Discussion What are the reasons you are planning to CTB? And what are the reasons that are stopping you to do so?

[lovelypirategirl]

Hi dear people from SS,

This is the only place on Earth where I can speak freely, and I'm always thankful for this forum.

Right now I'm going through a severe depression, and every moment of the day I'm wishing I would be dead. I have bipolar disorder 2, lupus, and ADHD. I hate I was dealt so terrible cards. Most life is about luck and unfortunately I wasn't lucky to be born with a healthy body and a I mind that can feel happy and see the beauty in life.

I will share with you the list of reasons why I want to CTB:

1. Bipolar Disorder and other health issues.
BD is just terrible, it really affects my life in all levels. I'm mentally and physically tired of feeling like shit every single day. I'm tired of having to take drugs in order to aspire to have a "normal life". I'm tired of people not understanding how bad and difficult this is. I have mental pain and I have terrible physical pain and fatigue due to my lupus. After my father's death 7 years ago, everything got WORSE and hasn't really improved since then.

2. Financial Problemas and Debt
I can't stop spending my money in shit. I hate myself for that. Instead of saving or using some money to pay some debt, I keep spending it like an idiot. I have medical bills in th USA and in my home country, credit card debt, taxes debt, and I owe money to family and friends. Even though I pay every month a huge amount for this, it seems like it never decreases.

3. Haven't achieved ANYTHING at almost 30
I feel like a huge failure. Like if I was a conman, a big lie and a fraud. Ever since I was a little girl, people always thought that I had a bright future ahead. I was the girl with perfect grades, very intelligent and talented. Now I'm really ashamed of myself. I can't keep a job... I've had like 10 jobs in the past 2 and a half years and of course it's already taking a toll in my new job interviews. Of course.... who would like to hire a person who can't keep a job for more than 3 months? I can't stand social media, because I keep comparing myself to others. I see that friends are already becoming managers at important companies, or starting their own businesses, etc. And I am here with my butt stuck to my bed....

4. Hopelessness
I don't think I'm good for anything. I am tired of trying. I just would like to close my eyes and become air, so I can float freely away. I have tried everything, and life doesn't get better for me. I have tried psychiatrists, therapy with psychologists, books, videos, improiving habits, and nothing has really worked.

5. I don't like my life.
I don't like where I live, and in the last few years it has become unbearable. I live in my childhood house, which it used to be in a very quiet area, in a beautiful neighborhood surrounded by trees and other houses. Now every moment of the day I'm listening to cars' noise due to traffic, constant noise from constructions (as all the houses are being demolished and now they are building buildings in their place).
Since I was young, my dream was to live in Europe (I'm from Mexico City). And every day that goes by, that dream is further away. But what really makes me angry and jealous, is that tons of friends are moving to Europe and even obtaining citizenships. Some of them because they married someone there, they are studying a master degree, they obtained a job, etc. And I feel that I'm stuck here for ever.

REASONS THAT ARE STOPPING ME FROM CTB

1. My boyfriend
I have a really nice boyfriend. After 15 years without having a bf, he suddenly arrived in my life and shows he loves me everyday. Sometimes I can't understand how's possible that someone can love me... I hate myself so much that in my mind it's not possible that someone can see beauty in me. If I CTB, I know he would really be heartbroken and he really doesn't deserve that. Funny thing is that I always thought once I had a boyfriend, all the sad thoughts would go away, but I guess they NEVER go away.

2. My Sister and my Mother
I really don't have a great relationship with them, but I know for sure it would affect them badly.

3. My dog
He is the most loyal dog ever. I really don't deserve him.

4. Properties and paperwork
I think this is a very important one. After my father passed away, I inherited some properties and other stuff from him. And due to my anxiety, I never really finished the probate and all that paperwork. Furthermore, my father worked so hard to obtain everything so he could give us a decent life. By CTB I feel that I would be throwing away all his hard work... and if I'm death, everything will go to my sister (that's fine), but then she doesn't want to have children or anything, so once she's gone of this world, all the properties will be lost forever and my father's hard work would be for nothing.


