Venting Well, I guess this is it. Goodbye post.

[LateForTheBus]

I'm so sorry that life has been so cruel and brought you to this point. I truly hope that you are able to leave this world with as much peace and as little pain as possible. ((Hugs))

 

[endofafoxtwo]

Heres what happened:
I got a bit lost omw out of thr city, couldn't find the despensary til it was closed and none of the free wifi places were working. I decided to go out anyway. After about 3 hours of walking (I originally planned several days) I accidentally stepped on a false floor and flooded my boots and clothes with marshwater. Not wanting to die of exposure, (hate being soggy) I had to stop and camp for the night.
Bushcraft is (sadly?) one of my favourite activities. By the time I had a big fire going, my clothes on a drying rack I built, and a little wind shelter made, I was feeling perfectly calm and serene. I realized at this point that using a violent method while out in the forest simply wasn't going to work; it is just impossible to hate life alone among the wildlife. If only I could live as humans did thousands of years ago, I think id be mostly happy. I bet people were better with eachother back then.
So this morning I walked back to town to look around to see if I could find any chemicals to formulate a poison from before I go back out into the woods.
I happen by the resteraunt I was at yesterday again, and the wifi automatically reconnects. I recieve a bunch of messages from my mother. She is saying now that she regrets what she did and promised not to fo it again; she said that if its what I really wanted she would house me for a month or two and help me figure out a peaceful method.
I am not sure what to do.
I did find a couple OTC medicines I can mix cause quick heart failure; Of course id prefer something more reliable and less painful, (its not the nice kind of heart failure that it would cause) however I am highly suspicious that her offer is some sort of trap. Yet, generally I don't think depsite how fucked up she is that she'd lie about something like this.
I am not sure what to do, now... Any thoughts?

I love your artwork. I could see that as an album cover. I hope you are feeling ok, well as ok as can be expected.

Thank you anon. Truthfully not too much effort went into thay drawing, it only took an hour. Just trying to express my heart I guess.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

Only an hour? If you do stick around for a while, I'll be your agent, this time next year Rodney we'll be millionaires. If there is a market for art by prisoners on death row, then surely there will be one for people who wish they were on death row :)

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Heres what happened:
I got a bit lost omw out of thr city, couldn't find the despensary til it was closed and none of the free wifi places were working. I decided to go out anyway. After about 3 hours of walking (I originally planned several days) I accidentally stepped on a false floor and flooded my boots and clothes with marshwater. Not wanting to die of exposure, (hate being soggy) I had to stop and camp for the night.
Bushcraft is (sadly?) one of my favourite activities. By the time I had a big fire going, my clothes on a drying rack I built, and a little wind shelter made, I was feeling perfectly calm and serene. I realized at this point that using a violent method while out in the forest simply wasn't going to work; it is just impossible to hate life alone among the wildlife. If only I could live as humans did thousands of years ago, I think id be mostly happy. I bet people were better with eachother back then.
So this morning I walked back to town to look around to see if I could find any chemicals to formulate a poison from before I go back out into the woods.
I happen by the resteraunt I was at yesterday again, and the wifi automatically reconnects. I recieve a bunch of messages from my mother. She is saying now that she regrets what she did and promised not to fo it again; she said that if its what I really wanted she would house me for a month or two and help me figure out a peaceful method.
I am not sure what to do.
I did find a couple OTC medicines I can mix cause quick heart failure; Of course id prefer something more reliable and less painful, (its not the nice kind of heart failure that it would cause) however I am highly suspicious that her offer is some sort of trap. Yet, generally I don't think depsite how fucked up she is that she'd lie about something like this.
I am not sure what to do, now... Any thoughts?

Thank you anon. Truthfully not too much effort went into thay drawing, it only took an hour. Just trying to express my heart I guess.

This made me happy to see, ngl. I saw your post yesterday too late to send you regards and regretting we couldn't talk, though I respect your wishes. I'm glad I get this chance.

Considering things didn't go according to plan, I'm glad you were able to have an experience that gave you peace anyway. You set out to find a sense of peace, so even if it wasn't your intention I'm glad you got to have that in a different form. I know you mentioned identifying as a fox in other messages you posted, so I imagine that really suited you. And I'm impressed you have bushcraft skills. I've watched videos on people doing that and it's like real magic to me, I can't imagine having talent like that.

As for your dilemma, if you are having doubts, could be worth it to give what your mom talked about a shot. If it doesn't, you're still completely free to return to your original plan anyway. Could be worth exploring in that way if it doesn't cost you a chance to do the other thing later.

Regardless of how things go with her, what you said about camping out there made me think…have you considered doing that more often? Going out to camp I mean? It seems like that gave you much needed serenity and spoke to that animal spirit in you. Even if things with your mom go well, it strikes me that still being cooped up in civilization all the time isn't good for you, so it would still be worth it to get back out periodically and do that. Give yourself that space to breathe and think and be more of your true self. Don't get me wrong what your mom is offering is nice, it just seems like you also need something to nurture that part of yourself and let it be free. You said before one of your only regrets about CTB was the idea of hurting that fox within you, so even if you still decide to do that, giving that spirit in you a chance to roam around free and be in the wild like it wants to first would be something really rewarding for you.

