1-2 friends of me know my darkest secrets. Really the worst things I ever did. Mostly, when I was younger. I went through a lot of abuse and bullying as child and teenager. I am not sure if that is a good excuse. I also grew up with a horrible family. My mom told me as a child never to get children they are too much work. She also told me she does not want a disabled child (I have autism but noone diagnosed it). I can remember she insulted me as a child not to act like a "mongoloid" child. I think she wanted to refer to children with down syndrom.
As a teengaer I insulted strangers online in pretty stupid ways. Something I feel ashamed for. I did really shitty things. If people around me would knew that they would judge me for it. I said horrible things. I wanted to be edgy for it was just a really toxic coping skill with how I endured my living hell. 3 of my closest friends know what I did. They were like what the actual fuck when I told them about it when we were teenagers. I also insulted them in some ways. I apoplogized for it of course.
Only 3 friends know I watched gore. People would look down at me for it. I think I am not sure but I said it to a F2M who had a crush on me as teenager. I think this was the moment he stopped being interested in me. But I wasn't interested anyway. I think he is a trans man now. I hope my formulation is correct. I am not sure sure which pronouns would be approriate to talk about his past self. I tried to become a better person. The worst thing about that beheading (the worst video I watched) were not the pictures. The screams of that innocent woman were the worst. The footage was manageable. But the screams. Holy cow. I had nightmares also years after I watched it. I think I am a person that can easily develop PTSD when I watch too much gore. People who feel empathy for the portrayed people and who at the same time feel helpless are among the most vulnerable groups for developing PTSD when they watch stuff like that.
The thing is: people would judge hard on me if they knew I was a mass poster on Sanctioned Suicide. I think the bast majority of media consumers would consider me a horrible human being for that. I also ask AI how it would judge me for being a mass poster on here.
Imagine someone reads the articles in the BBC, VICE, NYT. No own research. And then they find out I post daily on here, that I actually like this community and I also like to contribute to the forum to keep it alive. They would put me in the same category as Hitler, Stalin and Satan. They would see me as monster.
Something I struggle to imagine. The way many on here live. To keep quiet in front of all people they love. There is this woman in my self-help group who showed interest in me. It seems as she has borderline. And she is flirting with 4-5 men at the same time while she is in a relationship. She is lying to everyone about it. She even is not open in our self-help group on whether she has borderline. I am also not fully honest in this self-help group about my suicidality and that I will never be able to work. I feel too ashamed about the latter one.
It proves for me many people fake it in front of others. And in this self-help group we actually try to be vulnerable and open up about our inner feelings. I think I always want to portray a certain image of myself. I am open and vulnerable but not fully. I think I could get hurt too much otherwise.
As a teengaer I insulted strangers online in pretty stupid ways. Something I feel ashamed for. I did really shitty things. If people around me would knew that they would judge me for it. I said horrible things. I wanted to be edgy for it was just a really toxic coping skill with how I endured my living hell. 3 of my closest friends know what I did. They were like what the actual fuck when I told them about it when we were teenagers. I also insulted them in some ways. I apoplogized for it of course.
Only 3 friends know I watched gore. People would look down at me for it. I think I am not sure but I said it to a F2M who had a crush on me as teenager. I think this was the moment he stopped being interested in me. But I wasn't interested anyway. I think he is a trans man now. I hope my formulation is correct. I am not sure sure which pronouns would be approriate to talk about his past self. I tried to become a better person. The worst thing about that beheading (the worst video I watched) were not the pictures. The screams of that innocent woman were the worst. The footage was manageable. But the screams. Holy cow. I had nightmares also years after I watched it. I think I am a person that can easily develop PTSD when I watch too much gore. People who feel empathy for the portrayed people and who at the same time feel helpless are among the most vulnerable groups for developing PTSD when they watch stuff like that.
The thing is: people would judge hard on me if they knew I was a mass poster on Sanctioned Suicide. I think the bast majority of media consumers would consider me a horrible human being for that. I also ask AI how it would judge me for being a mass poster on here.
Imagine someone reads the articles in the BBC, VICE, NYT. No own research. And then they find out I post daily on here, that I actually like this community and I also like to contribute to the forum to keep it alive. They would put me in the same category as Hitler, Stalin and Satan. They would see me as monster.
Something I struggle to imagine. The way many on here live. To keep quiet in front of all people they love. There is this woman in my self-help group who showed interest in me. It seems as she has borderline. And she is flirting with 4-5 men at the same time while she is in a relationship. She is lying to everyone about it. She even is not open in our self-help group on whether she has borderline. I am also not fully honest in this self-help group about my suicidality and that I will never be able to work. I feel too ashamed about the latter one.
It proves for me many people fake it in front of others. And in this self-help group we actually try to be vulnerable and open up about our inner feelings. I think I always want to portray a certain image of myself. I am open and vulnerable but not fully. I think I could get hurt too much otherwise.
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