What am I doing wrong?

[The Blackangel]

I have been trying to CTB for as long as I can remember, and obviously I haven't had any luck. I've tried in several ways, and several times with most of them. But for some bullshit reason, something keeps throwing a Fing monkey wrench into my plan and intentions. Which leaves me here to have to spend another day trying to get the one and only thing in life that I have wanted since I first drew breath. To be dead. Or, even better, never having been born in the first place. I have access to most anything you can think of, so I really don't know where I keep screwing up. Every morning when I wake up, I wake up surprised. Surprised that I have to spend another day in this shithole world. I dream of my own demise frequently. And when I do, those are the nights I sleep best. I spend my days staring Death in the face, and you know what? He ain't half bad.

So I have no idea where the hell I go from here. I'm looking for something as foolproof as possible. The only thing I can think of that I haven't tried is to jump out in front of a tractor on the interstate. But that is always the furthest thing in my mind from wherever I am at the moment in question.

 

[madameviolette]

I'm sorry that you're struggling OP. Take time in choosing your options. No rush. Also wondering how did you try to CTB before ? What went wrong ?

 

[Nightfoot]

Is SI interfering and causing you to back out or are you going through with it but still not succeeding? Trying to die is very difficult, so go easy on yourself.

 

[The Blackangel]

Also wondering how did you try to CTB before ? What went wrong ?

I have put a shotgun in my mouth, a rope around my neck, poison, and a lot of pills. Nothing worked. The gun was too old and it jammed. The ropes broke. Even a chain didn't work. The pills and poisons just made me puke for about a week.

Is SI interfering and causing you to back out or are you going through with it but still not succeeding? Trying to die is very difficult, so go easy on yourself.

SI isn't a factor. Every time I go through with the attempt. I'm just having no luck. It makes me feel like a total failure. Which only reinforces my reasons for wanting to die.

 

[madameviolette]

I have put a shotgun in my mouth, a rope around my neck, poison, and a lot of pills. Nothing worked. The gun was too old and it jammed. The ropes broke. Even a chain didn't work. The pills and poisons just made me puke for about a week.


SI isn't a factor. Every time I go through with the attempt. I'm just having no luck. It makes me feel like a total failure. Which only reinforces my reasons for wanting to die.

what kind of pills and poison did you take ?

 

[Hollowman]

I'm sorry that you're struggling OP. Take time in choosing your options. No rush. Also wondering how did you try to CTB before ? What went wrong ?

"Take time"? maybe you didn't notice op has been a member for seven years.

 

[The Blackangel]

what kind of pills and poison did you take ?

The pills were sleeping pills. The poison was homemade cyanide that I apparently had rushed the recipe and was too weak to even kill an ant.