What are things you can do to CTB more peacefully?

[ferret-in-a-sock]

I don't mean like anti-emetics or benzos, I mean like what are ways I guess how to feel more at peace? Like practical things. I found reading and gaming is really hard when exhausted, so I listen to movie reviews. Anyone have anything similar to add like activities or physical? Or thinking exercises to feel relaxed.

I don't know if I'm going to attempt. It wouldn't be today. I just don't want to have that panicky feeling if I do. I've been having a lot of issues dissociating lately and when I give into it and let myself retreat it feels better and safer. As bleak and awful as it sounds, can I trigger that purposely? I don't want to attempt today because there isn't much time before work and a failure or still in progress death would not be fun to experience on the clock. And while I'm alive, that paycheck matters. And so does appearing normal.

Before attempting I want to finish cleaning and packing up my room entirely. I'm supposed to move soon but I don't have a plan, and I figure if I do CTB it'll be a privilege and good thing.

I don't think I'd leave a note or will. I also don't want to leave any digital notes or "goodbye" messages because if I fail that's just embarrassing and now serves as proof I'd need inpatient.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Guess it depends on the method. Seeing as you mentioned anti-emetics and benzo's- are you considering SN?

That would be my method most likely. I would definitely want to prepare everything ready for police- notes, legal stuff for my solicitor, delayed emails. Plus- prepare the area- put plastic sheeting down. Have a bucket next to me for possible sickness. Have everything prepared next to me.

For comfort though- I have bought some hot water bottles to hopefully ease stomach pain. Also, a small cannister of oxygen. Don't really know if it would help with the shortness of breath but that side effect troubles me. Plus- yeah- I'd likely listen to something in the background. Rain sounds or something. I usually go to sleep listening to that. I thought about wearing gloves- don't fancy seeing my fingernails turn blue. Plus- mouthwash for before and after.

 

[ferret-in-a-sock]

Guess it depends on the method. Seeing as you mentioned anti-emetics and benzo's- are you considering SN?

That would be my method most likely. I would definitely want to prepare everything ready for police- notes, legal stuff for my solicitor, delayed emails. Plus- prepare the area- put plastic sheeting down. Have a bucket next to me for possible sickness. Have everything prepared next to me.

For comfort though- I have bought some hot water bottles to hopefully ease stomach pain. Also, a small cannister of oxygen. Don't really know if it would help with the shortness of breath but that side effect troubles me. Plus- yeah- I'd likely listen to something in the background. Rain sounds or something. I usually go to sleep listening to that. I thought about wearing gloves- don't fancy seeing my fingernails turn blue. Plus- mouthwash for before and after.

Thanks for all that. Yeah, I just don't want to feel panicked or scared by my surroundings. I was thinking bucket in case I throw up, towels, plastic maybe--Selfishly I hate the sound of plastic on a bed. Reminds me of halfway involuntary commitment house I was in as a teen.

Though I was set on today, I now get to postpone to Sunday. At work someone had the gall to steal 100+ dollars. As much as I'd like that to be "not my business" it's unfortunately one of those things I now have to deal with.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thanks for all that. Yeah, I just don't want to feel panicked or scared by my surroundings. I was thinking bucket in case I throw up, towels, plastic maybe--Selfishly I hate the sound of plastic on a bed. Reminds me of halfway involuntary commitment house I was in as a teen.

Though I was set on today, I now get to postpone to Sunday. At work someone had the gall to steal 100+ dollars. As much as I'd like that to be "not my business" it's unfortunately one of those things I now have to deal with.

Oh no- that sucks that you have all that to deal with at work. I'm sorry but yeah- I feel responsible for stuff too.

Yeah- I've thought the same about the plastic. Still- I'll likely put fabric sheets on top- they'll have to get rid of it all anyway no doubt. Expect it will be a bit uncomfortable but hopefully easier for them to clear up.

 

[ferret-in-a-sock]

Oh no- that sucks that you have all that to deal with at work. I'm sorry but yeah- I feel responsible for stuff too.

Yeah- I've thought the same about the plastic. Still- I'll likely put fabric sheets on top- they'll have to get rid of it all anyway no doubt. Expect it will be a bit uncomfortable but hopefully easier for them to clear up.

I've tried to think about clean up logically and concluded based on the policies of my cheap apartment, they might just decide "welp, can't sell this room anyway, time for those renovations we planned." So...win-win for them.

