Discussion Were the circumstances which makes you suicidal created by you ? #22

[MeltingBrain]

Would love to hear why you chose the option you did.

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You can find previous polls here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/meltingbrain-all-polls.123887/
Part of : https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...st-at-least-1-poll-daily.123125/#post-2051973
DailyPoll
#22
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[FuneralCry]

No, of course not, I never would have chosen to exist if I had the choice, the ability to exist was just what I was burdened with and I have to pay the price because other people decided to so cruelly force life here.

Existing made me want to die and the true problem for me is existence itself, wanting to die doesn't mean that something is wrong, in fact desiring the eternity of dreamless sleep is just a logical and valid way to feel, existence is harmful, futile and tiresome, it just doesn't appeal to me the thought of decaying from age in an existence I never wished to endure in the first place, this world filled with endless cruelty and suffering repulses me. The reality is that not everyone actually wants to exist and I would personally always see permanent non-existence as being preferable.

 

[nadia225]

I view my cbt as a way to take accountability for my actions and for myself to ultimately accept what it is I cannot change and to see the options in where change could have occurred. Since things outside of my control shaped and put me me in a certain position I cannot possibly juggle being successful by worldly standards and finding myself and over coming my inner ways to actual achieve inner fulfillment, not in this state.

I recognize that I have no purpose in this state and I'm wasting my life force. I feel like to achieve everything I seek I cannot do it here riddled with these attachments that ties me to earth ie trauma, because I ultimately know that more suffering for myself and others would occur very unnecessary.
There's nothing keeping me here to look forward too and get any pleasure out of if I cannot heal myself to experience suffering and contentment and finding balance in both while I'm here…or to just feel at all. Most things that would make others happy and improve just aren't fulfilling to me to anymore no matter how hard I try, and it would never be…just temporary until I die and I'll cause others anguish being content with being a empty shell of what truly lies with in me…that to me is waste of potential and true meaningless existence. But thats the reality that I refuse to create for myself but is inevitable at this point if I don't find a solution soon on how to feel properly and how to heal this deep sorrow within that was ultimately caused by me.

One of which I don't have the support for and nobody has the answers too especially in this climate the world is in to escape from this personal torment and I certainly have no clue as well as don't have the resources to take time to heal and figure it out completely which would take time immense time and return back into society as a functioning person that brings purpose to this existence…and I refused to be trapped within myself running from my own anguish and suffering so what option do I have that I know would at least help solve one of my problems. I don't have the strength anymore. So I guess to exit for this plane of existence is the only thing I am sure can bring a little sense of joy to this world because it's one less suffering soul being entrapped.

 

[Takamagahara]

I'm not sure it matters.

If my unhappiness is my own fault, something of my own creation, then there is something intrinsically broken and un-fixable about me. Despite my massive flaws, I tried to put in the effort to make things work. How else am I supposed to respond when they never do and when I have no reason to believe they ever will? Too often are toxic people wholly incapable of recognizing their own toxicity, and I have become one more name on that list, forever at odds with my own self-sabotaging nature, doomed to kill and be killed by my worst enemy: myself.

And if my unhappiness wasn't my fault, then I never had any power or influence over my own happiness to begin with; such things were always placed in the capricious hands of other people who, in the end, thought nothing of me, and never chose or sought me despite or because of my efforts. How am I to contend with such overwhelming evidence that I will never have a remotely happy future?

Either way, I am unhappy enough to consider suicide as a viable alternative to a continued existence.

 

[busybee]

Had known how to mask who I am earlier thinks would have been easier.

 

[xxpinkmoonglitterxx]

Mostly external causes. I didn't choose to be born. I'd never choose that. But I (like everyone) wasn't given an option. I blame myself for everything because I know I'm just a burden for everyone.

 

[MeltingBrain]

I view my cbt as a way to take accountability for my actions and for myself to ultimately accept what it is I cannot change and to see the options in where change could have occurred. Since things outside of my control shaped and put me me in a certain position I cannot possibly juggle being successful by worldly standards and finding myself and over coming my inner ways to actual achieve inner fulfillment, not in this state.

