Were you anxious abt not fitting in when you became a member here?

[DestinyNight]

Because I sure am. I don't know if you guys actually do this "introducing oneself" thing here but here you go:

Hi, I'm new.
I wanna start by saying that my heart goes out to each and every one of you in this forum. How the hell did we end up here? I shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be here, this forum shouldn't even exist in the first place but here we are. What a fucking cruel thing this supposedly beautiful thing called life is. Because that's what I'm being told constantly: "Life is beautiful." Funny, doesn't feel that way at all to me.
I'm 29, I have a eating disorder, ADD + a chronic illness. All three have destroyed my life and now I can add "clinical depression" to that list. I'm currently unemployed and I had to move back to my parents'.
I was bullied, made fun of and marginalized in school. Beat by a family member. Never have had a sense of belonging. I'm so used to being rejected that even in here, I'm scared of not fitting in and being ignored like I've always been. Hence my question.

I feel so worthless. Unworthy. A burden, that's all I am at this point. I'm terrified. I'm just so so terrified. Of everything. And I'm mad. Mad at myself for being sick, mad at life for constantly throwing shit at me meanwhile all I can do is watch my few friends that I have left living a healthy, normal, fulfilling life. I try not to be jealous, I'm honestly happy for them but I'm just so tired of standing on the sidelines and just watching. Fuck this. Fuck all of it.

Anyway, I hope I can have a small family here that I can talk to about how bad I REALLY feel. And to accompany me down the road to freedom and peace when all of this is hopefully over. Nice to meet you all.

 

[schopenh]

I'm nearly 28. Chronic illness has ruined my life and I have to live at home with my mother. I was wondering what ADS is?

 

[DestinyNight]

I'm nearly 28. Chronic illness has ruined my life and I have to live at home with my mother. I was wondering what ADS is?

Sorry, typo, ADD - attention deficit disorder.

It's true when they say that health is not everything but everything is nothing without health.

 

[who doesn't matter]

Because I sure am. I don't know if you guys actually do this "introducing oneself" thing here but here you go:

Hi, I'm new.
I wanna start by saying that my heart goes out to each and every one of you in this forum. How the hell did we end up here? I shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be here, this forum shouldn't even exist in the first place but here we are. What a fucking cruel thing this supposedly beautiful thing called life is. Because that's what I'm being told constantly: "Life is beautiful." Funny, doesn't feel that way at all to me.
I'm 29, I have a eating disorder, ADD + a chronic illness. All three have destroyed my life and now I can add "clinical depression" to that list. I'm currently unemployed and I had to move back to my parents'.
I was bullied, made fun of and marginalized in school. Beat by a family member. Never have had a sense of belonging. I'm so used to being rejected that even in here, I'm scared of not fitting in and being ignored like I've always been. Hence my question.

I feel so worthless. Unworthy. A burden, that's all I am at this point. I'm terrified. I'm just so so terrified. Of everything. And I'm mad. Mad at myself for being sick, mad at life for constantly throwing shit at me meanwhile all I can do is watch my few friends that I have left living a healthy, normal, fulfilling life. I try not to be jealous, I'm honestly happy for them but I'm just so tired of standing on the sidelines and just watching. Fuck this. Fuck all of it.

Anyway, I hope I can have a small family here that I can talk to about how bad I REALLY feel. And to accompany me down the road to freedom and peace when all of this is hopefully over. Nice to meet you all.

You just joined the club mate. Just like you pointed out, this forum "exists" which means we all misfits here. Back in the day, I used to always measure my self-worth. I kept on reminding myself how big of a failure I was. I still am a failure but not by choice. Almost everyone here is suffering because of something they can't possibly control. To "live" a good life, you require various resources like a good family, supportive friends, etc etc. Most of us never had any of that. It's like asking a car to run without fuel, like that would work.

 

[schopenh]

Oh I see, thanks for clarifying. Have you been prescribed/coercered/forced to take anti-depressants ?
I can't send you a DM because you're a new member. But I was going to ask if " I feel so worthless. Unworthy. A burden, that's all I am at this point. " thoughts like these are the primary reason you feel like CTBing?

 

[Epsilon0]

Welcome @DestinyNight

You fit in here just as much, and just as little, as me and everyone else.

I won't tell you any fairy tales about what a loving forum this is, nor will I welcome you with arms wide open into the caring family SS is.

This place is what you make of it.

If you want information, it's here, if you want to vent, we're here, if you want to scream and flip the world, join the choir!

I hope you will have a good experience here and I agree with you: none of us should be here. In a perfect world we would all be on Instagram posting photos with umbrella drinks from some beach in Turks and Caicos

 

[Philosykos]

Welcome, DestinyNight.

