well that was my last bit of hope

[kunikuzushi]

hahahahaha last time I posted here I had some hope for fixing my life because I was working really hard on making friends and not isolating myself anymore. well fuck that. I didn't have any hope for ever finding anyone again. I just got out of a terrible relationship. but a few months ago, I met someone who actually prioritized me and I prioritized them too. we had a lot of fun together and I had hope in life for once in years. we talked every day. I literally had hope. well today everything crashed and burned because I guess I'm just not a great person to be around. my mental problems make me too unrelatable. I don't know why he even talked to me for this long.

I can't believe I let myself have hope. I was fine being numb and ready for death the past few years. but this hurts. I'm sure this is the last time I'll let myself feel happy again. I have to stop this. nothing will ever get better. even if it does, it will get ripped away and you'll feel a million times worse than if you didn't have it.

 

[Fwompje]

It really hurts when people leave when your problems are "too much" when you just want to feel loved and understood. Things will get bad, then they'll get good again just to turn bad later... It does feel endless.

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

contrary to popular belief, shit does get better! one day your hedonism meter will jump up to zero suddenly and stay there until the end of time. and the cool thing is you can choose WHEN that happens :)

 

[Sulyya]

Difficult not to get expectations high when we see some small chance. Especially when down in a hole. Then high expectations make each setback worse.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's true that hope is a delusion to just eventually lead to more torment. Life really is so undeniably cruel and there is no real relief from suffering in this world.

 

[BBBB]

hahahahaha last time I posted here I had some hope for fixing my life because I was working really hard on making friends and not isolating myself anymore. well fuck that. I didn't have any hope for ever finding anyone again. I just got out of a terrible relationship. but a few months ago, I met someone who actually prioritized me and I prioritized them too. we had a lot of fun together and I had hope in life for once in years. we talked every day. I literally had hope. well today everything crashed and burned because I guess I'm just not a great person to be around. my mental problems make me too unrelatable. I don't know why he even talked to me for this long.

I can't believe I let myself have hope. I was fine being numb and ready for death the past few years. but this hurts. I'm sure this is the last time I'll let myself feel happy again. I have to stop this. nothing will ever get better. even if it does, it will get ripped away and you'll feel a million times worse than if you didn't have it.

You just described my life/issues to the T!!!!! I can, 100%, relate to your posting!!!!!!!!!

 

[AllMyDreams]

hahahahaha last time I posted here I had some hope for fixing my life because I was working really hard on making friends and not isolating myself anymore. well fuck that. I didn't have any hope for ever finding anyone again. I just got out of a terrible relationship. but a few months ago, I met someone who actually prioritized me and I prioritized them too. we had a lot of fun together and I had hope in life for once in years. we talked every day. I literally had hope. well today everything crashed and burned because I guess I'm just not a great person to be around. my mental problems make me too unrelatable. I don't know why he even talked to me for this long.

I can't believe I let myself have hope. I was fine being numb and ready for death the past few years. but this hurts. I'm sure this is the last time I'll let myself feel happy again. I have to stop this. nothing will ever get better. even if it does, it will get ripped away and you'll feel a million times worse than if you didn't have it.

You sound like me a few years ago... I never had many friends and then I got a bf. Thought it'd solve all my problems. Then I became obsessive, stalked him, called him 100x in a day, and threatened to kill myself if he didn't reply to texts. After that I legit didn't think I'd ever have friends or a relationship again. Right now three years later I have like 2 friends at least. Am still not in a relationship but I feel stable enough to be in one.

If you're young you still have opportunities to get better, but I totally get how you're feeling. It's a fact of life that there are shitty people out there. I'd advise to try focusing less on relationships and more on building yourself up. Take a break from trying to find love and ask what you can do for yourself to expand your horizons and get more stable. Once you can live happily on your own, and can show that to others, good people will be attracted to you, and want to be around you. But if you're completely dependent, the chances of finding a partner who genuinely cares for you go down.

First love yourself, then you can love someone else.

 

[kunikuzushi]

You just described my life/issues to the T!!!!! I can, 100%, relate to your posting!!!!!!!!!

hell yea!!!! not a good thing to relate but it's sometimes comforting to know you're not alone. I hope you feel at least a little better soon, enough to cope.

