend's death 7 months ago, I keep looking for something that might interest me in life again, but nothing does, nothing at all, her presence is always there, from the minute I wake up

 

[SexyIncél]

Because I've been abused so much, my brain changed, and I've destroyed too many beautiful relationships and hurt people. Described it here

And I've accomplished so little. The ironic thing about being a narcissist (if I'm indeed one) is that I've given others so much attention, that I had none for myself. I've built nothing long-lasting for myself

Even if I'm cured, I suspect I'm too far gone

 

[complexptsd]

For me the desire to CTB has always been with me. I fantasized about it as a child like other kids might have fantasies about sex. I've always felt like this world is too hard for me, or I'm too soft for this world. So there have been a lot of reasons why over time.

My most recent trigger back into planning to CTB is my best friend of 5 years lied to me about being attracted to me/loving me, told me they saw a future with me, slept with me, and then immediately told me that they'd just used me and didn't actually love me. Then they got together with the girl the really like 2 weeks later and are acting like I'm crazy for being hurt, ignoring me, and pushing me out of their life because their partner doesn't like me. My best friend, the only person I loved and trusted for the past 5 years doesn't see any value in me or our friendship and can just easily throw it away for someone they've known for 6 months. I feel so broken by this. How could I ever trust anyone again? And the worst part is I feel like it's all my fault, that everyone's lives would be simpler and better without me. I still love my friend so much and just feel heartbroken and alone. But my friendships were the only thing holding me to this earth and now I know that they can't be trusted, that I am not really important or valued by anyone no matter what they say to me.

 

[sardobello]

I let my girlfriend down

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

I have always felt that I wanted to die but I have really been working hard to overcome it for years. I finally just realized it's all pointless and I can never achieve anything. I cannot finish my novels I have been writing for over 10 years, 20-30 percent complete.

I cannot get a job good enough to let me live out of poverty. Every attempt is a bait and switch to make me think I will get enough hour/money but I don't. I can barely afford to live and I have 4 roommates.


Due to my poor financial situation I can't really do much to get the visa approved for my husband. Even though we filed and it will take up to 15 moa I don't have any hope it will get approved. When they see my tax records they will deny based on income.


My husband means well and loves me but make me live on an emotional rollercoaster because he cannot cope with the stress of LDR. Always suspicious of me cheating although I have never done anything to give him a reason. My roommates are guys but what can I do, I can't afford a studio on my wage. Does he think I want to live with other people? No I don't I just want enough money to get a few acres and homestead.

I have virtual no saving as I struggled a few years ago with very bad depression and literally laid in bed for over 9 months blowing all my little savings in a hcol area.

I hold out a little small glimmer of hope that maybe things could get better but it's not in my control. I keep living just to see but I hold no illusion that soon the hammer will fall and it's time to go.

I'm someone that would still suffer no matter what as I don't live up to my own expectations however it's money that is the reason I have to go. It's too expensive to be alive in this world. I'm a slave to make others wealthy with no hope of being able to achieve a small humble dream of a little land and solitude. I'm a building block upon which others step to become wealthy while I suffer and toil.

 

[FrozenMango]

I don't have the strength and energy to stay alive. I don't have what it takes to figure things out and resolve my issues. I would love to stay alive if I had better health, more money, and no need to work.

 

[NeverEndingPain]

Gambling addiction that is now going to have me lose my home if I don't pay a lien off
I have quit gambling and now facing all the consequences. I wish I had one chance to make it better

 

[almaranthine]

I've been trying to hang on to life for about a decade now since I had a mental breakdown in college. I wasn't able to finish my degree and for years ended up moving over and over again, staying with different family members, an abusive boyfriend, etc because I never had the money or a good enough job to live on my own. At one point, I had worked for a retailer for three years and finally had a position that I enjoyed and thought I could advance with, but of course I sabotaged myself there and now I find myself broke, barely able to afford life once again. I don't have any friends. I haven't been able to make a friend for years and years, and looking back I realize the only reason I had these "friends" in my past were because we mutually smoked weed and just got high together. That was the entire basis of the friendships- just being smoking buddies, nothing meaningful or deep. I've never experienced having a loving and stable relationship and the abuse I've gone through in the relationships I have had caused lasting psychological damage to me. For huge chunks of my adult life I've been completely psychotic and unhinged. I can't believe I even held a job at certain times. I'm just done. Even if I got a decent full time job, which is hard to achieve where I live, even in retail, I still wouldn't be able to afford the apartment I live in. The only reason I'm not living in my car is because my grandmother passed away and left me some money.

 

[hamvil]

Many reason, I am not even sure if I would be able to summarise them in a coherent way. I will give it a try.

I have now realised that I always had troubles communicating with people. When a kid (43m now) I had troubles making friends. However, I managed to have some social life in a small group of friends.

I spent all my adult life focusing on my job. After so much effort I had a dream job where I could express all my creativity. I lost it due to my shitty character and some poor posts I made on social networks. I had an affair with a woman but she left me when I started having these problems. Uhm, or maybe I pushed her away, not sure. I tend to escalate things and turn everything into a big mess. Mostly because I am not able to communicate with people, I just do not understand them

I am now 43, trapped in a joyless marriage. I have no kids. No friends. Never receive a call or a message from anybody. I know I will never be more than I was before and I know I will never manage to keep a friendship or to start another relationship with a woman. I am making one poor choice after the other.

I think that besides my job I am not an interesting person. No hobbies really, not very interested in art/culture. No sports. I have a superficial knoledge on nerdy stuff but not deep enough to be interesting to people into that sort of things. I was just good at my former job and now that is gone.

I think I did all I could do in this life and I would like just to get over with it. I am trying everyday to make it worse so at some point maybe I will get the courage to kill myself. I did so many things I am ashamed of.

 

[old red eyes]

one bad decision changed my life. It's painful to write or talk about. So basically I either find a time machine or I ctb. My life has been full of suffering and when I finally caught a glimpse of happiness it was very short live. I refuse to suffer any longer

sounds like me...2 minutes of madness....