It has been a year since April that I have not used marijuana, sometimes I am happy with that feeling of thinking that I can be "ok", then I fall into my jokes of use, or jokes of when I tried to commit suicide or when I was self-harming, vomiting (I was in my circle of self-destruction).
I admit that each of those issues I kept replacing them with one of the following, cutting myself for smoking tobacco, or both at the same time, cutting myself for burning myself and then vomiting. Until I found a group of classmates who claimed to be my friends and thought I needed babysitters, missed classes because of me and shouldn't have, and then yelled and screamed in my face (I don't blame them).
The thing is that in the end, everything went wrong and they sent me to hell because it was an accumulation of misunderstandings, in which I was a toxic.
Then I went to study a higher degree in the city, but of course, I did everything but study. Sex, drugs, alcohol, women, men, pregnancy tests, I was raped, drugged.
And another toxic relationship, I fell back into marijuana addiction with which I started at sixteen and got out in April last year.
I really miss smoking. Despite the outbreaks, although since my ex-partner never took me to the hospital I will never know if they were psychotic breaks or not, but according to my psychiatrist they were.
Sometimes I would get to see something, and I remember grabbing a girl on the street and telling her something,she looked at me scared, I went to a doorway and saw my father getting out of the car to hit me and my ex-partner didn't understand anything, and a girl offered us help but he said no, I felt like I was melting, then everything was dark and I saw a lot of people in the form of slugs although I didn't know what that term was, crucified on stakes, and praying, I scratched my ex-partner and he yelled at me that I was fucking up his day and that made me wake up for a second and we were in a cab to the bus station because I had to go to my house, when I got on the bus, I thought about killing the girl next to me and I told my ex, the girl read it or so I think and changed at the next stop. When I tried to get off the bus I couldn't feel my legs.
Things like that happened to me whenever I smoked, but I couldn't quit.
In fact if I could I would go back to smoking, but one of the times I took off my shirt and I was left with nothing on top and luckily a guy who wasn't even my friend before I threw myself into the cars dressed me and stopped me. All because I said we were at war and we couldn't trust any of the people in the car. (That was with a guy who left me stranded and his friend came to help me).
I talked to the psychiatrist to know when the feeling of being in the Truman Show would go away or I don't know how to explain it, or that everything is a lie or a dream, because that was my feeling when I smoked, he told me it was temporary, but my feeling is still there.
I don't know if it's my brain chemistry, that I'm still depressed and I want to keep committing suicide because I have no job, I have no studies, they won't let me drive and I'm considered useless at home for having taken drugs.
I really feel I would be better off dead.
I know it sounds like victimization, I read it and that's how it is, but I don't know, I don't remember anything from the past, I see my parents and they are two strangers, my sister and the same, I try to remember my grandfather and I cry because I don't remember his voice and how he sang in the kitchen and stopped when he heard me get off. And me like a fucking drug addict I didn't pay him any attention, he gave me money and I spent it, I didn't let him watch his programs and I watched shit on cartoon TV.
I admit that each of those issues I kept replacing them with one of the following, cutting myself for smoking tobacco, or both at the same time, cutting myself for burning myself and then vomiting. Until I found a group of classmates who claimed to be my friends and thought I needed babysitters, missed classes because of me and shouldn't have, and then yelled and screamed in my face (I don't blame them).
The thing is that in the end, everything went wrong and they sent me to hell because it was an accumulation of misunderstandings, in which I was a toxic.
Then I went to study a higher degree in the city, but of course, I did everything but study. Sex, drugs, alcohol, women, men, pregnancy tests, I was raped, drugged.
And another toxic relationship, I fell back into marijuana addiction with which I started at sixteen and got out in April last year.
I really miss smoking. Despite the outbreaks, although since my ex-partner never took me to the hospital I will never know if they were psychotic breaks or not, but according to my psychiatrist they were.
Sometimes I would get to see something, and I remember grabbing a girl on the street and telling her something,she looked at me scared, I went to a doorway and saw my father getting out of the car to hit me and my ex-partner didn't understand anything, and a girl offered us help but he said no, I felt like I was melting, then everything was dark and I saw a lot of people in the form of slugs although I didn't know what that term was, crucified on stakes, and praying, I scratched my ex-partner and he yelled at me that I was fucking up his day and that made me wake up for a second and we were in a cab to the bus station because I had to go to my house, when I got on the bus, I thought about killing the girl next to me and I told my ex, the girl read it or so I think and changed at the next stop. When I tried to get off the bus I couldn't feel my legs.
Things like that happened to me whenever I smoked, but I couldn't quit.
In fact if I could I would go back to smoking, but one of the times I took off my shirt and I was left with nothing on top and luckily a guy who wasn't even my friend before I threw myself into the cars dressed me and stopped me. All because I said we were at war and we couldn't trust any of the people in the car. (That was with a guy who left me stranded and his friend came to help me).
I talked to the psychiatrist to know when the feeling of being in the Truman Show would go away or I don't know how to explain it, or that everything is a lie or a dream, because that was my feeling when I smoked, he told me it was temporary, but my feeling is still there.
I don't know if it's my brain chemistry, that I'm still depressed and I want to keep committing suicide because I have no job, I have no studies, they won't let me drive and I'm considered useless at home for having taken drugs.
I really feel I would be better off dead.
I know it sounds like victimization, I read it and that's how it is, but I don't know, I don't remember anything from the past, I see my parents and they are two strangers, my sister and the same, I try to remember my grandfather and I cry because I don't remember his voice and how he sang in the kitchen and stopped when he heard me get off. And me like a fucking drug addict I didn't pay him any attention, he gave me money and I spent it, I didn't let him watch his programs and I watched shit on cartoon TV.