That's all. I am sorry for the long post and for the terrible English. Right now I'm not coherent in my thoughts and can't organize my ideas.


Looking forward to reading your stories.

Kindly,

LPG

 

[jimmy7754]

Massive mistakes when covid started.. horrible mindset at 30 years old.. I made mistakes in my 20s.. rebound my life together at 29.. and just went blind at 30 when COVID started.. overwhelmed myself and lost it.. I want to disappear completely now.

 

[_Minsk]

I can relate to most of them, for me it boils down to health issues that ruin my life.
I'm still trying to get ae and maybe a better method

 

[myway2ehighway]

i lost someone

 

[Murasa]

My reasons are mainly guilt for my omissions and mistakes, not being able to treat my disorder, if my procedures go wrong I will be forced to return to an even worse place and finally... I'm tired, I'm just exhausted from living the way I do, I've lost all notion of what it's like to wake up well-rested.

What prevents me from committing suicide are two things, I want to make sure this attempt is the last so I have been slowly but steadily gathering what I need for the methods I see as options, the second reason is that I have also been putting my affairs in order.

Hi dear people from SS,

This is the only place on Earth where I can speak freely, and I'm always thankful for this forum.

Right now I'm going through a severe depression, and every moment of the day I'm wishing I would be dead. I have bipolar disorder 2, lupus, and ADHD. I hate I was dealt so terrible cards. Most life is about luck and unfortunately I wasn't lucky to be born with a healthy body and a I mind that can feel happy and see the beauty in life.

I will share with you the list of reasons why I want to CTB:

1. Bipolar Disorder and other health issues.
BD is just terrible, it really affects my life in all levels. I'm mentally and physically tired of feeling like shit every single day. I'm tired of having to take drugs in order to aspire to have a "normal life". I'm tired of people not understanding how bad and difficult this is. I have mental pain and I have terrible physical pain and fatigue due to my lupus. After my father's death 7 years ago, everything got WORSE and hasn't really improved since then.

2. Financial Problemas and Debt
I can't stop spending my money in shit. I hate myself for that. Instead of saving or using some money to pay some debt, I keep spending it like an idiot. I have medical bills in th USA and in my home country, credit card debt, taxes debt, and I owe money to family and friends. Even though I pay every month a huge amount for this, it seems like it never decreases.

3. Haven't achieved ANYTHING at almost 30
I feel like a huge failure. Like if I was a conman, a big lie and a fraud. Ever since I was a little girl, people always thought that I had a bright future ahead. I was the girl with perfect grades, very intelligent and talented. Now I'm really ashamed of myself. I can't keep a job... I've had like 10 jobs in the past 2 and a half years and of course it's already taking a toll in my new job interviews. Of course.... who would like to hire a person who can't keep a job for more than 3 months? I can't stand social media, because I keep comparing myself to others. I see that friends are already becoming managers at important companies, or starting their own businesses, etc. And I am here with my butt stuck to my bed....

4. Hopelessness
I don't think I'm good for anything. I am tired of trying. I just would like to close my eyes and become air, so I can float freely away. I have tried everything, and life doesn't get better for me. I have tried psychiatrists, therapy with psychologists, books, videos, improiving habits, and nothing has really worked.

5. I don't like my life.
I don't like where I live, and in the last few years it has become unbearable. I live in my childhood house, which it used to be in a very quiet area, in a beautiful neighborhood surrounded by trees and other houses. Now every moment of the day I'm listening to cars' noise due to traffic, constant noise from constructions (as all the houses are being demolished and now they are building buildings in their place).
Since I was young, my dream was to live in Europe (I'm from Mexico City). And every day that goes by, that dream is further away. But what really makes me angry and jealous, is that tons of friends are moving to Europe and even obtaining citizenships. Some of them because they married someone there, they are studying a master degree, they obtained a job, etc. And I feel that I'm stuck here for ever.

