Venting What am I doing this for?

[Ociv]

Pretty much any time I do any thing in my life, I always start to slip and lose motivation. I end up asking myself "What am I doing this for?" and I never end up really having an answer. In the past four years I have quit thirteen jobs and dropped out of college twice, all for this same reason. I have never been able to tell myself why I'm doing it.

For a little bit last year I had a girlfriend whom I was living with. I really loved her, and I got to feel what it felt like to have an answer to that question: I was doing it for her. She ended up cheating on me and we broke up in december. After that it felt like I had tasted the most delicious cake in the world, and all other food tasted bland now. I felt what it was like to have an answer to that question, and now it is twice as painful to live without one.

I just gave up and quit my last job a few weeks ago, par for the course. I find myself unable to come up with a possible answer for that question other than "Im doing it for someone I love." I am trying ot figure out what I am going to do next, and for the first time I dont even feel the motivation to apply for more jobs like I usually do. I will just end up quitting because I dont have a reason to stay. Finding someone that I love, someone I can live for, is not an easy task. I cant just go get a girlfriend, it doesnt work that way.

I cant find someone to love, and I cant find any other reason to live, any reason to work, or survive. I no longer have a clear path forward. I am going to enlist in the army soon. I dont really care what its like, as it will probably be just as miserably meaningless as everything else I do. I am simply doing my due diligence in trying every option. Maybe theyll beat the shit out of me if I try to give up. it would be nice to stick with something for a while, to succeed for once. Or rather, to not fail.

If this goes wrong too, I think i will probably pivot to a suicide plan. the army would help in that, as part of my plan would be to distance myself from my friends and relatives, burn all the bridges. I would probably get some MOS that deploys me super far away, idk. im just running on autopilot at this point. well see what happens.

Ask me questions if you want. talking about stuff makes me feel a bit better and maybe figure some things out.

 

[halleyscomet]

I'm in a similar position.

Without someone to love, I have no reason to live. I let guys use me for sex just to feel like I'm being used for something, that I'm some kind of worth.

I have so much love to give, and I'm sure you do too. It's really painful when you can't give that to anyone or receive any in return.

I don't even think about my future, I just give all that I can to those around me so maybe hopefully I'll get just that little bit of affection in return.

Feel free to message me, I'm happy to listen and relate to you. :)

 

[BojackHorseman]

I'm in a similar position.

Without someone to love, I have no reason to live. I let guys use me for sex just to feel like I'm being used for something, that I'm some kind of worth.

I have so much love to give, and I'm sure you do too. It's really painful when you can't give that to anyone or receive any in return.

I don't even think about my future, I just give all that I can to those around me so maybe hopefully I'll get just that little bit of affection in return.

Feel free to message me, I'm happy to listen and relate to you. :)

I used to do the same thing. I knew the truth that they were just using me, that it was all fake, but playing pretend for just a little while felt better than nothing at all. It gave me a short reprive from my home life with my abusive father and food in my empty belly.

I struggled with my own slut shaming inner thoughts, and the audible comments of others, for many years. It has taken me until my mid thirties to cut myself some slack. I didn't do anything wrong or shameful. I was an abused teen/young adult who was taken advantage of by older men who obviously knew I was an easy target. If anyone should feel shame, its the 40 year old men who thought it appropriate to use an obviously disturbed 17 yr old for sex.

I hope your not battling those same thoughts I was. But if you are, remember virginity is a myth. Its not real. Aint no mans dick important or special enough to change your self worth or identity. Your number of sexual parterners, or lack thereof, does not make you better or worse than anyone else.

 

[Ociv]

I'm in a similar position.

Without someone to love, I have no reason to live. I let guys use me for sex just to feel like I'm being used for something, that I'm some kind of worth.

I have so much love to give, and I'm sure you do too. It's really painful when you can't give that to anyone or receive any in return.

I don't even think about my future, I just give all that I can to those around me so maybe hopefully I'll get just that little bit of affection in return.

Feel free to message me, I'm happy to listen and relate to you. :)

I think it seems somewhat common on here for people to be in your situation, and I can see why. It is a place that i could very easily see myself going as well.

for the final few months with my ex, our relationship was probably objectively toxic, but I never seemed to care. I knew deep down that she wasnt being faithful, she had been talking a lot to another man, even stepping out during our time together to answer his phone calls. eventually she told me that she wanted us to be an open relationship. she wanted to date both of us. I think she was just using me for comfort and stability, but I was using her for the same.

