Went from having a secure future to being virtually unemployed in a week. Not seeing any other way out of this

[UnemployedMD]

Honestly, he should have went that way in the first place. A principal researcher for a major pharmaceutical company makes about the same as a medical doctor. No residency, and maybe 1/4 of the education costs.

Then you can always supplement your income teaching at a university as an adjunct.

Too late to go back. I am now just stuck and coming up with a plan forward has been the most confusing existential crisis I or anyone I know has ever experienced.

 

[summers]

Too late to go back. I am now just stuck and coming up with a plan forward has been the most confusing existential crisis I or anyone I know has ever experienced.

It is a totally WTF situation. Like you said, you spent probably $300-400k, years of your life, and are in a kind-of non-transferable field. Additionally, it's not like we don't need more doctors. I hope things work out for you.

This would obviously be a big step down, but could you work in sports medicine temporarily? That might create inroads for future employment in some kind of athletic organization.

 

[UnemployedMD]

It is a totally WTF situation. Like you said, you spent probably $300-400k, years of your life, and are in a kind-of non-transferable field. Additionally, it's not like we don't need more doctors. I hope things work out for you.

This would obviously be a big step down, but could you work in sports medicine temporarily? That might create inroads for future employment in some kind of athletic organization.

There is basically nothing I can do other than reapply next year (with lesser chances being removed from clinical medicine). This is the option everyone is pushing me towards if I can't miraculously secure an outside position over the next couple of months. Everything else requires you to go back to school and pay for additional years to literally be demoted to working a job I could have got after finishing college with 1/100th as much stress that has been put on me to this point.

Can also switch fields completely which I know I won't be able to handle psychologically for the rest of my life.

Money is not an issue here. It can't buy happiness nor can it save any of you any more than it can save me. I am admittedly rich, and even after having my family pay my tuition all this time, I still have enough money in my savings alone (even though I haven't ever made a dime working a job since my entire life to this point has been education) to buy a house in a remote area of my country, and live a frugal life for the next 10 years or so. Of course I know I would be miserable doing that so that is no option.

And of course I can ctb and leave whatever finances I have to my my parents and allow them to have back at least a partial reimbursement of their failed investments in me. It even makes me sad a little that it's coming to this this and that even after a week and a half, it still feels like the best option

I know I've said this many times but I really can't get over how close I was and how good my chances were according to stats going back nearly 15 years. All for it to come down to (mainly) bad luck from a computerized algorithm.

I do admittedly tend to have a somewhat rigid way of thinking and don't usually see creative options as viable paths even at my baseline. But the pessimistic and bitter state (essentially nothing short of an existential crisis) I am now in is only compounding the problem and is making coping all that more difficult since I am so distrustful of others after feeling so screwed over that it's almost like I can't even accept help people in my circles are trying to offer me.

 

[UnemployedMD]

I'm not usually a very superstitious person, but as I sit here pondering what to do, I remembered a time from years ago on vacation in Europe when a gypsy palm reader hustled me into giving me a fortune. Somehow he knew without me even telling him that I was on a medical career path (I was a premed in college at the time). And he basically told me (I can't remember what exactly he said) that I would have all kinds of trouble ahead of me in the future. The last thing he said was something along the lines of it working out and me having a good future, family, etc but I honestly wonder if he just made that last part up to not make me feel badly. I usually don't pay much attention to things like this but just made me wonder if this whole thing I've been going through (and have been dealing with for many years) is that prophecy coming true or if these people are just all scam artists.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