It's almost funny (in an extremely non-funny, almost makes you want to cry kind of way) to read your post and pretty much relate to every single point in it and knowing that the vast majority here probably can as well. If you're here to talk, talk. Talk in the open forums or find people you can converse with in PMs. (Mine are always open). You will find people whom you have little in common with but probably even more who can relate to and understand your state of mind and reason for coming here in the first place.

To answer your question: Yes, I was. I always am.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Im forever anxious about not fitting in EVERYWHERE

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Hi, I'm new.
I wanna start by saying that my heart goes out to each and every one of you in this forum. How the hell did we end up here? I shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be here, this forum shouldn't even exist in the first place but here we are. What a fucking cruel thing this supposedly beautiful thing called life is.

I've expressed this same exact sentiment numerous times. I couldn't possibly agree more.

Welcome to the forum though. I'm sure you'll fit in fine here so don't worry too much.

I was nervous about a few things when I joined this forum, but fitting in wasn't one of them. I just sort of exist right now and I could care less about fitting in anywhere.

 

[DestinyNight]

Oh I see, thanks for clarifying. Have you been prescribed/coercered/forced to take anti-depressants ?
I can't send you a DM because you're a new member. But I was going to ask if " I feel so worthless. Unworthy. A burden, that's all I am at this point. " thoughts like these are the primary reason you feel like CTBing?

Yeah, my therapist and my mom have pretty much coerced me to start taking antidepressants again. I used to take them for a while and as soon as I realized they don't help AT ALL I stopped taking them. My mom thinks that if I take them long enough they will eventually help (which is total BS, I know) and begged me to start again so I figured she would drown in guilt if I don't take them now and ctb. At least now she won't ever have to blame herself for not having been able to convince me to have medication. I might be put on medication for ADD since it was only very recently discovered that I actually do suffer from it.
@Epsilon0
Thank you. That's exactly what I try to do: Making the best out of it and see where this goes.

@Philosykos
It's oddly comforting to know that so many of us have experienced the same shit. I have no one in real life who can relate. My therapist keeps telling me that there's shit loads of people who feel the exact same way and while I KNOW that, I feel like I'm surrounded by people with normal, happy lives and I'm just the poor freak who's eventually going to kill herself.

 

[schopenh]

Which antidepressant are you on, if you don't mind sharing? Did you stop taking it cold turkey?
I assume it was a psychiatrist who diagnosed your ADD?
Do you get any benefit from any therapy that you've tried?

 

[Soul]

@DestinyNight, you sound like you're in the right place. Wecome and I'm sorry, in equal measure.

I was so tired of feeling out of place that I became a career ex-pat. Now I'm not a misfit; I'm a foreigner.

 

[DestinyNight]

Which antidepressant are you on, if you don't mind sharing? Did you stop taking it cold turkey?
I assume it was a psychiatrist who diagnosed your ADD?
Do you get any benefit from any therapy that you've tried?

Escitalopram. But I've also tried Sertraline and Venlafaxine. No effects whatsoever. And yes, it stopped cold turkey but luckily did not experience any withdrawal symptoms at all. Weird right?
It was a psychiatrist, yes. Apparently there's a high estimated number of adults who suffer from AD(H)D without even knowing. As for myself, it was more of a coincidence. Last year I came across an article about AD(H)D in adults and there was this list of symptoms by the WHO. It was like reading a list of my personal problems and difficulties that I've suffered from for so long. I just immediately knew I had it. And then after lots of tests and an extensive diagnostic procedure they finally confirmed. Bottom line: There's no cure. Medication MIGHT help a little but I'm supposed to accept myself they way I am and learn to deal with it. Like that was so easy. I hate this.

I've been going to therapy for over a year and while it's not completely useless it hasn't helped much either.

 

[schopenh]

Escitalopram. But I've also tried Sertraline and Venlafaxine. No effects whatsoever. And yes, it stopped cold turkey but luckily did not experience any withdrawal symptoms at all. Weird right?
It was a psychiatrist, yes. Apparently there's a high estimated number of adults who suffer from AD(H)D without even knowing. As for myself, it was more of a coincidence. Last year I came across an article about AD(H)D in adults and there was this list of symptoms by the WHO. It was like reading a list of my personal problems and difficulties that I've suffered from for so long. I just immediately knew I had it. And then after lots of tests and an extensive diagnostic procedure they finally confirmed. Bottom line: There's no cure. Medication MIGHT help a little but I'm supposed to accept myself they way I am and learn to deal with it. Like that was so easy. I hate this.