I forced myself to be okay with it because she was the only person I felt safe around. for months I was a tool to her, a safety net for any time she felt sad or angry at whoever she was fucking at the time. I fed her and gave her a place to sleep when she couldnt stay at home. I gave her kisses and sex whenever she asked for it. In exchange, she listened to my problems and held me when i couldnt sleep. it wasnt a fair trade, but it was all I had. It was unhealthy, toxic, but I didnt care. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

She moved away a couple months ago, so I havent talked to her in a while. I find myself craving someone to confide in in that same way. I used to be picky about women, I was diligent about red flags, but I feel like I have been beaten down to the point that I dont care anymore. I dont care whether its healthy, whether im being cheated on or used for sex or money or whatever, I just want that comfort again.

man sorry I didnt mean to write that much about it. im just rambling at this point

 

[AkaRed]

I know how it feels to just be constantly drifting, with no meaning to really hold onto.
I often feel the same about the things I do, and despite being introverted and a bit of a homebody- I do have a lot of love to give and would love to be able to share it with someone. It gives so much more purpose than doing things alone.

Life just isn't the same without something truly special for yourself, and there's a good reason why so many people attach that to relationships.
I think it is important to be able to have values for yourself and whatnot, but nobody likes to just drift. It's horrible.

So many of the things we do in life are generally meaningless on their own- and it's the company we keep that brings things to life.
Life is full of distractions until the bitter end.

<3

 

[xinino]

I think you proved my previous expectations that love sometimes isn't enough to fill the gap, but I heard people with high social status from technology industry talk about ignore their emotions and not listening to their irrational brain "they consider their brain primitive comparing to AI"

it may works for you, I personally find it hard to be unemotion

 

[divinemistress36]

Romantic love doesn't usually last though they end up moving on finding someone else

 

[Ociv]

Romantic love doesn't usually last though they end up moving on finding someone else

I dont think I care about romantic love anymore. Such a thing feels like a fantasy, something Id watch in a movie. Its hard to convince myself that something like that exists in the world beyond my imagination. Instead Ive been conditioned to latch onto the dregs of what little love actually exists. I no longer feel the need for romantic love, or any kind of love at all. All I want in the end is to be able to give it to someone. I dont care anymore if they dont love me back, or if I am being used or taken advantage of or if they find someone else ,I just want to be able to be able to give my everything to someone.

 

[escape_from_hell]

I relate very much to what you're describing. I fucked up a very long-term relationship with someone I loved very much and was not good enough to repair it.
Tried going to two new schools, one in a far away country. Now an old fucker with many horrible life experiences motivation is not easy to come by so the moving to a new country was not the joy it would be as a young lad eager to conquer life.
In another school right now faced with the same dilemma as you. Why do this? Severe anhedonia so no joy to do the job. No social skills or currency. Although the instructors seem to like me and there are job prospects I don't want them, and other students created some awful rumors about me even though I'm not very socially engaged so I am viewed as some kind of evil piece of shit.

Sorry, not trying to make this about me, just trying to relate to you.

I am making this comment to recommend you not join the military. That's how I started my adult life a long time ago.
Telling you now without motivation and these big 'why's' it will be extremely miserable and you will face extreme consequences for not appearing 100% at all times, including way less sleep and so on, getting through all the trainings, it's a never-ending set of demands for more and belittlement of your self-worth.
Conversely, if you have lots of social skills, and particularly if you still have some youth left, you could make some strong friendships and friend groups. Also, what I say about the drawbacks may be the opposite for you. Maybe that severe kick in the ass will restore the fire of life for you? So it will be up to you to answer that question. Keep in mind, it won't be as simple as quitting anymore! Not much 'running on autopilot' without horrible punishments including getting all your comrades punished for you sucking ass so they will hate and take it out on you. That's what I wanted to warn about.: can't just quit, will need to muster up a lot of energy every single day with little rest, and there stands a long period of time between your training and assignments before you'll be shipped off to a death in combat scenario (if ever, and it will be an extremely miserable shitty way to go--I've been in those very conditions).

 

[Ociv]

That's what I wanted to warn about.: can't just quit, will need to muster up a lot of energy every single day with little rest, and there stands a long period of time between your training and assignments before you'll be shipped off to a death in combat scenario (if ever, and it will be an extremely miserable shitty way to go--I've been in those very conditions).

being unable to quit is one of the reasons im wanting to try this. ive quit everything else Ive tried, I want to see something through to the end for once in my life, and if icommitment a miserable hard lesson to learn for me, then so be it. also, I would not be going into infantry or any position that has me being shipped off to combat, not like were really at war anyways.

 

[escape_from_hell]

being unable to quit is one of the reasons im wanting to try this. ive quit everything else Ive tried, I want to see something through to the end for once in my life, and if icommitment a miserable hard lesson to learn for me, then so be it. also, I would not be going into infantry or any position that has me being shipped off to combat, not like were really at war anyways.

Understood, best luck to you. Be careful what you wish for, it will guaranteed suck ass at times.
However, it sounds like you're kinda sorting out what you need. It could turn out well in the end and I hope it does work out for you man.