Discussion Were you suicidal as a child?

[Sadbanana]

I remembered when I was 5 or so I really wanted to die, although I don't exactly remember the context, I remember being on a balcony preparing myself for jump. But it was too high and felt too real in that moment, so I backed up. It's possible that this is how my fear of heights was created.

I don't know exactly why I wanted to do it. I remember being very unhappy and angry at my parents.

I now wish I would have done it back then. The amount of suffering I would have prevented would deffinitely make it worth.

 

[Eternal Disaster]

I have been suicidal since I was 15( if that's considered as a child).
Sometimes I wanted to come infront of a truck.

 

[HopeNotLong]

If 14 is considered a child, I have been desperately wanting not to exist since then, and my first attempt was at 17.

 

[iamanavalanche]

i didnt know what suicide was nor did i know that there was anyway to end my own life. i just knew i wanted to be euthanized and i used to look up if it was okay for a child to be euthanized

 

[UnusedGate]

I had suicide ideation since I was 12, it started mainly due to me basically being an outcast (I had a few friends but generally people either ignored me or just didn't like me). The first memory that I have of actually wanting to die was 14 (maybe earlier but I don't remember) and that was because I got a really bad grade. Though, I wouldnt be surprised if I actually was suicidal before then. Since then I've just gone back and forth between being suicidal and having suicide ideation.

 

[unluckysadness]

I struggle with suicidal thoughs since I was 10. At this time I was in a boarding school and I suffered the martyr because of abuse. I remember wanting to jump (the building was high). Traumatic memories. God I've suffered so much. If you knew my life, you would cry. I hope I'll go in heaven. it has gone on too long

 

[FuneralCry]

I have always wished to permanently cease existing and always will do, my wish to cease existing is a result of being burdened with this deeply undesirable, torturous cruel and futile existence I always saw as a mistake.

I've always wished for peace, all that's desirable for me is the peace of an eternal dreamless sleep where all is finally forgotten but of course I wish I never suffered more than anything, I see it as the most terrible tragedy how this existence was imposed causing and bringing all this suffering as a result.

 

[rainatthebusstop]

Ever since I can remember, I remember other people rejecting me. I think I realized at age 8 that it would be better to just disappear, just become deadly ill or horribly mangled so that I could eternally be out of their sight.
I realized soon after that if I died everyone around me would have an easier life. So my suicidal ideation started with 8 or 9 I believe

 

[dearlydeparted44]

I've been since I was 7. My abusive mother and absent father made me so.

 

[fkyou]

Suicidal no existentially depressed yes zero ability to socialize despite longing for it. Strange times strange life

 

[waistcoat]

my memory of my childhood is hazy at best and non existent in most places.
that being said, my mother has told me of two times that she saw me jump into a pool, sink to the bottom, and refuse to swim up to the point she had to jump in and pull me out. if i remember the stories correctly this was before 5-6 years old.

the earliest memory i have of wanting to die is around 10 years old, however that is also one of my earliest memories at all.

 

[Merocero]

When i was around 8 i talked with a friend that if there was a painless way to die, I'd take it, and that's my earliest memory of ever wanting to die. I was pretty isolated as a kid, my classmates never liked me and outside of school i couldn't connect with anyone my age, i was stuck talking with people like 2-3 years younger due to my childish interests even as a kid... i always felt like i dont fit in,,

 

[ankawannadie]

A part of me actually wished that I would become suicidal because then I wouldn't be scared of death. That was my logic as a 6 year old and for someone who grew up with thanatophobia. Now I realize how much of an idiot I was.
I do not want to experience these emotions at all. I'm so scared.

 

[princexhhn]

I remember often fantasizing about killing myself as a child. Just sat in the living room thinking about gutting myself and dying on the kitchen floor

 

[Hollowman]

I had a plan when I was twelve. I should've went through with it.

 

[Lullaby]

Yes! My first attempt was when I was 12, I tried to hang myself but my mom came home and caught me. That also landed me my first impatient at the hospital. Worst experience of my life.

