ClairyFairy
Wizard
- Jan 22, 2021
- 622
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Mostly, I can't find an answer to why someone like me is allowed to exist. There's no purpose to anything, I can't fix myself and it feels like nobody takes me seriously. I have nothing to contribute, and thus am replaceable in every relationship as well as role that I fill. The only person in my life that i know really loves me, only loves me because they believe they can control me, thus i serve a purpose. The person I actually need, is incapable of feeling it.
I am unable to move on, to let it all go, for what reason? No clue at all, so what's the point of someone as selfish as me existing. Not only that, but now I'm an absolute joke because due to the pandemic, i learned how comfortable i am in isolation minding my own business, but that inherently makes me a loser who indulges in self-pity over the fact that through my self-awareness, i see hoe unworthy of love this behavior makes me. Instead of going to the gym (which i see no purpose for as i dont have a desire to work out) or partaking in socially profitable hobbies (my understanding of my expendability requires an acceptance of the uselessness of other relationships) I smoke and spend my weekends reading or sleeping. I want to matter, I want to be someone else, something different. But i know I'm here, and something like me shouldnt exist. Its not fair, but nobody said it had to, and that makes me want to die.
I'm sorry, if this is unoriginal, and I'm especially sorry if this paints me a fool.
I am unable to move on, to let it all go, for what reason? No clue at all, so what's the point of someone as selfish as me existing. Not only that, but now I'm an absolute joke because due to the pandemic, i learned how comfortable i am in isolation minding my own business, but that inherently makes me a loser who indulges in self-pity over the fact that through my self-awareness, i see hoe unworthy of love this behavior makes me. Instead of going to the gym (which i see no purpose for as i dont have a desire to work out) or partaking in socially profitable hobbies (my understanding of my expendability requires an acceptance of the uselessness of other relationships) I smoke and spend my weekends reading or sleeping. I want to matter, I want to be someone else, something different. But i know I'm here, and something like me shouldnt exist. Its not fair, but nobody said it had to, and that makes me want to die.
I'm sorry, if this is unoriginal, and I'm especially sorry if this paints me a fool.
Trisolaris
Arcanist
- Dec 11, 2018
- 447
I'm brain damaged by psych meds and can barely function. All I do is lay in bed and I can't perform even basic chores. This life is not sustainable.
insanedoomer
Zé"HaZarD
- Jan 10, 2021
- 244
Illness, lack of enjoyment, it was a lot of fun but I think my best days are behind me
This society isn't worth living in. Plus screw sitting in federal prison for many years.
Rustysoupcan
I'm sensitive
- May 2, 2020
- 242
Been depressed bout all my life. Tried many things to help it, but it never went away. I have no job, no friends, no SO, I barely ever talk to family. I'm currently stuck in the system bouncing around from treatment to treatment that only make me feel worse.
InTheAirTonight
I tried
- Feb 29, 2020
- 475
The idea of being completely free of pain, sorrow, and resentment a
I wanted to actually think about this and answer truthfully.. I think there are 3 reasons.
1- I believe I was born flawed. When I told my mum of my bpd diagnosis she said she'd always known there was something wrong with me since I was a toddler, which says it all really. My mum has always seen me as mad or bad. If even my own mum sees nothing good in me who else will? My existence is a mistake to be rectified.
2-I failed my oldest daughter (now an adult) we haven't talked for 6 months, she was present throughout my second marriage when my husband (her stepdad) used to beat me and he hit her a few times, I'll never ever forgive myself that I didn't protect her and didn't leave. I'd shoot myself in the head tomorrow if I thought it could mean she never went through that. My other adult daughter has anxiety and other issues, and another has anger issues.. I am a fucked up failure of a mother who should be executed rather than expose my children to any more of my presence in their lives.
3-BPD in my case makes life impossible. I'll never be able to give up drinking, I'll never stop being an embarrassment, or get into intense inappropriate relationships, or just behave like a total moron, self harm, depressed then high then suicidal then insanely happy then miserable. Jesus Christ don't my husband and family and friends deserve some fucking peace and a chance of happiness before they die? There is NO HELP it makes me furious people like ft26 saying there is.. NO THERE FUCKING ISN'T
1- I believe I was born flawed. When I told my mum of my bpd diagnosis she said she'd always known there was something wrong with me since I was a toddler, which says it all really. My mum has always seen me as mad or bad. If even my own mum sees nothing good in me who else will? My existence is a mistake to be rectified.
2-I failed my oldest daughter (now an adult) we haven't talked for 6 months, she was present throughout my second marriage when my husband (her stepdad) used to beat me and he hit her a few times, I'll never ever forgive myself that I didn't protect her and didn't leave. I'd shoot myself in the head tomorrow if I thought it could mean she never went through that. My other adult daughter has anxiety and other issues, and another has anger issues.. I am a fucked up failure of a mother who should be executed rather than expose my children to any more of my presence in their lives.