I recognize that I have no purpose in this state and I'm wasting my life force. I feel like to achieve everything I seek I cannot do it here riddled with these attachments that ties me to earth ie trauma, because I ultimately know that more suffering for myself and others would occur very unnecessary.
There's nothing keeping me here to look forward too and get any pleasure out of if I cannot heal myself to experience suffering and contentment and finding balance in both while I'm here…or to just feel at all. Most things that would make others happy and improve just aren't fulfilling to me to anymore no matter how hard I try, and it would never be…just temporary until I die and I'll cause others anguish being content with being a empty shell of what truly lies with in me…that to me is waste of potential and true meaningless existence. But thats the reality that I refuse to create for myself but is inevitable at this point if I don't find a solution soon on how to feel properly and how to heal this deep sorrow within.

One of which I don't have the support for and nobody has the answers too especially in this climate the world is in to escape from this personal torment and I certainly have no clue as well as don't have the resources to take time to heal and figure it out completely which would take time immense time and return back into society as a functioning person that brings purpose to this existence…and I refused to be trapped within myself running from my own anguish and suffering so what option do I have that I know would at least help solve one of my problems. I don't have the strength anymore. So I guess to exit for this plane of existence is the only thing I am sure can bring a little sense of joy to this world because it's one less suffering soul being entrapped.

An external cause messed you up so much that you have fallen into a deep depression and existential crisis where nothing is enjoyable and nothing to look forward to .
What happened, If you don't mind sharing ?
My DM is also open if you wish to speak about it .

 

[nadia225]

An external cause messed you up so much that you have fallen into a deep depression and existential crisis where nothing is enjoyable and nothing to look forward to .
What happened, If you don't mind sharing ?
My DM is also open if you wish to speak about it .

I mean trauma is an external cause but ultimately it was how I chose to to react to that even and the choices and paths I chose to go down continually that's caused me to feel absolutely nothing within. A feeling that I can't remember not feeling but trying hard to mask and overcome it no matter what but still consciously playing into my self-destruction because of such. I don't blame others for the way I am I mostly blame myself for not choosing right when I knew i was wrong then maybe I could have saved myself…just maybe if I would have listened to the hint of feelings screaming to be recognized and acknowledged instead of trying to mask them then I wouldn't have became voided and programmed to not feel much. All of which was caused by me and my volition. I feel like I entrapped my soul inside a deep box and I can't allow it to get out because I don't resonate with it all it's not a guided force in my nature. It's lost so therefore I am lost as I always have been.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

Lol.

I was doomed from the start. I wanted to get a degree in college for art. I now realize getting a job with art other than as a freelancer is incredibly hard.

Before all that happened I let the people who were mean to me and yelled at me get the better of me. I let it get to my head. Then I became suicidal. I tried to drown myself and the cops stopped me and brought me home. Then I became foolish. I let it get to my head and put my family in jeopardy. I became lazy and foolish. I dropped out of community and refused to get a driver's license.

Years pass and we move. I do the exact same thing and things get worse. I'm still suicidal that has not changed. I've done really bad things with my words to people over years. I don't deserve love and I'm always sorry. But there's a catch with me: I can't stop my behaviors. They take over. I cannot control the bad things I do because I'm so broken. I think of being rude as standing up for myself. It's to the point where sometimes I can't tell right from wrong. I'm a horrible person and do not deserve love.

And even though I try to change I can't change it. This is who I am. I'm meant to hurt people and those I love. This is my destiny.

 

[Kerrtu]

I'm torn between almost entirely external causes and mostly my fault.

Ultimately I wish I hadn't been born.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Born to much older parents and had the worry of their health issues since I was 13 years old, now have barely any family left. Blame myself for all the pain and suffering my grandad, dad and nan went through, and not fighting for them more with the hospital which I hope gets shut down because it's a shit hole that isn't capable of looking after people. Just by existing I've been put into these horrible situations, literally having my dad dying at home and not really knowing what to do. Having him come out of hospital so much worse than he went in and them just leaving us to it-apparently hospice had a waiting list so we couldn't get him in there and carers were due to come the day he died and we had to tell them when they were on the way that he'd just passed. The doctor we rang in the morning decided he didn't sound bad enough to warrant a visit-he had to come out later though to certify him dead. There's me thanking him, when if he'd come out earlier he could've prepared us for what was about to happen and give us some advice.