I'm really upset that like I had a solid plan, timeline and everything just to be hit with a serious problem I have to help sort out. It'd nag me out of my peaceful dissociation to know I just bailed after I said "yeah, course, call me when you review the footage."

Great. Cool. I can be alive 3 more days. Though part of me is terrified this is a psychotic break. You don't know how terrifying it is to go through your usual money counting pattern and for it to come up short by that much. Three times a week I'm used to a very expected outcome, so expected I finish it in 20 minutes on some nights. It's reassuring. Just easy math.

I felt like I lost my mind. I counted everything. I looked under the register. Nothing. It's not there. I feel insane. I'm wondering did I do it. Did I like dissociate that much? Did I count back that money wrong? I got so upset because I don't understand. Out of every night. Like clockwork. I count that in usually 20 minutes. I took 1.5 hours because I was sure I messed up.

Like sorry to vent about that, but like...why. why now? I'm worried the more horrible thing is it'll be like "you did this" and I'll truly have lost my mind at some point or something.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry what you have to go through. But when you care about 100 bucks for your employer instea dof caring for your own wish that shows defintitly that you care for othery more and you're not ready to really leave. I'm sorry, I see myself somehow in a similar posiition but not in regards to an employer. May I ask you what's your method of choice? To CTB peacefully one very important hting is to be in peace with oneself, to be absolutely sure there is not other way to go. CTB is only a personal decision not the decision of anyone else. Failing is such a great pain one has to endure and this is one thing that scares me. But failing isn't as bad as it looks like. It shows you had the courage to do what you want to do according to your own will and so many others ou there do not have this coúrage!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've tried to think about clean up logically and concluded based on the policies of my cheap apartment, they might just decide "welp, can't sell this room anyway, time for those renovations we planned." So...win-win for them.

I'm really upset that like I had a solid plan, timeline and everything just to be hit with a serious problem I have to help sort out. It'd nag me out of my peaceful dissociation to know I just bailed after I said "yeah, course, call me when you review the footage."

Great. Cool. I can be alive 3 more days. Though part of me is terrified this is a psychotic break. You don't know how terrifying it is to go through your usual money counting pattern and for it to come up short by that much. Three times a week I'm used to a very expected outcome, so expected I finish it in 20 minutes on some nights. It's reassuring. Just easy math.

I felt like I lost my mind. I counted everything. I looked under the register. Nothing. It's not there. I feel insane. I'm wondering did I do it. Did I like dissociate that much? Did I count back that money wrong? I got so upset because I don't understand. Out of every night. Like clockwork. I count that in usually 20 minutes. I took 1.5 hours because I was sure I messed up.

Like sorry to vent about that, but like...why. why now? I'm worried the more horrible thing is it'll be like "you did this" and I'll truly have lost my mind at some point or something.

That sounds really stressful- I'm sorry. I used to do till count each week with a colleague but we never got to know if anywhere was short- we just wrote down the figures. Your job sounds a lot more stressful. Yeah- I can see why it would be playing on your mind and you want to get it resolved but yeah- timing sucks.

 

[leavingsoon99]

What put me at peace is deep inflection. The SI difficulty is rooted in doubt. Doubt regarding the method. Doubt regarding the timing. Doubt regarding the reasoning. Doubt regarding whether or not one really wants to go through with it. Get clarity, first. Know that it's something you REALLY, ABSOLUTELY want and need to do. Assess the realistic methods you have available to you and how easily you can access them. Then, study the method. There's a resource center on THIS SITE. Use it, if ctb is something you're serious about. Hesitation comes from doubt. If you think there's something you'd rather live for, then don't self-terminate. Don't crutch on mental health to discuss suicide. Many suicides have little to no mental health issues. Suicide doesn't stem strictly from mental health. Being depressed by THIS life and humans is not a sign of mental illness at all. Those just have effects on mental health. If you're having mental health issues, do some honest inflection and assess what resources may be available to you. You might be able to actually find useful help. If nothing else, there's a "Recovery" part of this site as well. Use it. At minimum, it's people to talk to. That's more than what a lot of people have.

I'm not trying to dissuade you, but this is a huge decision. Be honest and clear about it. Get clarity. Do honest, sincere inflection and reflection for a while before deciding to move forward. Know your WHY and HOW. Doing so will definitely put you at peace. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

@leavingsoon99 wise words! I'm not the OP and I'm sorry and please forgive me to interrupt this thread but these words touch me in my current state. Wise words!