REASONS THAT ARE STOPPING ME FROM CTB

1. My boyfriend
I have a really nice boyfriend. After 15 years without having a bf, he suddenly arrived in my life and shows he loves me everyday. Sometimes I can't understand how's possible that someone can love me... I hate myself so much that in my mind it's not possible that someone can see beauty in me. If I CTB, I know he would really be heartbroken and he really doesn't deserve that. Funny thing is that I always thought once I had a boyfriend, all the sad thoughts would go away, but I guess they NEVER go away.

2. My Sister and my Mother
I really don't have a great relationship with them, but I know for sure it would affect them badly.

3. My dog
He is the most loyal dog ever. I really don't deserve him.

4. Properties and paperwork
I think this is a very important one. After my father passed away, I inherited some properties and other stuff from him. And due to my anxiety, I never really finished the probate and all that paperwork. Furthermore, my father worked so hard to obtain everything so he could give us a decent life. By CTB I feel that I would be throwing away all his hard work... and if I'm death, everything will go to my sister (that's fine), but then she doesn't want to have children or anything, so once she's gone of this world, all the properties will be lost forever and my father's hard work would be for nothing.


That's all. I am sorry for the long post and for the terrible English. Right now I'm not coherent in my thoughts and can't organize my ideas.


Looking forward to reading your stories.

Kindly,

LPG

I would like to give you a hug, I can relate to several of those reasons.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Life is too much effort. Even low well maintenance stuff like showering or brushing teeth is a huge hassle, let alone actually working at anything. But if one doesn't work at anything misery is inevitable.

Tedium. The only things I can get myself to do (chat, watch videos, listen to music, read, write poems) get more boring every day, yet I don't want to do anything else. Staring at fake lights rectangle is my life.

Drugs. Were the only thing that made my life 'meaningful', gave me more profound experiences than anything else and let me socialize but made my mental and physical health even worse, complete with several overdoses (so close yet so far) and nerve damage. Just a smokescreen to ignore the bad. Still crave them every day.

Society. Abusers, narcissists and sociopaths who are good at appearances and know how to climb social ladders tend to win. Poor, disabled, minorities? Not so much. We somehow agree to put a monetary value on human life (and it isn't very high at all). Also in this bizarre world a lot of people see you as a weird extremist if you recognize breeding, imprisoning and slaughtering animals to use their bodies for commodities as the atrocity it is and implore them to stop taking part because "muh bacon and cheese".

What keeps me around? Fear of failure, no money to access preferred method / a hotel room to do it in. I would say fear of hurting people that care about me, but as callous as it sounds - I don't give a fuck. I won't be around to see it.

 

[Wrennie]

Organ failure. I'm so sick of doctors cutting me open. This will be the 11th time I've been under General anesthesia. I just want this shit to end.

What's stopping me: I love my family but I just can't do this anymore. I also don't know if my shitty gallbladder would enable me to use SN as a method. If anyone could shed some light on that it would be much appreciated.

 

[Al Cappella]

Well, in the last year my life has spectacularly turned to shit. I mean royally. It's literally a country song—you know, lose your wife, house, job. All because of mental health. And, seeing that I'm now officially too old for this crap, and that it's gone on too long—I'm out.

 

[downndone2]

I lost my marriage, myself, tons of money, rental properties and lake house with toys in 2019 after a lot of sh!t happened to me and I lost it for 6 months. I've been depressed, anxious, and homebound since end of 2019. I dont take care of myself and hate my life. Everyday I wake up to this nightmare. Hell cant be worse than this. BUT so far I havent been able to do it. I have 2 awesome gown kids and 3 amazing dogs that rely on me to feed/water and play with them.
I just wish I'd have a heart attack from all this stress and die in my sleep. I also have a 2 yr suicide clause on my life insurance policy, one year left.

 

[completely-done]

Mental anguish (bipolar and ocd), massive debt, always lacked the desire to live.