I'm so scared and traumatised by the responsibility I've had placed on my shoulders which I failed to fulfil because I'm useless and incompetent. I always thought you got help and support in this world when you needed it and I feel so alone, we never got any help. I don't wanna have to deal with death ever again except my own. I'm so done with this bullshit world, seeing the sunset or watching a movie does not make up for watching my dad in agony for months and blaming myself for not being able to take his pain away. I literally feel like I'm in hell and cursed.

 

[hellispink]

I definitely did not choose to be bullied, abused, neglected and rap3d. Definitely external forces. The rest are just the consequences.

 

[notverylucid]

I feel like the way my life has gone and just how I was born, I was destined to be suicidal from either external causes, my own fault, or some admixture of both, just whichever happened to trigger the underlying way I've consistently felt throughout life. Looking back, depending on how I see it, I can see the perspectives of either being the larger contributor. I just wish this cursed existence would end.

 

[404]

honestly i don't really know if my desire to ctb is my fault or others'

a lot of people mistreated me in the past and one of them even said that it's my fault that they treat me horribly

but on the other hand i think that im not trying hard enough to help myself and make friends with other people that's why im very lonely and suicidal

it feels so awful to think about all of this since it never ends im so tired...

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'd say I didn't cause the bad stuff that brought me to this point but I probably could have done a better job at pushing myself to get over things and create a better life for myself. I see that as being optional though! Rather than something I feel obliged to do.

What about you @MeltingBrain? Do you take part in your own polls? It's always fascinating to see what the OP's answer is too.

 

[StolenLife]

Mostly external causes but I messed up too. Other people have done me dirty many times and some of my choices led me to be here. With the environment I had there was no chance that I'd turn out normal but then again I let the bad things define me.

 

[Darkover]

how was i meant to know headphone would cause a brain injury
also lossing the love of my life resulted in so much pain it can't be put into words the amount of years i struggled with that

 

[Lost Magic]

Lost key family members and I have had a rough life. Mental illness played its part too. Some days I want to live and others I want to die. I just don't know anymore. I just don't want to live till really old age. Hell, I never thought I would live this long, but I do miss my mother every day. The pain never goes away. However, what brings me comfort is that she is no longer in pain. She had a helluva tough life herself. I just miss her, is all.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Mostly my fault but also external forces played a role. If I made other decisions in the past I wouldn't be here, I guess.

 

[MeltingBrain]

I'd say I didn't cause the bad stuff that brought me to this point but I probably could have done a better job at pushing myself to get over things and create a better life for myself. I see that as being optional though! Rather than something I feel obliged to do.

You are tired of the 9-5 grind . I believe that's the sole reason you are here .
Hard to bin that one in a category. What did you choose ?

It's always fascinating to see what the OP's answer is too.

I chose the first option because I have a health condition which struck me out of the blue which I had no role in causing .

What about you @MeltingBrain? Do you take part in your own polls?

I always vote and sometimes I give my opinion after a few replies . In the main post I would be influencing people's votes by giving out my one sided opinion .

how was i meant to know headphone would cause a brain injury

It's very random. Impossible to know about something like this . This is the first time I am hearing of this too .
Sending you a lot of strength .

 

[Forever Sleep]

You are tired of the 9-5 grind . I believe that's the sole reason you are here .
Hard to bin that one in a category. What did you choose ?

I chose the first option because I have a health condition which struck me out of the blue which I had no role in causing .

I always vote and sometimes I give my opinion after a few replies . In the main post I would be influencing people's votes by giving out my one sided opinion .

It's very random. Impossible to know about something like this . This is the first time I am hearing of this too .
Sending you a lot of strength .

Hmm- not exactly. My initial my reason for developing ideation was multiple bereavements in childhood and growing up with a (suspected) narcissist. That's where my ideation has it's roots. I agree- I've moved on from that now but that probably greatly influenced what I've become- as it were.

My creative job was always my coping mechanism but- now that that is financially dubious and it's providing me less comfort anyway- I'm certainly floundering at the thought of being pushed back into a wage slave job. (Which I know I'll hate because I already have 10 years prior experience doing them.) That's it in a nutshell though... I've basically become too unhealthily focused on one aspect of life out of using it as a coping mechanism and now that it's failing, it's like I've lost my foundations. And- I'm not terribly willing to build alternative ones. I'd rather CTB to avoid another 9-5 in truth.