When I was a child I never would have imagined ctb as a way out. Probably the first time the thought even crossed my head was when I was a premed when stress would get high but it would pass quickly and never really change my course. When I got to medical school is when the thoughts became more serious. Still nothing I have ever acted on though I was close about two years ago. Nothing has pushed me closer to it than where I am now. (studies have shown roughly 1/3 of medical students admit to having have thoughts of ctb in this country, WITHOUT having gone through the trauma I experienced last week). It's not like I am reacting emotionally and rash to something fresh. I mean to an extent I am, but the way I feel now is not an unfamiliar feeling and I just feel like I have reached the end with what I have left. I know I can try again, the odds as I said only going to down from here, and if I have to do any of the humiliating things I am expected to do over the next year to get out of this, and still end up with nothing, I will just kill myself then in an even more exhausted and broken place than I am in now. People are telling me that you can get a spot next year, do things to boost your application, etc. Perhaps it is not a fair analogy but I feel like hearing this is essentially like telling someone with a 50/50 cancer prognosis about some research study they can be in, their chemo options, etc just to make them feel better and keep fighting. Honestly I would rather prefer this scenario because at least if things don't work out there, the universe will just take care of the rest for you and put an end to your suffering.

Yes I know that bad and unpredictable things happen to people sometimes, but damn I wish a truck could have just hit me last Sunday night instead as opposed to this.

I have dealt with severely mentally ill people before in one of the most destitute and poverty stricken regions of my country. Many of them frankly have almost no hope at all (severe drug abuse, criminal tendencies, zero resources, on top of a system that has REALLY given up on them the likes of which I probably don't understand) but I have learned a lot from them in realizing how unfair the world is and how we are not all born equally even if that's what we are taught in elementary school. Obviously if I walked into a hospital and interviewed myself, I would order myself involuntarily admitted to the inpatient psych unit as is the protocol when anyone expresses a verbal or written intention of ctb (especially if a plan is in place or they have access to firearms). LOL I never would have bought so many guns over the years had I known I was this out of mind. I seriously didn't know up until last week. It is a ironic though that I was literally an inch away from becoming a psych doctor and am now acting like nothing short of a psych inpatient. It's particularly distressing because I feel like I am aware enough to actually see what it going on here with my psych falling apart. Every person has a limit that can bring them to this point. I actually think I am pretty strong for making it this far. I really don't think there is any (at least major) underlying psychological disorder that is holding me back here. It is all situational/environmental and there is no pill or therapy that can fix that for me. I honestly have not been driven to tears over something since I was a child. Even deaths in my immediate family couldn't bring me to that as that has all made sense. What has happened to me really feels like it doesn't.

I understand how frustrating that might be. Try to understand that most people on here are not doctors. Many of us have never known a doctor or medical student on a personal level. So they can only speak from their own experiences.

Honestly though even if you don't feel this is a result of mental illness, you should still get treatment. Sometimes this kinda thing only becomes a problem when really shitty things happen. it sounds like that's what you're experiencing. You seem to have little capacity to handle these situations, because so far your life has always gone according to plan, and you've based your entire self-worth upon this one thing. You weren't prepared, plus your self-perception is warped, so you're having an extreme reaction. Do you not have anything else going on in your life besides medicine? Did your parents only have doctor friends and sent you to a children-of-doctors elementary school? You have barely lived life my dude. You've never even flipped burgers at McDonald's. what do you mean there's no other options for you? What is seriously holding you back besides your own desire to stick to medicine or bust? You have no loans, no obligation to your children or spouse, no contracts to hold up. Mental illness will sometimes make you think up irrational solutions that make perfect sense only to you.

what's the worse that could happen if you get help now? You are aware that you're falling apart a little, you could put up enough of a front that you would be able to avoid getting sectioned. If you have even a sliver of hope left, any hope that you could do absolutely anything else with your life, even working at a Wal-Mart like millions of smart, hard-working, happy, and healthy people already do, then you need to do something now. Otherwise you could easily end up like the rest of us on SS, dead or a living-dead person on disability for severe mental illness or as a NEET, truly without hope and only waiting for your SN or N or helium tank to come in. Or for the courage to pull the trigger. Then you'll really be living out that "failure" and "hopeless" life that you believe you have now.

Remember, if you ctb now, you will die as an unplaced medical student, the problems you had when you died will be the ones that people remember you by. You wont be able to suffer from them anymore, but you won't exactly feel relief or freedom either. You'll just be dead.