I turned 31 last month and it's insane that I'm still dealing with this shit. Totally exhausted.

 

[amerie]

Yes but it's weird bc I didn't feel actual depression or the effects of an illness until I was a teenager. I guess I wanted to die because I was deeply angry and upset that I was so rejected by the world, by everyone who was supposed to protect me.

Spoiler: don't read this, I mention the reasons why I was like this as a child

I remember my childhood but the older I get I sort of find a resistance to how much my mind will let me remember, but there were days where I was bullied and excluded at school, and then I had to come home and get my ass beaten every night for some arbitrary reason. I remember having a breakdown at some after school program I attended because I left my homework in the classroom and I was so scared that my mom would beat me over it (even though she'd do it regardless if I left it or not, because again she just wanted to hurt me in anyway she could) and everyone watched and did nothing, they didn't care, no one offered to help until the last minute and sent me off with my mom telling me how difficult I was. There was no escape and I just wanted to be away from it all. I was just the burden to the adults around me and I resented the fact that I was even alive.

I don't remember when or why she decided to stop actively beating my ass but I think she started feeling bad because I had to go to school wearing long sleeves because of the bruising she'd leave and she got a new job where she couldn't be around me for long periods of time

Anyways I attempted suicide quite a few times in elementary but they were passive and quiet so no one knew what I was doing and I was never hospitalized

My life is quite peaceful now but I still I struggle with depression and suicidal ideation because to survive I had to become a shell of myself, hence why I plan on killing myself very soon. Not now but maybe in like 15 years or so.

 

[Cosmophobic]

Yes. Around 8 years old was the first time I considered it when I was struck with guilt/abandonment based OCD and I had no idea what it was and hadn't the language to process it. I just thought I was a rotten little monster.

 

[InTheAbyss]

Yes. First attempt was at 7. Felt that I wanted to die/didn't belong in this world before that though.

 

[already_dying]

Yes, I don't remember when it started, but pretty much for as long as I remember, sometimes I think it's just my baseline of existence.

 

[melonpan]

Yes, but not exactly in a depressed way. I think the youngest was when I was around 5 that I thought, "if I 'disappeared' (or some sort of word similar to that) then I don't have to grow old." I was always petrified by the idea of growing old, enough so that nearly every birthday I thought, "this will be my last." Around middle school was when I started thinking, "if I die, I don't need to go to school...my parents would be fine anyways without me." Around high school was when it became, "I'm a burden and I should die."
But, here I am, in college, alive :/

 

[Forveleth]

I had a really good childhood. Life hit me hard at 13, and by 15 I was suicidal.

 

[katara]

Ever since I can remember, I remember other people rejecting me. I think I realized at age 8 that it would be better to just disappear, just become deadly ill or horribly mangled so that I could eternally be out of their sight.
I realized soon after that if I died everyone around me would have an easier life. So my suicidal ideation started with 8 or 9 I believe

I'm sorry to hear this bc it was around the same age for me. You didn't deserve to deal with that by yourself.

 

[PI3.14]

No. I was an anxious kid though due to SA. I was also depressed due to family mistreatment at the time. I started becoming severely depressed and suicidal at age 19 and continued to be so since then.

 

[4Icarus]

Yeah. It never really went away. My earliest memories of suicidal ideation were at six years old, first grade. I remember wanting to fall asleep and not wake up enough to want to eat all my mother's sleeping medication before I even knew the full implications of that.

Once I found out, though, I found out keeping quiet about it was the best way to not get my rights taken away because it was near immediate those bastards used it as a reason to lock me away.

 

[Spite]

Not as a child, but during early adolescence I increasingly had urges to want to end my life. I was about 14 when I started to develop major depression and suicidal thoughts. I have been suicidal on-and-off ever since then, which is almost half my life now.

 

[Remember]

When I was a kid, maybe 5~7, I tried to kill myself by stabbing my heart with a butter knife. I didn't even know where my heart was, I was pressing it into my sternum...

 

[Freedombus'25]

Since 2-3 yrs old.

 

[ElTopo]

Yes, before I even knew it