But anyhow- I also chose the first option. I didn't choose for 3 of my close family members to die before I was 10 and I didn't choose to grow up with a (suspected) narcissist. Art wasn't the worst coping mechanism I could have chosen. I did my best at dealing with a difficult situation. I've also worked fairly hard at trying to be successful. I haven't done all I should have by any means. I've often let fear get the better of me but- I've still done plenty that challenged and scared me.

I'd also say it wasn't my fault that computers have taken a lot of the jobs in the field I happen to be better at. Maybe I could have chosen a more sensible degree but- maybe they shouldn't run degrees and charge thousands of pounds in tuition fees when they know there aren't that many jobs out there.

I could always have tried harder but I think by my age- a certain cynicism creeps in. The pinnacle jobs in my field can see you working 16 hour days. Do I REALLY even want to work 16 hour days? Probably not! Lol. So- I don't feel responsible for bad luck in childhood and I blame this capitalist society in general for exploiting workers!

I'm so sorry for your situation though. Ill health is the absolute pits. There's absolutely no way I'd want to continue if I was ill. Life's hard enough as it is!

 

[MeltingBrain]

Hmm- not exactly. My initial my reason for developing ideation was multiple bereavements in childhood and growing up with a (suspected) narcissist. That's where my ideation has it's roots.

Oh, I didn't know this part of your life . I know it was a long time ago but sorry for your loss . It's clear that it has left a deep impact on your mind .
Also Fuck that asshole that caused you trouble while growing up.

I'm so sorry for your situation though. Ill health is the absolute pits.

Thank you for recognizing my struggle . There are zero people in the offline world who do . They ask me to look at things in a positive light without offering any real solutions .

 

[Forever Sleep]

Oh, I didn't know this part of your life . I know it was a long time ago but sorry for your loss . It's clear that it has left a deep impact on your mind .
Also Fuck that asshole that caused you trouble while growing up.

Thank you for recognizing my struggle . There are zero people in the offline world who do . They ask me to look at things in a positive light without offering any real solutions .

That's utterly ridiculous- what- so you should feel pleased you're in pain?!! People are crazy! Like- seriously? Most people have experienced at least some pain in their life. Does it really tax their imagination so much to think it might not be that pleasurable to feel like that all the time? My Grandma brought me up initially and she suffered terribly with diverticulitis. She was in pain pretty much every day. It impressed upon me just how awful that would be. I feel so much sympathy for the members here in pain. It's one thing not to allow mentally capable adults a peaceful exit but to deny it to people who are in agony is barbaric.

Thank you for your sympathy also. I can't say all that stuff directly affects me now but I think it's more insiduous than that because our past experiences- especially childhood ones do affect who we become. I guess we can fight to change but it gets to a point where you just get tired of fighting!

 

[BrutalWorldNot4me]

Both.

 

[LittleMissJahi]

i never asked to be born. no one has ever sought, in good nature to help me, unless it suited them. we're sold alcohol and cigarettes, things that could potentially kill someone. and yet, they're all sold legally. most of, if not everyone, is in this world for themselves. and yet, the moment someone chooses to want to end their life, either through announcing it or through some not-so-subtle form of physical action, that's when everyone wants to run and be a hero. that's when everyone wants to care.


what gives anyone the right to stop someone from not wanting to be here on this earth, anymore? why do you think some states have legally assisted suicide now? because at the end of the day, it's my fucking right if i choose to end my life, for whatever reason. and i don't need anyone's permission to do so.

 

[Stuckinpast28]

I'm not really sure how to respond to this. The abuse that my mother lashes at me started the depression, granted the bullying at school also didn't help. However, I kept making bad choices in my life that just sunk me deeper into the abyss of depression.

 

[LostFuture.]

It's like a video game where you just give up and say, "this is too difficult, is there an option to tone down the difficulty?" Humans weren't designed to deal with the ridiculous complexity, isolation and suffering of this late capitalist hellscape, and it's only going to get worse as inequality, climate change and world war kick in. And yet we are supposed to work to the grave in this world?

They want to keep us alive, yet they don't want to provide the conditions that make us want to do so

That coupled with enduring family and personal struggles have led me to this site and this point.