3-BPD in my case makes life impossible. I'll never be able to give up drinking, I'll never stop being an embarrassment, or get into intense inappropriate relationships, or just behave like a total moron, self harm, depressed then high then suicidal then insanely happy then miserable. Jesus Christ don't my husband and family and friends deserve some fucking peace and a chance of happiness before they die? There is NO HELP it makes me furious people like ft26 saying there is.. NO THERE FUCKING ISN'T
As a person with Asperger's Syndrome I'm continually treated as lesser by the majority and this is a major psychological burden then on top of that I've had some exceedingly stressful situations occur during lock-down involving being bullied by numerous sets of neighbours. I got in trouble with the police as I fought back and spent a night in custody cell and had to listen to police at custody desk saying stuff to each other like "We've got a freak to play with". This is the story of my life - being referred to with names like this and it destroys your sense of self and any small shred of self esteem you might have managed to build up since the last time it happened.
I can't have healthy relationships with men as I just don't relate to anything positive they say about me; it's effectively meaningless when I have to juxtapose it with all the bad stuff people say and I am drawn to abusive narcissistic ones instead as I feel more at home with people who don't value me. This is a recipe for disaster for my self esteem too.
I stay alive just because it's too difficult to find a means to end it and because I know that my autism makes everything seem like the end of the world but I often feel I can easily outdo anyone else on the planet for a raw deal but know that's not true.
People often take an instant dislike to me visually and then my personality usually does not make up for this due to the Aspergers/my being anti-social and due to the attitude problem I now (understandably) have about it all.
I see life as some kind of sick joke and marvel I'm still here. I think God must have some kind of plan for me - possibly to be some kind of martyr!
I can easily justify my suicide after all the bullying and stigmatisation I've endured and endure on an ongoing basis. I also think I don't need to justify it to anyone anyway; it's my life to do with as I please.
I can't have healthy relationships with men as I just don't relate to anything positive they say about me; it's effectively meaningless when I have to juxtapose it with all the bad stuff people say and I am drawn to abusive narcissistic ones instead as I feel more at home with people who don't value me. This is a recipe for disaster for my self esteem too.
I stay alive just because it's too difficult to find a means to end it and because I know that my autism makes everything seem like the end of the world but I often feel I can easily outdo anyone else on the planet for a raw deal but know that's not true.
People often take an instant dislike to me visually and then my personality usually does not make up for this due to the Aspergers/my being anti-social and due to the attitude problem I now (understandably) have about it all.
I see life as some kind of sick joke and marvel I'm still here. I think God must have some kind of plan for me - possibly to be some kind of martyr!
I can easily justify my suicide after all the bullying and stigmatisation I've endured and endure on an ongoing basis. I also think I don't need to justify it to anyone anyway; it's my life to do with as I please.
I always wanted to be loved in life for who I am and what I am not. But life always gives you a reason to reject what you truly desire by making you have a fear of intimacy. Ingrained with the thought that intimacy leads to pain, and pain leads to trust issues. How do I let love take me in when I'm already fearful of it hurting me again. CPTSD and past trauma issues that repeat in a cycle over and over, my stupid brain taking whatever good things and make hold on for a bit longer. We all know how that ends, cycle repeats itself. Only way to break the cycle is suicide. I could resolve external problems, but it's just a bandaid over a much bigger festering issue, me. Get rid of me, the cycle breaks, no one in my circle is hurt, and life goes on. It's selfish to keep living and causing pain to others, humanity is selfish and it's built into our DNA.
Breakout92
Student
- Mar 10, 2021
- 107
Untreatable physical health problems, treatment resistant mental health problems, and so many generally poor life experiences. I'm in a lot of mental pain and I'm just tired.
If i had to pick one best reason it's the mental health problems I have with depersonalization and dissociation. For example I actually have no memories at all from high school because of how bad it was then. and it's still quite impactful on my day to day life.
I don't know if i can justify myself to anyone. I think my pain now is worse than whatever pain my friends and family will feel for losing me. But i doubt anyone will believe that
If i had to pick one best reason it's the mental health problems I have with depersonalization and dissociation. For example I actually have no memories at all from high school because of how bad it was then. and it's still quite impactful on my day to day life.
I don't know if i can justify myself to anyone. I think my pain now is worse than whatever pain my friends and family will feel for losing me. But i doubt anyone will believe that
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Life is too much effort and I'm lazy so death is perfect for me
KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,802
Doctors permanently fucked me up as a child and traumatized me. I now have chronic fatigue, IBS, chronic pain, and a couple other incurable conditions. Like many other forum members, I also have autism and have been treated nothing short of a freak alien my entire life as a result of it.