What's making it harder to ctb is money to buy N. I'm having issues with keeping my job. But I'm confident I can navigate these issues long enough to save up to buy N very soon, then dump my job. I'm so close

 

[an_alias]

i can barely go outside. i'm like bubble boy. the medical term is severe multiple allergies. if i go outside i could die. if you eat anything in the same room as me i will die. i've been cooped up in the same fucking flat my entire life. i'm held back because mama doesn't have anyone else, i have 2 sisters but they can't help. if i was to CTB i'd have to kill her and that would be horrible. to kill her for the gift of life (it was at the time) she kept me in would be a sin

 

[HappyForever?]

No gf, and will probably never find one due to my appearance.
The incels think appearance is the only thing that matters and any woman who chooses to be with a man not considered as attractive is only "settling", and they have a whole page of proof. The normies think while looks matter, personality and other aspects also play a significant part, and this idea explains my observations better. For now I'm not sure who is right, so I'm giving life a few more years to find out. If it turns out the incels are right I will ctb.

 

[lumipallo]

Mixture of everything here - disappointment in self, bad health with no cure, chronic pain, ostracized loner, bad looks.
I heard cats have to catch the toy 1/3 of the time or else they lose interest in playing. That's how I feel, the game isn't fair.

 

[anxious_depressive]

Reasons

1) The loss of a close friend.

2) A lot of mistakes that led to irreparable consequences.

3) Health problems.
(physical and mental)

4) Financial problems.

5) A hopeless and gloomy future.


Fear of failure stops me from ctb.(at least for now)

 

[StarryStarry]

I will be leaving for the following reasons:

1. No family/no friends.
2. I was fired/left my job back in late August because the asshole attorney I worked for called me a "fucking bitch" and that he didn't care about my "fucking itty bitty feelings" (I explained to him that I have PTSD, anxiety and severe depression).
3. He lied to the unemployment office and I was denied unemployment
4. He has blackballed me in the legal community making it impossible to find a job.
5. I am 60 years old. I'm tired, I hate life and there is nothing for me here.
6. I am extremely lonely and it's very difficult for me to keep going.
7. I want to be with my little girl (committed suicide because her step-father was molesting her).

My plans are set in place. I have no hope left. There is nothing here for me to stay.

 

[completely-done]

I will be leaving for the following reasons:

1. No family/no friends.
2. I was fired/left my job back in late August because the asshole attorney I worked for called me a "fucking bitch" and that he didn't care about my "fucking itty bitty feelings" (I explained to him that I have PTSD, anxiety and severe depression).
3. He lied to the unemployment office and I was denied unemployment
4. He has blackballed me in the legal community making it impossible to find a job.
5. I am 60 years old. I'm tired, I hate life and there is nothing for me here.
6. I am extremely lonely and it's very difficult for me to keep going.
7. I want to be with my little girl (committed suicide because her step-father was molesting her).

My plans are set in place. I have no hope left. There is nothing here for me to stay.

My heart goes out to you. This is incredibly unfair

 

[Nightmare Painting]

Reasons:

1. I've had all kinds of cognitive and emotional problems from childhood trauma(war, abuse, bullying, isolation) since I was 2, especially depersonalization and derealization. Emotional numbness, gaps in memory, poor concentration, lack of conscious thought.
2. I've been alone my entire life and have never had anyone to depend on or connect with.
3. I live with my toxic family that abused and neglected me.
4. Chronic physical pain from Fibromyalgia, Carpal Tunnel, migraines.
5. I've never felt happy for a single moment in my entire life.
6. My sweet dog was the only good thing I ever had in my life and he's gone now.

What's stopping me:

1. There's someone at home pretty much all the time or they're gone for a short amount of time so I can't risk failing with them around. I'm also agoraphobic and going anywhere for more than a hour especially during Winter would be too suspicious.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me personally, I want to ctb as I find life to be unbearable. I hate existence, and I want nothing to do with this life. For me, life itself is the problem. Life is the cause of all pain and suffering, I do not want to exist in a world where so much suffering exists. I am not meant for this world and I struggle to cope with life. I have never wanted to be alive. Being alive hurts me and I would rather just have nothingness, I want to sleep forever. I know I must ctb to prevent decades of pointless suffering.