Even if it doesn't feel like a rash decision, from an outside perspective you are making resolves dangerously close to a traumatic event. Think it through, let the shock and pain from this all settle down fully. It's still fresh in your mind now. You'll always have this site to come back to and plan things out, ultimately it's your choice, you have the right to ctb even if your life is butterflies and rainbows. But I firmly believe that it's not over for you yet, maybe hear out that gypsy and see what's in store in the near future.

 

[Celerity]

Please don't do it. I don't understand all of your situation. I know you must feel extremely humiliated and disappointed right now, but that won't last forever. In another year when you match, it won't matter. None of your patients will know. Take the year off to travel or do fuck all. With someone as smart and talented as you, we can't afford to lose you. I'm sorry the medical training in our country is such a hyper-competitive crapshoot.

My parents have had very smooth lives. Occasional hiccups along the way like everyone but nothing ever major or even close to what I am dealing with. They came from middle class backgrounds themselves, but both excelled rapidly at their academic pursuits, trained at super elite institutions and performed better than I could have ever done. Even when they are seemingly in trouble THEY ALWAYS find a way out of it. I feel like I just have some curse on my life that prevents me from getting anything done even when I am inches away. I know it sounds ridiculous but sometimes it seems like the universe is just playing a joke on me. Most kids are supposed to do at least the same or better than their parents. Even though my parents assure me they don't feel this way, I know going to the shittier medical school I did and now having this failed job search process on my record means they just look down at me as a source of embarrassment.

I wouldn't say most do the same or as good as their parents. My cousins are drug addicted. Their parents live off the state but aren't drug addicts.

 

[UnemployedMD]

Please don't do it. I don't understand all of your situation. I know you must feel extremely humiliated and disappointed right now, but that won't last forever. In another year when you match, it won't matter. None of your patients will know. Take the year off to travel or do fuck all. With someone as smart and talented as you, we can't afford to lose you. I'm sorry the medical training in our country is such a hyper-competitive crapshoot.

I wouldn't say most do the same or as good as their parents. My cousins are drug addicted. Their parents live off the state but aren't drug addicts.

There are plenty of people in my family who are essentially NEETs (just found out what this meant this week). People who have done nothing with their lives and have essentially become "wasteoids" who do little other than sponge off of other's generosity jumping from one dead end gig to another. The only difference is, the expectations on them weren't high to begin with and they are somewhat happy living this kind of life because they were never under this kind of pressure (in some ways I am actually envious of them at this point). Everything I have done since I was essentially 12 years old has been to prevent myself from becoming one of these people and I don't have the ability to live with doing anything else (especially something else that is considered "midlevel" in healthcare) after almost clenching the prize I have been after for so long and now losing it due to something completely out of my control. It is a complex and multilayered thing the likes of which would be too verbose to get into here. But that is precisely what is sort of driving me down into this spiral. I am eligible to train as a doctor and all of my knowledge with the exception of my undergraduate degree in one of the "hard" sciences is geared towards that. Which isn't something I can bring myself to revert back to doing either since I've spent 5 years of being absolutely miserable working up to this next level. I feel so cheated, abused, and utterly alone and it's not a position I think I can stand being in for much longer. It hasn't even been 2 weeks and to think I need to live in this state of panic and uncertainty for (at least) another year makes me almost feel like passing out.

 

[Celerity]