I have just hit my twenties and I already know things will only continue to snowball downhill. Most of my family is dead or abused me during childhood-those people are now out of the picture. I have no one except my boyfriend who doesn't understand any of this and thinks I can be cured. None of my friends understand except a couple people online. When my 22nd birthday comes, I'll have to spend it all alone-no cards would ever be penned to me. I feel like a David Bowie esque, freakazoid, Martian three headed alien.
Living for years with PTSD and all of these untreatable illnesses has left me in agony. Being disabled leaves me reliant on my boyfriend. I know far too well how unreliable that people are. Years of child abuse and grooming from older men has left me a vunerable wreck who can't function socially or in any sort of professional capacity. I have tried over 17 different treatments and explored things like vitamin supplementation to no avail.
My life so far has been nothing but pain, and I know if it continued, the stress and misery would only compound. People think I am too young to die, not realizing how much suffering it takes to push someone to this point. I think I have rational reasons to catch the bus.
I have just hit my twenties and I already know things will only continue to snowball downhill. Most of my family is dead or abused me during childhood-those people are now out of the picture. I have no one except my boyfriend who doesn't understand any of this and thinks I can be cured. None of my friends understand except a couple people online. When my 22nd birthday comes, I'll have to spend it all alone-no cards would ever be penned to me. I feel like a David Bowie esque, freakazoid, Martian three headed alien.
Living for years with PTSD and all of these untreatable illnesses has left me in agony. Being disabled leaves me reliant on my boyfriend. I know far too well how unreliable that people are. Years of child abuse and grooming from older men has left me a vunerable wreck who can't function socially or in any sort of professional capacity. I have tried over 17 different treatments and explored things like vitamin supplementation to no avail.
My life so far has been nothing but pain, and I know if it continued, the stress and misery would only compound. People think I am too young to die, not realizing how much suffering it takes to push someone to this point. I think I have rational reasons to catch the bus.
Pen>Sword
Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam
- Jan 13, 2021
- 465
life is too overwhelming. Also...people say ''look for help'' but there is no help. People don't want you to die bc your dying remind them they are dying too. They don't wanna deal with their own mortality. Im alone and I dont have the energy to make a life that's worth living, all I have is pro-lifers saying I should look for help cuz life is too precious.
charcoalcat
The only thing humans are equal in is death
- Apr 17, 2018
- 124
A free spirit stucked and trapped in an authoritarian country with draconian laws and no human rights.
Which led to later being consumed by depression, nihilism, and hopelessness.
It doesn't help that a broken mind like that couldn't function properly in most jobs (doing menial tasks I detest everyday so I could prevent myself from starvation).
Plus, the world in quickly turning into shit. Mother Earth was never meant to accomodate billions of conscious, selfish primates.
Which led to later being consumed by depression, nihilism, and hopelessness.
It doesn't help that a broken mind like that couldn't function properly in most jobs (doing menial tasks I detest everyday so I could prevent myself from starvation).
Plus, the world in quickly turning into shit. Mother Earth was never meant to accomodate billions of conscious, selfish primates.
hfdepression30
Experienced
- Mar 30, 2021
- 236
I can't blame it on just one thing or even a few things. It's a compilation of all my life's experiences, my physical body and having no motivation or determination for life. Although I wouldn't push all the blame on it, but I think the fact I have Aphantasia likely has played a large part subconsciously. My mind just became a dark empty space with no imagery, no colour.. just a black hole with my own thoughts in a narrative form. I only discovered I had it when I was 28, I'm 30 now but I always knew there was something at the back of my mind that was holding me back mentally, emotionally, academically.. in so many ways. There's not too much research about Aphantasia, but in the works I have found there have been definite links to depression.
AN IDIOT'S END
Death to the World
- Feb 24, 2021
- 39
No one will date me because I'm a subhuman piece of shit. I need to date so I can get married. If I can't get married I have to die because I can't actually do anything for myself outside a household.
Sprite_Geist
NULL
- May 27, 2020
- 1,595
What are your best reasons for wanting to commit suicide?
Answer: I am tired of life in general - to sum it up.
And how do you justify it?
Answer: My reasons (or anyone elses) do not need to be justified. The pro-choice stance states that our lives are free to dispose of as we see fit. For example: my friends did not justify why they stopped bothering with me, those that abused me did not have a justification for their behaviour, so why then do I need a justification for wanting to leave this world where I feel unwelcome?
Answer: I am tired of life in general - to sum it up.
And how do you justify it?
Answer: My reasons (or anyone elses) do not need to be justified. The pro-choice stance states that our lives are free to dispose of as we see fit. For example: my friends did not justify why they stopped bothering with me, those that abused me did not have a justification for their behaviour, so why then do I need a justification for wanting to leave this world where I feel unwelcome?
