What are you no longer afraid to do since deciding to CTB?

[coinflip]

I tried to look up other posts on something like a "bucket list" but a lot of people seemed to share the sentiment that a bucket list is more for people who want to live than people who want to CTB. I kind of see that train of thought, but at the same time I think there's a certain liberty that comes with deciding to CTB, and I think the understanding that everything will be over soon kind of allows me to do things that I've always held myself back from.

I've gone no-contact with my mom, started taking anti-depressants, and have stopped being so anxious about clocking in exactly on time for work or working too hard.

Maybe I'm the odd one out, but this is how the experience has been for me. Those things above don't deter me from ending it; they just help me be more at peace in the months leading up to it. What are things that you otherwise wouldn't have brought yourself to be able to do if CTB weren't on your mind?

 

[octopusinu]

NGL i just felt really free and just do whatever i want, eat whatever i want, and buy whatever i want within my own abilities, stopped stressing over college and adult stuff, i no longer have the pressure to worry about the future anymore so i just stop trying and do whatever

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

great question. hmm wasn't really afraid of anything before that. when i was young, parents convinced me that we were poor so i was careful with money. i guess i am a little more liberal? but it turns out that there really isn't much to spend on now since i can't really go out anymore.

 

[divinemistress36]

Telling guys to fuck off If they make me feel uncomfortable and wasting money on stupid shit

 

[PlanePaper]

Help everyone else. I was concerned about my future, like careers etc., so I'm reserved about spending time & resources on other people, especially those I don't know well. Now I plan to live until I feel like I've exhausted my use, then use a painless method to catch the bus (or something else kills me in the process). I am planning a gap year to go back to my home country and investigate how I can help those people most effectively.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm much less committed to my work- which isn't going to do me any favours in the long run, because I still have deadlines. But, it's hard to feel motivated about anything when you want out. But yeah- overall, success in my job isn't so crucial to me because I'm hoping not to have a future or penniless retirement to worry about.

I'm drinking alcohol again, although not to excess. My diet is pretty poor also. But then, it still has to be in some moderation. I still need to be able to function to do my job and so it isn't anymore exhausting than it already is.

 

[coinflip]

NGL i just felt really free and just do whatever i want, eat whatever i want, and buy whatever i want within my own abilities, stopped stressing over college and adult stuff, i no longer have the pressure to worry about the future anymore so i just stop trying and do whatever

Yeah I've been eating a lot of ice cream lately lol

Help everyone else. I was concerned about my future, like careers etc., so I'm reserved about spending time & resources on other people, especially those I don't know well. Now I plan to live until I feel like I've exhausted my use, then use a painless method to catch the bus (or something else kills me in the process). I am planning a gap year to go back to my home country and investigate how I can help those people most effectively.

I am intrigued by this answer. What is your reason to CTB, if you don't mind sharing?

Telling guys to fuck off If they make me feel uncomfortable and wasting money on stupid shit

Hell yeah. It's hard to be direct sometimes, but being pushed to the edge makes it easier for sure.

 

[coinflip]

I'm much less committed to my work- which isn't going to do me any favours in the long run, because I still have deadlines. But, it's hard to feel motivated about anything when you want out. But yeah- overall, success in my job isn't so crucial to me because I'm hoping not to have a future or penniless retirement to worry about.

I'm drinking alcohol again, although not to excess. My diet is pretty poor also. But then, it still has to be in some moderation. I still need to be able to function to do my job and so it isn't anymore exhausting than it already is.

I'm drinking alcohol much less than I was a while ago. The anti-depressants gave me a reason to cut back (although I still drink sometimes socially) and also helped me feel less of a need to to begin with. I was just looking for something to make my daily misery more bearable, and the new medication scratched that itch well enough for me.

 

[PlanePaper]

I am intrigued by this answer. What is your reason to CTB, if you don't mind sharing?

I have an intense hatred for myself. There is a multitude of reasons for this, ranging from physical to mental issues, but I believe it's mostly caused by - and without going into too much detail - my upbringing. I grew up quite well-off in a country where everyone else scrapes to get by, as a result, I naturally feel indebted to these people and everyone else who is not doing great, as I robbed their life from them. My performance so far in life is subpar at best, and I can't help but think should someone else receive the resources spent on me, they would be performing much better. Such thoughts, combined with the fact that I'm not doing much to help everyone who is not as fortunate as I am, made me operate strangely for the past few years, with my conscience haunting me every so often, sometimes struggling to sleep as I suffered from nightmares in which I'm judged for my inability. I feel like I should be repaying my debt, and then I should prevent myself from being indebted again, and the only real way to do that is to CTB once I have fulfilled my worth. If I have done everything I possibly could to help others, and there's nothing further I could do, then continuing to live would just be leading a life of a sort of parasite, in other words, the life that I have been actively detesting for the past years of my life.

I am fairly certain depression also plays a role in this. Although I have taken medication, they have not proven to be extremely effective, so living is not exactly enjoyable either. so CTB is not all that scary. Besides, I would prefer to just choose to die rather than fear death.

(I apologize for any grammatical mistakes, English is my second language and Grammarly can be funky at times)

Edit: Thanks for asking, by the way, it feels better once I got this off my chest lol.

 

[theboy]

accept death I guess

 

[Ambivalent1]

Calling people out

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm still the exact same really. There wasn't really anything I wanted to do in life to begin with and there never will be

 

[bipbapbop]

I've been spending a lot more money on random things and getting a ton of tattoos. If I see an artist I like even a little, I've just been making appts without thinking too much about it.

 

[cosmic-freedom]

Walk into traffic.I closed my eyes and crossed the road in a highway like area and almost got ran over multiple times.I wanted to test my SI.I wanted to know what I would feel when I am on the edge of death.I felt..nothing except a racing heart and a sense of freedom.