The things that are holding me back is the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit. There is the fear of failure. If ctb was easier I would be long gone. I deserve a peaceful death, I wish we lived in a world where our right to die is respected.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Health issues, multiple traumatic events, financial strain, loneliness/friendless, looks and low social skills

 

[anywherebuthere]

Reasons :
1. everytime something goes right in my life , it comes to a tragic end
2. I feel like I have no control over bad shit that happens to me , like I'm cursed or meant to fail at life
3. I'm really fucking exhausted of everything
4. I feel like being a good person is something that doesn't matter in this world , I hate that
5. I'm a prisoner of my mind
6. I don't have any good days , just days that are less unbearable

Why I'm hesitant:
1. I don't want to fail and end up in a psych ward
2. My family would be devastated

 

[rudebeat]

Reasons to CTB:
1. Potentially going blind. Even if I'm not my vision is almost certainly permanently damaged for the rest of my life. It's filled with random flashes and spots. I have multiple other symptoms with my eyes which leads me to worry I may lose my vision. All of these symptoms are getting worse over time.
2. I can't function around other people anymore without getting called a freak because of a new nervous habit I developed very recently which I physically can't prevent myself from doing. I've been avoiding my friends and my little brother because I don't want to know how they'll react.
3. Tendinitis (basically carpel tunnel) and various other chronic body injuries. I've been doing physical therapy which has helped a lot with how long I can play video games but I don't think I'll ever be able to exercise like I used to again. My appearance won't ever be as good as it used to be.
4. Hearing loss. I don't enjoy music the same way I used to with the hearing loss. I also struggle to understand people a lot more than I used to.
5. I always hesitate a lot when speaking with people in real life (I don't take rejection well at all), and I don't keep up with the internet jokes that they know so I always feel like I don't talk as much as other people do. I don't think my social skills are terrible. I can make people laugh when I do decide to say something. When I'm in a group chat and have the time to think over if I want to say something I usually get a positive response, but in general I'm definitely always the outsider who happens to be around.

Reasons I'm waiting to CTB:
1. It used to be that I was only waiting for the antacid to go with my sn but now I've decided I'm waiting till the 21st. I have a doctor appointment on that day. Depending on whether I get a medication that could stop my nervous habit from happening I'll either ctb if I have the strength or put it off longer.
2. The absolute longest I'm willing to wait is if I started losing my peripheral vision in one of my eyes (final sign you're about to lose your vision), or if I lost my sight in one of my eyes before the other (this scenario is more likely than me losing my vision in both of my eyes at the same time based off how my symptoms are much worse in one eye). I think my fear of blindness is greater than my fear of ctb so I should be fine once either of those things happens.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Reasons to CTB:

-No gf, never had one in fact. I'm a 28 year old
kissless virgin male. Any woman who doesn't see that as a red flag is probably stupid or insane and shouldn't want to be with me anyway.
-This loneliness is my own fault and no one else's. Knowing that my self is the greatest cause of all my pain and suffering means he deserves to die.
-I feel separated between two halves, both of them equally shitty and I can never distinguish which one I am at the moment or what the real difference is. All I know is that they hate each other and themselves and the only way I see that can stop this cacophony is to either kill myself or if I had a girlfriend then MAYBE I'd stop hating myself so much. There is precedent for this one since the one time I got really close to having someone, I could literally feel my two selves merging to become whole. Unfortunately this is so unlikely for a myriad of reasons.
-Living itself just feels so exhausting and frustrating. Even though my actual life isn't really that difficult or harsh, it's still incredibly frustrating to me since even the slightest drop of effort feels like trying to pick up a cactus with my bare hands. I'm sure lots of people would beg for my situation and be able to turn it around but I'm so weak and pathetic that even the existence I was given just isn't enough for me.
-I'm an evil person and there's no chance of redemption for me in this life. As long as I exist I will continue to be a waste of oxygen and other resources that could go to far more deserving people. I'll never be able to care about the planet. My mind only exists to consume.
-Even if I did get a perfect girlfriend who even motivates me to do things I normally wouldn't do, I don't see any less of a need to die. I'd still be a terrible person, just one who's thrown out their self awareness to prioritize his own selfish happiness.
-Have I already mentioned that I'm a piece of shit? Well I've had enough of all the increasing progressiveness of the world. It's becoming more and more difficult to not be forced to pick a side on every little issue and I fear I'm on the wrong side of history. I don't think I can change my ways because no matter how much I consider them, they just can't be let go of. It's fine if the world becomes more like one I wouldn't want to live in, I just shouldn't have to be forced to live in it if that's what's going to happen.

