Wen you noticed u wanted to die?

[submarinedownsea]

IV been asking myself this; wen u notice you want to die? I want to hear u guys

 

[lamy's sacred sleep]

august last year

 

[Lyn]

Long ago. When I was 16, I guess.

 

[brokenspirited]

It was such a long time ago I can't even remember when I first began wishing to end my pointless and terrible existence. Everything started going downhill from that moment.

 

[ALonelyFreak]

I prolly was 7 or so idk but back then ofc I didn't know what death actually was

 

[Moniker]

I was about nine years old.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

For me it was when I was about 9. My mom had an abortion and somehow I found out. I seriously asked her why she didn't abort me. I think that would have been the best choice.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Well I thought I started young. But I didn't really flip the switch until ptsd. Idk really what, or how that happened, but I couldn't be on earth anymore. Unfortunately I made some noise, and I was stopped. I'm kinda on the fence now. Events have happened that have made a potential suicide even more difficult. Things I don't want to explain. But nor does the idea of suicide leave my mind. I am doing a little more with myself these days .

 

[kopebaldy]

Around highschool.

Stupid, weird, incompetent, loser. Didn't feel like I belong anywhere.

Life just doesn't seem like it's worth living. So much hardship for such meager reward.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've always wished to permanently cease existing as existence is the problem, I see it as the most dreadful, torturous abomination to exist, for me non-existence is just all that's positive and is all that's desirable.

I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer so unnecessarily in this existence I always saw as a mistake, I'm always so tired of being burdened with this existence and I find it the most terrible, dreadful tragedy how this existence was even imposed causing and bringing all this harm and suffering as a result, all I want is to be gone, I just hope and wish to never suffer ever again, I find it so terrifying how one can exist for so long just to die in agony tortured by old age with no limit as to how much one can suffer.

 

[iamnotadinosaur:(]

I sort of remembered/realized that suicide was an actual option at 12, but I wasn't actively suicidal until maybe 13 or so

 

[Hi_I_am_Dead_Weight]

I realized it when I was around 14 to 16, which is when I started feeling wary this "life" game, this suffering, it wasn't just depression, I didn't like this endless demand for sacrifice. but of course, I had contemplations about my own death much earlier, as a little kid, and it felt very comforting, but never as a tangible "option".
At 18, things became more concrete and every year alive after that is due to convenience and procrastination.

 

[EternalHunger]

As long as I can remember, not unusual given my circumstances.

 

[dogwolfybark]

My entire life, But recently It's gotten unbearable. A very strong event triggered It and I'm just waiting for it all to end. It's
hard waiting.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I've been wanting to die on and off since 18 years old and I am 56 now. But I really want to die now because I am old with nothing to look forward to anymore but aging and illness.

 

[Lady_V]

13. 1st time I was hospitalized, too.

 

[Jisatsu]

The Summer of 2009.

 

[terribleson15]

IV been asking myself this; wen u notice you want to die? I want to hear u guys

Jeez I think I was like 12 tbh

 

[MyShadow]

I've been wanting to die on and off since 18 years old and I am 56 now. But I really want to die now because I am old with nothing to look forward to anymore but aging and illness.

I completely understand this. We are the same age and I too fear getting older, especially here and now in the US.

 

[PI3.14]

Since 2018. I however only started planning seriously the last few months, I knew early this year that this year is the year I die.

 

[MyShadow]

I have dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 10 years old, thanks to a traumatic childhood full of abuse of every kind. This was compounded by neglecting to get a proper diagnosis and treatment because healthcare and insurance is largely unaffordable in the US. Proper mental healthcare is even less affordable and many programs simply aren't covered by insurance.
But this past year really sealed my fate. So much loss. So much pain. So many setbacks. I am also watching my country being torn apart as the current administration's policy to completely destroy democracy.

I am alone and don't have the energy to try to find a way to cope through it all. I want the freedom to end my suffering at my own hand and this needs to happen soon.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

(…)
Since I'm 11. I dont remember exactly the day.

Try to take it with 13 the first time, then with 16 and now I'm 18 and I still have phases.

I don't think many people understand how difficult it is to live with these thoughts for so long. I know everyone here understands what it's like to live with them, but some of them not as long as I have. I have severe borderline personality disorder with bipolar disorder, and it developed over years into a simple cycle of survival.

Never wanted to life, still dont want to but… maybe I do?
(…)

 

[InTheAbyss]

I knew when I was 7. Although it was only after I failed my first attempt that I knew.

 

[trashisland]

first felt like it when I was 8 or so. thats super young, but I grew up with a horrible family and I never knew a moment of peace so I was constantly hurting. but I first seriously considered it and almost went through with it when I was 15

 

[tercermundista]

I think I realized it in 2006, when I was 15. The suicidal ideation may have started soon after, but I'm sure something changed dramatically in my head that year; it's as if the veil on what life really is had been lifted.

 

[azad]

In 2015 when I was 15. Failing in basic math made me realize that I have some mental disability.

 

[Archness]

Since I guess later in high school was when I started to be honest with the kind of darkness that was overcoming me. Not really, outright suicidal, but, more of a passive nihilism. I was only really suicidal post-covid; at that point I just felt it was quite obvious I was doomed to an empty and meaningless existence until I just dropped dead and nobody cares. But I guess said passive-nihilism, that would continue to grow to that point, had it's very start some time in middle school.

So I guess you could say I noticed post-covid, though I was still distracting myself as much as possible from this darkness until I've heard news of Canada's MAID program, then this forum from Tentacrul. Until then, I just focused on completely ignoring and negating this despair, but thanks to this forum, I saw that there where alternate ways to process this darkness, then the modern psychological/gaslighting/drugging approach that society pushes, as effectively the only way, that I continue to feel is incompatible with how I am and the simple reality of this world I'm in.

But again, if you want the "Root Cause", I'd have to say it's due to the way I was born, being autistic, and this completely fucked world that's getting hard on normies let alone someone like myself.

 

[capi]

honestly its hard to say. I mean when I was 7 I wanted to die, but then decided maybe i can cryofreeze myself instead (oh my poor baby mind :( ..
But ever since I could talk I always wanted in a sense, to "go away." I kept asking my mom to go home over and over again even though I was home.

When I got older I kind of just dissociated through all pain and thought so I dont really know, but at least for the past five years its been apparent. I just haven't had the resources