 

[Ken Ough]

I have the exact situation with my roommate who I wanted to consider my first friend. Still can't let the thoughts go, probably because he's still my roommate and it irks me to see him inviting his new friend to our flat.
No person can bear being close to me for more than 4 months. It's like society telling me I'm only good enough for mental asylum patients.
You can get fine without other people when you have a job or college major you like (and vice versa). Too bad it is usually never the case.

 

[houseofleaves]

contrary to popular belief, shit does get better! one day your hedonism meter will jump up to zero suddenly and stay there until the end of time. and the cool thing is you can choose WHEN that happens :)

erm… can i help you sir…

 

[kunikuzushi]

You sound like me a few years ago... I never had many friends and then I got a bf. Thought it'd solve all my problems. Then I became obsessive, stalked him, called him 100x in a day, and threatened to kill myself if he didn't reply to texts. After that I legit didn't think I'd ever have friends or a relationship again. Right now three years later I have like 2 friends at least. Am still not in a relationship but I feel stable enough to be in one.

If you're young you still have opportunities to get better, but I totally get how you're feeling. It's a fact of life that there are shitty people out there. I'd advise to try focusing less on relationships and more on building yourself up. Take a break from trying to find love and ask what you can do for yourself to expand your horizons and get more stable. Once you can live happily on your own, and can show that to others, good people will be attracted to you, and want to be around you. But if you're completely dependent, the chances of finding a partner who genuinely cares for you go down.

First love yourself, then you can love someone else.

Thank you for the advice. It's not really like this. I'm not young. I've been in three serious long term relationships. I've worked on myself a lot after each one because I displayed similar behaviors that you described. I didn't plan on ever being in a relationship again because it causes me and the other person too much pain. But the isolation had been too much to bear, so I tried to make healthy friendships, and I did. I wasn't trying to be dependent on this person. It's just human nature to want someone to be with you through life.

I won't focus on myself or trying to love myself or improving my life anymore. I've been severely depressed since I was born. This life wasn't meant for me.

 

[AllMyDreams]

Thank you for the advice. It's not really like this. I'm not young. I've been in three serious long term relationships. I've worked on myself a lot after each one because I displayed similar behaviors that you described. I didn't plan on ever being in a relationship again because it causes me and the other person too much pain. But the isolation had been too much to bear, so I tried to make healthy friendships, and I did. I wasn't trying to be dependent on this person. It's just human nature to want someone to be with you through life.

I won't focus on myself or trying to love myself or improving my life anymore. I've been severely depressed since I was born. This life wasn't meant for me.

I'm sorry to hear... appreciate you being honest though. It must have taken a lot to get through and not give up as long as you have... I'm assuming you've sought professional help, too, right? Did that not work out?

 

[kunikuzushi]

I'm sorry to hear... appreciate you being honest though. It must have taken a lot to get through and not give up as long as you have... I'm assuming you've sought professional help, too, right? Did that not work out?

Thanks, I have no idea how I got through it this long. I have tried getting professional help, and no one was really knowledgeable about personality disorders so they couldn't give me the help I wanted. My inability to form healthy connections with people is what's really making living painful. I could try again to get help, but I'm so tired. Thanks again.

 

[AllMyDreams]

Thanks, I have no idea how I got through it this long. I have tried getting professional help, and no one was really knowledgeable about personality disorders so they couldn't give me the help I wanted. My inability to form healthy connections with people is what's really making living painful. I could try again to get help, but I'm so tired. Thanks again.

Completely get it. I'm surprised nobody you talked to was knowledgeable about personality disorders though... that's kind of what psychologists/therapists are supposed to know about. If you need help finding someone near where you live, send me a message!

 

[kunikuzushi]

Completely get it. I'm surprised nobody you talked to was knowledgeable about personality disorders though... that's kind of what psychologists/therapists are supposed to know about. If you need help finding someone near where you live, send me a message!

yeah I don't really understand why most therapists here have only surface level knowledge of personality disorders. that or some have outright refused to diagnose me because of the stigma. like dude you're making the stigma worse. and diagnosis helps a lot to have a clear path to recovery. but anyway thanks for the help! I might try to find someone else in a few weeks and I'll let you know if I need some tips finding someone. thanks