Feb 22, 2023
I am 24, I dropped out of university for the 4th time late last year and things became unbearable, I just couldnt keep up the pace no matter how hard I tried.
In the past I had drug addictions, had at best part time jobs but mostly lived on welfare when uni went to shit. I had tried to seek help twice before, with the first attempt ending in my doctor saying I couldnt get a psychologist because I did DIY HRT (which she saw as drug use) and the second attempt a few years later ended in equal failure and just left my kinda traumatised with zero trust in healthcare. When things became more and more unbearable this year I thought I could never study or work, I would get kicked out again and just be homeless or live on welfare the rest of my life, plus I had severe emotional and social issues. It culminated in me buying SN and AE.

My boyfriend noticed all this and basically forced me to give healthcare another try when he found out I bought SN and threatened to call the police if I dont go to the psych ward willingly, I was terrified of my family finding out so I went.

I think there were two good things that came out of my 4 day stay there. I had to meet so many doctors, nurses and psychologists and they were all good to me. They took me seriously and they discussed with me what they thought my problems were. This made me less scared of healthcare workers, they didn't want to write me off nor did they want to give me shit for being trans or whatever, they insisted in a way that felt genuine. I started to believe that maybe healthcare could help me. They showed me my problems (possible ADD and BPD) and showed me how they could help me with it. Faith in healthcare restored.

The second part, which is why I wanted to write this thread is they helped me with something I did not even consider. My sleep was fucked, like I could not sleep until 4,5 or even 6 in the morning, just laying there full of stress. They gave me quetiapin, a drug used for schizophrenia and bipolar but also effective against anxiety. I was asleep at 10pm. It felt like a miracle, it basically took away an extreme amount of anxiety during the night and made me able to sleep like a normal person again. Not only that, it also carried over to the next day, I felt a lot less anxious. With the decrease in stress and anxiety I was able to just relax and enjoy normal things again, I wasn't always on edge and could just kinda enjoy just hanging out, doing whatever. My suicidality decreased a lot.

I never considered this to be part of my problems, part of why I became so suicidal, but not only did I have real problems but just my emotions were a massive problem too, more than I thought. Not being able to enjoy anything and always being stressed was something that in hindsight had a much bigger role in me being suicidal than I thought.

It's been two months, the meds are starting to be less effective and the past 2 weeks Ive not been able to sleep until 5 am again. Today I woke up at 16 yet again, just after my doctors office closed, I was crying for half an hour, because I am aware that this might push me back into the same state of mind as before, always stressed and anxious and Im so scared of going back to that. You have real problems that fuck up your life. But your emotional state matters more than you think.