Venting Well, my plan changed

[coinflip]

I was consistently miserable for so long. I bought a revolver. I had a time frame in mind with a specific criteria attached to it. I was comfortable with the idea of death.

And then it felt like one random day I was just... fine. Not good. But fine. I don't feel like I'm basking in my misery anymore.

...and that's annoying as shit. I may have been miserable before, but I was confident I knew how I felt. I knew what I wanted (death), and I could plan that. Now I'm just in this weird in between state where I don't presently feel the need to die, but I'm still already beyond my fear of death so I'm still open to CTB when I feel like it again. Meanwhile I'll only live a half-life where I distance myself from the people I'm closest to, try to make new friends from scratch but avoid getting too close to them, and where I don't have the drive to have any sort of ambitions or long-term goal.

 

[momento.mori]

I was consistently miserable for so long. I bought a revolver. I had a time frame in mind with a specific criteria attached to it. I was comfortable with the idea of death.

And then it felt like one random day I was just... fine. Not good. But fine. I don't feel like I'm basking in my misery anymore.

...and that's annoying as shit. I may have been miserable before, but I was confident I knew how I felt. I knew what I wanted (death), and I could plan that. Now I'm just in this weird in between state where I don't presently feel the need to die, but I'm still already beyond my fear of death so I'm still open to CTB when I feel like it again. Meanwhile I'll only live a half-life where I distance myself from the people I'm closest to, try to make new friends from scratch but avoid getting too close to them, and where I don't have the drive to have any sort of ambitions or long-term goal.

Sounds like you've made peace with your decision to continue living. I'm at that point too, do I completely understand. Did you have something happen that made you come to this decision?

 

[coinflip]

Sounds like you've made peace with your decision to continue living. I'm at that point too, do I completely understand. Did you have something happen that made you come to this decision?

It felt sudden to me, out of the blue. But looking back I saw a few things that happened back-to-back and may have lead to this. First, it occurred shortly after I had 3 back-to-back days where I socialized with people, so I assume that had something to do with it and made me feel better subconsciously. Specifically, I've found a group of people that I feel relatively comfortable around, which I was lacking for a while.

Second, there's a 13-year-old kid in my life that I interact with weekly (I'm in my late 20s but teach him English) and his mom reached out and told me she was recently talking to him and he told her that he was like "Why do you even still take me to my therapist? I feel like talking to coinflip is the same thing." and she said that he feels like I treat him like an equal and he just gets along well with me. So that made me feel sentimental despite myself.

Lastly and most importantly, I have decided that my ex-wife was only ever settling for me as a partner and that she feels like she's too good for me. This doesn't sound like something that should make me feel better, but it does. I hurt her and betrayed her, and I felt awful about that, but now I don't feel like it's entirely my fault. There were always signs that she felt better than me, and I don't even blame her for feeling better than me, I just hate that we made that commitment together and that I had this skewed perception of our relationship for so long.