Venting went to a doctor yesterday

[Remy_is_tired]

couldn't even tell him i wanted to ctb. god why cant i tell anyone i just start crying. lord im so pathetic just take me god please im so tired

theres no point i need to slit my throat

 

[timf]

Sometimes people can have a sort of crippling anxiety that prevents them from speaking. In these cases people may still be able to write. You might prepare something written and hand it to the doctor next time.

It may be possible that anxiety can be worsened if someone does not have some control over their life. If this is the case, it might be helpful to start with giving yourself an hour a week where you do something for yourself that you enjoy and see yourself as having control.

 

[ScaredCutter]

thats ok, i struggle with opening up myself, its hard to share and speak what u want someone to know. this struggle doesnt mean ur pathetic, there may be something stopping u from saying it but thats ok. like what timf said, people may still be able to write, u can even send emails, messages or prepare urself for what u want to say (in any form of communication that works for u). never feel ashamed of urself because of this. it could even take a while to able to say it too and thats very much ok.
in my pov i think its pretty normal to hold back on what u may open up about to a professional, even if u feel ready but ur unable to open ur mouth. u dont have to look at this situation as a fail or a poor attempt, u did ur best.

 

[orpheus_]

You're not pathetic, many people experience this anxiety. Opening up to someone, especially pretty much a stranger, can be very hard.

I also experienced it, I could never tell anyone about it. Friends, therapists, doctors. It was just like something took away my ability to talk when I wanted to say anything.
The first time I ever did tell a doctor about it, it was only because I was directly asked if I have thoughts about death. Well a simple yes or no is easier to say than explaining the whole thing. Still very hard, though.

What I can suggest that may help you:
- if you have someone close to you (friend/family member) who can come to the appointment with you, you can ask them to tell the doctor that they know about your suicidal ideation
- you can suggest that you don't really see a future for yourself,
Basically lead to a situation when the doctor asks more directly. Maybe that will be easier. Other than that you can write it, like others said.

Good luck, I believe you can try to get help again.