There are plenty of people in my family who are essentially NEETs (just found out what this meant this week). People who have done nothing with their lives and have essentially become "wasteoids" who do little other than sponge off of other's generosity jumping from one dead end gig to another. The only difference is, the expectations on them weren't high to begin with and they are somewhat happy living this kind of life because they were never under this kind of pressure (in some ways I am actually envious of them at this point). Everything I have done since I was essentially 12 years old has been to prevent myself from becoming one of these people and I don't have the ability to live with doing anything else (especially something else that is considered "midlevel" in healthcare) after almost clenching the prize I have been after for so long and now losing it due to something completely out of my control. It is a complex and multilayered thing the likes of which would be too verbose to get into here. But that is precisely what is sort of driving me down into this spiral. I am eligible to train as a doctor and all of my knowledge with the exception of my undergraduate degree in one of the "hard" sciences is geared towards that. Which isn't something I can bring myself to revert back to doing either since I've spent 5 years of being absolutely miserable working up to this next level. I feel so cheated, abused, and utterly alone and it's not a position I think I can stand being in for much longer. It hasn't even been 2 weeks and to think I need to live in this state of panic and uncertainty for (at least) another year makes me almost feel like passing out.

Do you have anything to take the edge off? I've had some success with Quetiapine, though the side effects are no joke (as you are probably aware).

 

[UnemployedMD]

Do you have anything to take the edge off? I've had some success with Quetiapine, though the side effects are no joke (as you are probably aware).

Yes I have easy access to (almost) every controlled substance known to mankind. But quetiapine is an antipsychotic! I really hope I'm not at that stage yet since my thought patterns are all still linear and at least somewhat logical. The actual sedating qualities of quetiapine are actually a mere side effect that can help MDD but I definitely wouldn't go there as first option.

I've been taking valium or ambien every other night (can't do it all the time since I'll build tolerance fast). And am switching that up with over the counter sleep aides (melatonin, diphenhydramine) to make sure I don't build that tolerance and can no longer sleep. I also have been using THC edibles a few times a week to keep me calm and increase my appetite since that is basically nonexistent at this point (usually would do this only once or twice a month). Was really nervous how this would make me feel under these circumstance as its effects are typically very closely related to whatever mood you are in but interestingly it has been actually making me feel better and more level headed about how to handle this situation. Of course again, this can't be done frequently and even taking 10mg twice a week is building my tolerance fast and resulting in a much lower high than usual.

And of course I have my cigarettes, casinos, fast food, women, and all the other unhealthy vices I've acquired over the years of being at this stress level to help pull me through.

Used to rely on alcohol too occasionally to get me through stressful circumstances, but I've enough rationality at this point going off of how it has effected me in the past (during times not even close to as bad as now) to know I should stay very very far away from it. I tend to drink excessively when brought to places like this, get emotional, blackout, and wake up with a day long hangover, stomach ache, and overall feeling even worse than I did before.

 

[UnemployedMD]

Update: I managed to secure a residency spot this year and consequently am no longer in ctb territory. It was a nerve-wracking year and I reached too many rock bottoms to even describe. From becoming a full-blown alcoholic, to running away to Vegas, to nearly destroying my relationship with my entire family. I had a plan ready to ctb last week had I gotten bad news and am very lucky it didn't come to that.

This last week has felt akin to coming out of a coma, but I wanted to thank you all for your kind words of support and for the very existence of this site. It has gotten me through a year of absolute hell and I truly cannot express my gratitude to all of you for helping me push through this.

There aren't a lot of positives I can see yet out of this year, but I hope it ends up making me a more compassionate and understanding physician in the future.

 

[summers]

Update: I managed to secure a residency spot this year and consequently am no longer in ctb territory.

Congratulations! I know you still have a lot of things on your plate, but I hope this will allow you to pursue your dreams. Considering what you've gone through. I think you'll have much more empathy than your average md. The world needs more people like you.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Congrats! I really appreciate your coming back and updating. It's great to see that something turned out well for someone.

 

[whywere]

I 100% agree with @threesummers and @Cathy Ames as far as CONGRATS! Having had a lot of issues since my car crash, I can attest to the aspect of a good medical staff. You are going to be a really good doctor!

All my best to you.

Walter

 

[downndone2]

I would appeal. Can you contact the facilities you applied at as well? Can you interview with other facilities. Certainly there is some way to get this reversed.
Please explore ALL your options

 

[Secrets1]

I've read through the thread and want to say I'm rooting for your success really hard man!! From everything I've read you completely deserve the future you want.