Reasons stopping me from CTB:

-Jurassic World Dominion. I am really excited for this movie because it promises to be the culmination of every Jurassic movie that came before. I just like dinosaurs ok? Once I've seen this movie I can probably die peacefully.
-The very slim chance that maybe I can find a gf before the year ends. I'm not actively trying anymore though, if my soulmate is out there she has to find me because I've happily given up trying to continue spreading evil around by existing. I'm selfish though and am easily motivated by my primal instincts meaning if there is a chance I can breed, I'll take it. If that sounds disgusting to you then congratulations, you now see why I need to be dead.

 

[Beer]

Reasons to CTB:
1. Potentially going blind. Even if I'm not my vision is almost certainly permanently damaged for the rest of my life. It's filled with random flashes and spots. I have multiple other symptoms with my eyes which leads me to worry I may lose my vision. All of these symptoms are getting worse over time.
2. I can't function around other people anymore without getting called a freak because of a new nervous habit I developed very recently which I physically can't prevent myself from doing. I've been avoiding my friends and my little brother because I don't want to know how they'll react.
3. Tendinitis (basically carpel tunnel) and various other chronic body injuries. I've been doing physical therapy which has helped a lot with how long I can play video games but I don't think I'll ever be able to exercise like I used to again. My appearance won't ever be as good as it used to be.
4. Hearing loss. I don't enjoy music the same way I used to with the hearing loss. I also struggle to understand people a lot more than I used to.
5. I always hesitate a lot when speaking with people in real life (I don't take rejection well at all), and I don't keep up with the internet jokes that they know so I always feel like I don't talk as much as other people do. I don't think my social skills are terrible. I can make people laugh when I do decide to say something. When I'm in a group chat and have the time to think over if I want to say something I usually get a positive response, but in general I'm definitely always the outsider who happens to be around.

Reasons I'm waiting to CTB:
1. It used to be that I was only waiting for the antacid to go with my sn but now I've decided I'm waiting till the 21st. I have a doctor appointment on that day. Depending on whether I get a medication that could stop my nervous habit from happening I'll either ctb if I have the strength or put it off longer.
2. The absolute longest I'm willing to wait is if I started losing my peripheral vision in one of my eyes (final sign you're about to lose your vision), or if I lost my sight in one of my eyes before the other (this scenario is more likely than me losing my vision in both of my eyes at the same time based off how my symptoms are much worse in one eye). I think my fear of blindness is greater than my fear of ctb so I should be fine once either of those things happens.

Damn, that sounds horrible, no one should have to go through that. I wish that you recover completely from those health issues

 

[erdbeeren]

Reasons for me to ctb:

1. I will inevitably die at some point. Why wait around for it?

2. nihilism and hopelessness

3. I hate society and all but a select few people

4. unable to socialize and form meaningful relationships

5. persecution, ostracism and ridicule from those around me including my "friends"

Why I haven't done it yet:

1. my cat (my only loved one)

2. si

3. I don't have a reliable method atm.

 

[Foresight]

Why?
1. Severe PTSD
2. Facial disfigurement
3. Economic hardship
4. A general self hatred and avoidance

What stops me for now:
1. I have passions I'm pursuing
2. my husband
3. other family and my animal companions
4. comfortable lifestyle at the moment. I'm supported.