BeansOfRequirement
Man-child, loser, autistic, etc.
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,801
Oh, and the present is also bad. Might even be worse than the future, but I think the future will be worse.
Thisgirlwantstosleep
A pointless life had in a pointless world
- Mar 11, 2019
- 130
- Ugly (have been called ugly more than any human being should in a lifetime)
- Have been bullied all throughout life
- No relationship/sexual experience
- No friends and when I did have friends they treated me like shit
- Poor
- Fucked up family who causes me stress and whom I cause to stress
- Too retarded to function on my own so have to depend on family
- Rely on government benefits which can be a pain in the ass. Have to fill out forms and go to multiple assessments yearly
-Worried about the stability of my living situation
- Have multiple mental illnesses that make life difficult to navigate; Body Dysmorphia, Depression, Anxiety, BDP (so they say but I think it's actually CPTSD), OCD and paranoia
- Generally get treated like shit by people. Literally everytime I leave my house someone tries to start a fight with me
- Agoraphobic. Leave the house maybe once every two weeks for obvious reasons
- Have health issues, underweight and heavy periods which comes with a whole load of shit to deal with
- No positive life experiences whatsoever, never been to a party, or a club, had sex, or taken drugs, go on a picnic or even a restaurant to eat out with friends. Just an empty life full of hurt.
I'm tired of being in pain and I'm tired of people guilt tripping me to continue living this farce of a life.
- Have been bullied all throughout life
- No relationship/sexual experience
- No friends and when I did have friends they treated me like shit
- Poor
- Fucked up family who causes me stress and whom I cause to stress
- Too retarded to function on my own so have to depend on family
- Rely on government benefits which can be a pain in the ass. Have to fill out forms and go to multiple assessments yearly
-Worried about the stability of my living situation
- Have multiple mental illnesses that make life difficult to navigate; Body Dysmorphia, Depression, Anxiety, BDP (so they say but I think it's actually CPTSD), OCD and paranoia
- Generally get treated like shit by people. Literally everytime I leave my house someone tries to start a fight with me
- Agoraphobic. Leave the house maybe once every two weeks for obvious reasons
- Have health issues, underweight and heavy periods which comes with a whole load of shit to deal with
- No positive life experiences whatsoever, never been to a party, or a club, had sex, or taken drugs, go on a picnic or even a restaurant to eat out with friends. Just an empty life full of hurt.
I'm tired of being in pain and I'm tired of people guilt tripping me to continue living this farce of a life.
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AN IDIOT'S END
Death to the World
- Feb 24, 2021
- 39
I was of the sex, drinking, and drugs variety of gal and... please don't do it. The only men who will date you are ones who are using you for sex and drugs. I can't fucking find a boyfriend anymore because I'm not a virgin. They all revile me like I'm some kind of disgusting mangey animal now.
I have similar health issues though. I'm so lankey I look like a little boy and my periods have probably almost killed me lmao. I've learned to like it in a weird sort of way. I'm a masochist anyways...
Thisgirlwantstosleep
A pointless life had in a pointless world
- Mar 11, 2019
- 130
For me it's that I'm quite a sexual person but have had to turn myself into a matron almost because I've been denied any expression of my sexuality. It feels as if I'm being denied my truth.
And I dunno, guys my age are quite scummy these days. Chivalry has been long dead and hardly anyone's interested in a relationship anymore. They just want girls with experience so they can fuck em and leave.
>I'm so lankey I look like a little boy
Same. I'm 5'9 and have been called all sorts of things thanks to my height and weight.
>my periods have probably almost killed me lmao. I've learned to like it in a weird sort of way.
Same. I feel so unfeminine and other than its one of the few reminders that I'm actually female.
I never asked to be born. Why should I be forced to live in this world surrounded by this disgusting species called "human beings" until I'm grey and old, have an accident or a terminal disease?
Why should I be part of this universe which makes no sense because we always end up asking ourselves the same question: "How can something come from nothing?"
This place is ridiculous and the system just wants us to live until we can't be functional again. Is it money what they want from us? Why force us to live and be modern slaves?
Sorry but I won't be staying much longer on this weird blue rock.
Why should I be part of this universe which makes no sense because we always end up asking ourselves the same question: "How can something come from nothing?"
This place is ridiculous and the system just wants us to live until we can't be functional again. Is it money what they want from us? Why force us to live and be modern slaves?
Sorry but I won't be staying much longer on this weird blue rock.
I was in a vehicle that had almost a million dollars of meth in the trunk. Possession with intent to distribute. I was in a couple years before I got bail due to covid. Non violent crime and no criminal history. I got bail with house arrest, ankle monitor, a 3rd party. Still no court and no deal yet.
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POVERTY. Psychosomatic pain. Abuse. Loneliness. I think it will be justified...