I've been going to therapy for over a year and while it's not completely useless it hasn't helped much either.

I know two people who were on escitalopram. Both were on the minimum dose of 10 mg. Did you take any higher than that?
I've been on venlafaxine myself, all the way up to 150 mg. I was given it for neuropathic pain, though. It didn't help at all and it really made my stable mood go all over the place. If you weren't affected by the medication and also had no withdrawal it's possible you weren't metabolizing it at all. When I take tramadol for example I just feel nauseous and get no pain relief but when I take tapentadol I get good pain relief. They are cousins but are metabolized by different enzymes, apparently I might not have the gene that produces the one for metabolizing tramadol correctly. Sorry if that was condescending or boring to read!
I'm sorry about the ADHD diagnosis. I'm sorry if this comes across as condescending as well, but please be careful witht he meds. They're not very good. I can send you some papers if that interests you. I understand if it doesn't. But at least the conclusions would be a quick read.
I like to talk to people my own age(ish) from around the globe. DM me anytime you feel like!

 

[Morphosis]

I know two people who were on escitalopram. Both were on the minimum dose of 10 mg. Did you take any higher than that?
I've been on venlafaxine myself, all the way up to 150 mg. I was given it for neuropathic pain, though. It didn't help at all and it really made my stable mood go all over the place. If you weren't affected by the medication and also had no withdrawal it's possible you weren't metabolizing it at all. When I take tramadol for example I just feel nauseous and get no pain relief but when I take tapentadol I get good pain relief. They are cousins but are metabolized by different enzymes, apparently I might not have the gene that produces the one for metabolizing tramadol correctly. Sorry if that was condescending or boring to read!
I'm sorry about the ADHD diagnosis. I'm sorry if this comes across as condescending as well, but please be careful witht he meds. They're not very good. I can send you some papers if that interests you. I understand if it doesn't. But at least the conclusions would be a quick read.
I like to talk to people my own age(ish) from around the globe. DM me anytime you feel like!

Wow that's fascinating, I used to take tramadol and it did absolutely nothing, no pain relief or effects at all. I know a few people addicted to it and while I have a very addictive personality and love my opiates, tramadol did nothing for me. Except give me seizures so I stopped them completely. I get dreadful withdrawal from other opiates but didn't get any from tramadol. Interesting that it might be due to genetics.
I've also recently been started on escitalopram 10mg and so far nothing. No benefits, no side effects, zip.

 

[schopenh]

Wow that's fascinating, I used to take tramadol and it did absolutely nothing, no pain relief or effects at all. I know a few people addicted to it and while I have a very addictive personality and love my opiates, tramadol did nothing for me. Except give me seizures so I stopped them completely. I get dreadful withdrawal from other opiates but didn't get any from tramadol. Interesting that it might be due to genetics.
I've also recently been started on escitalopram 10mg and so far nothing. No benefits, no side effects, zip.

I think why you got nothing from both tramadol and escitalopram is that they go through similar pathways. It's all explained here, if you enjoy this stuff: https://www.practicalpainmanagement...logical/opioids/tapentadol-glorified-tramadol
You can skip to "Tapentadol's metabolism" and start on the second paragraph

 

[Morphosis]

I think why you got nothing from both tramadol and escitalopram is that they go through similar pathways. It's all explained here, if you enjoy this stuff: https://www.practicalpainmanagement...logical/opioids/tapentadol-glorified-tramadol
You can skip to "Tapentadol's metabolism" and start on the second paragraph

Brilliant, will check that out, thanks

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I'm always anxious about not fitting in really, and I struggle to deal with people, but when I came here I never really intended to fit in. I just wanted to get suicide info here and complain about my life before promptly dying.

 

[woxihuanni]

Sadly welcome. As for the question, no I didn't worry at all. Only came here to find information, then it was a blessing to make friends. Though, of course, a number of them passed away... And so will I unless something unforeseen happens.

 

[Fedrea]

Because I sure am. I don't know if you guys actually do this "introducing oneself" thing here but here you go:

Hi, I'm new.
I wanna start by saying that my heart goes out to each and every one of you in this forum. How the hell did we end up here? I shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be here, this forum shouldn't even exist in the first place but here we are. What a fucking cruel thing this supposedly beautiful thing called life is. Because that's what I'm being told constantly: "Life is beautiful." Funny, doesn't feel that way at all to me.
I'm 29, I have a eating disorder, ADD + a chronic illness. All three have destroyed my life and now I can add "clinical depression" to that list. I'm currently unemployed and I had to move back to my parents'.
I was bullied, made fun of and marginalized in school. Beat by a family member. Never have had a sense of belonging. I'm so used to being rejected that even in here, I'm scared of not fitting in and being ignored like I've always been. Hence my question.

I feel so worthless. Unworthy. A burden, that's all I am at this point. I'm terrified. I'm just so so terrified. Of everything. And I'm mad. Mad at myself for being sick, mad at life for constantly throwing shit at me meanwhile all I can do is watch my few friends that I have left living a healthy, normal, fulfilling life. I try not to be jealous, I'm honestly happy for them but I'm just so tired of standing on the sidelines and just watching. Fuck this. Fuck all of it.

Anyway, I hope I can have a small family here that I can talk to about how bad I REALLY feel. And to accompany me down the road to freedom and peace when all of this is hopefully over. Nice to meet you all.

You sound very nice wondering if you will fit in! I'm here for support

 

[SpottedPanda]

Welcome to the site!

I've rarely if ever used internet forums, never felt a need to, until I originally joined here to ask a question. I'm usually a mostly passive observer on social media, so it's been nice to put my two cents in on various subjects. If anything, I expected people to be more understanding because of the sensitive topic

 

[disconnection]

Hey @DestinyNight, welcome to the forum.

I wasn't anxious about fitting in here, no. I don't really expect to fit in anywhere. Keeping low expectations seems to be the best course! I have one person here I chat to a lot in pm but otherwise I don't really know people despite posting a fair amount. I have enjoyed the discussions here tho and getting things off my chest.

Relate to loads of what you said there. Chronic mental health problems, in my (later) 30s, about to move back to my mum's to my shame. Never connected much with others, hence the name.

Sorry you're here too but glad you reached out and I hope it helps.

 

[Green Destiny]

Hello there. I felt much like you did when I first joined, that I wouldn't be able to connect or fit in with this forum. But simply give it time and things should become more comfortable for you. I too also have debilitating ailments like Inattentive ADHD, anxiety (In this world we live in who doesn't) and an ulcer that makes eating very difficult. Not to mention that I still live with my mom as someone in their mid 20's. So don't worry too much about fitting in here.

 

[GravityUtilizer]

Nice to meet ya. Yeah that blows having to move back in with parents at 29. Depression is a bitch.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I wasn't nervous about fitting in because I'd lurked the forum for awhile and already felt like it was a good fit -- aligned with my values of non-other-harming self-determination no matter what the issue, and enough caring, compassionate, and knowledgeable people that I felt like I'd get good support, and I'd be able to be supportive to those who wanted to receive what I am capable of offering. Lots of different types of people here, I knew I wouldn't get along with everyone, and not everyone would like me, but I find most groups are like that in life anyway. This community is big enough that there's space for lots of different types of people with various issues, needs, and goals, so even if I don't connect with or can't support someone, there are plenty of others who can and do.

 

[DeathNoot]

I lurked for a long time before joining, even now I write posts/responses but never send them. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. Welcome, and I hope you find a home here :)

 

[red_pen]

not really
i'm so used to "not fitting in" at this point. i mean dgmw it still stings every time, but i'm just...used to the pain.
like 'here it is, another place you can't belong, whatever. cry and keep moving lol'

...but forums in particular are so. easy to exist in. even if you never form little cliques there's nothing to stop you from just replying to threads (as that's how forums work...you aren't expected to receive engagement, only to pour your thoughts out). that's how i see them anyway

 

[MeriDeath]

Not really. When it comes to virtual friends I know I can make some good friendships. It's more in the real world friendships that makes me noxious. But anyways not everyone in here is determined to make friends which is ok and on the other hand there are some people who will always hear what you have to say regardless of when they gonna CTB. Just take it easy and slowly, because let's admit it we are all here for a different purpose.

 

[Giraffey]

Absolutely, I even managed to spark a little fracas when I first joined... I'm an acquired taste, but I guess that comes with being a strong character and being oneself without any superficial social gloss. I can sometimes come across as a self-important arse, a blowhard perhaps, but underneath I'm really very humble and compassionate, just a less-than-optimal communicator on occasions.

All of those fears were playing on my mind when I first joined, I didn't exactly join so that people would like me - but it's nice when people do take a liking to you and want to help and be helped by you, it's a little of the validation I miss in my life away from the screen. At the end of the day though, if you just be yourself and avoid being a puppeteer people-pleaser, then I think that comes across.

I'd rather annoy the hell out of everybody but always speak the truth than be everybody's best friend and have nobody trust a word I say.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

No, but i am now that ive been insulted by many members here in pms