I don't know if that's a silly idea or not so don't feel pressured to if you think it's dumb, just an idea that crossed my mind so figured I'd share in case it meant anything to you. In any case thinking of you and wishing you more peace soon.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

Only an hour? If you do stick around for a while, I'll be your agent, this time next year Rodney we'll be millionaires. If there is a market for art by prisoners on death row, then surely there will be one for people who wish they were on death row :)

Hah.
Idk if this is legally binding saying it here, but any artwork I publish on this website can be considered to be under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International
Rodney is my father's name actually. Hate that worthless toad.

You said before one of your only regrets about CTB was the idea of hurting that fox within you, so even if you still decide to do that, giving that spirit in you a chance to roam around free and be in the wild like it wants to first would be something really rewarding for you.

Agh, you almost made me start crying in public again you bastard.
Ill respond properly in a minute..

 

[NorthernMonkey]

Hah.
Idk if this is legally binding saying it here, but any artwork I publish on this website can be considered to be under Creative Commoms Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International
Rodney is my father's name actually. Hate that worthless toad.

Agh, you almost made me start crying in public again you bastard.
Ill respond properly in a minute..

Worthless toad, love it. If you ever do another art piece, that should be the title :)

 

[LateForTheBus]

You set out to find a sense of peace, so even if it wasn't your intention I'm glad you got to have that in a different form.

@EmpathyMinded said it well. It wasn't the night you had planned, but you found a sense of peace anyway. I never want any of us to suffer, but I am glad you are still with us. It wasn't your bus. Maybe yours will come along shortly, but it didn't last night. I hope this bit of extra time allows you to find a more peaceful way to exit. We're here for you, no matter what you decide. (Hugs)

 

[endofafoxtwo]

And I'm impressed you have bushcraft skills. I've watched videos on people doing that and it's like real magic to me, I can't imagine having talent like that.

It's actually mostly pretty simple what I do. I just know how to fasten basic structures and such, I am not one of those people that can build a whole house with nothing but his bare hands unfortunately.
It's funny actually how I can swing a hatchet for 6 hours until my hands blister, and I am happy, but I do with the same with a hammer for monry anf I just want to implode.

As for your dilemma, if you are having doubts, could be worth it to give what your mom talked about a shot. If it doesn't, you're still completely free to return to your original plan anyway. Could be worth exploring in that way if it doesn't cost you a chance to do the other thing later.

I generlly agree, and I think I'll go for it, but I am also afraid that it's a trap. Like, what if she recorded me etc so she could try again to get me committed?
Idk..

Regardless of how things go with her, what you said about camping out there made me think…have you considered doing that more often? Going out to camp I mean? It seems like that gave you much needed serenity and spoke to that animal spirit in you. Even if things with your mom go well, it strikes me that still being cooped up in civilization all the time isn't good for you, so it would still be worth it to get back out periodically and do that. Give yourself that space to breathe and think and be more of your true self. Don't get me wrong what your mom is offering is nice, it just seems like you also need something to nurture that part of yourself and let it be free. You said before one of your only regrets about CTB was the idea of hurting that fox within you, so even if you still decide to do that, giving that spirit in you a chance to roam around free and be in the wild like it wants to first would be something really rewarding for you.

I agree, I wish I could go do it more often.
But, if I go back with her ill probably end up in the prairies again where there's no public land or forest.
I do really really love it. I find inducing a light mental shift is actually really useful when I am out there; idk the exact mechanism why but I can navigate terrain way easier when I do, because I can somehow see all the perfect routes over the surface. Maybe it makes me more attentive to patterns on the ground, and I am just following where other animals went before me? Idk. But it is neat.

@EmpathyMinded said it well. It wasn't the night you had planned, but you found a sense of peace anyway. I never want any of us to suffer, but I am glad you are still with us. It wasn't your bus. Maybe yours will come along shortly, but it didn't last night. I hope this bit of extra time allows you to find a more peaceful way to exit. We're here for you, no matter what you decide. (Hugs)

Appreciate it. Although, that peace was a very transient one. Once I am back in the city and remember why I want to leave this life, it's gone.
I wish I could dream of being a fox. If I could I think if stay alive just so I could be more of a real fox every night. I've tried for years to no avail.

 

[LateForTheBus]

Appreciate it. Although, that peace was a very transient one. Once I am back in the city and remember why I want to leave this life, it's gone.
I wish I could dream of being a fox. If I could I think if stay alive just so I could be more of a real fox every night. I've tried for years to no avail.

I understand that it was a short-lived peace. I'm just thankful you had an evening of it. You've suffered so much in life, I hated to think of you suffering in death, too. I hope you will be able to find a way to have a more peaceful transition to the other side.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

Gtg for a while. Ill update when im back.

 

[Rocket]

I love foxes, you're a beautiful soul.

Just meditated on you being able to dream you are a fox, sending you positive energy and white light. Try to visualize it before you go to sleep as happening. I hope it will.

There's a TV show called ALONE where 10 people are dropped off in the wilderness (like the Arctic) and they must survive alone. No interactions with others except emergencies and med checks. They even film it themselves. The people who survives the longest wins $500,000. When reading about your bush craft skills, thought of the show, they all have great experience in that. And foxes make appearances.

Loved some of the comments earlier about going out camping more often. I'm glad it was at least some temporary relief. You know what you need and want and you've said it so well. Respect whatever decision you make and thank you for sharing so much about yourself and foxes.

 

[rationaltake]

Hello @endofafoxtwo. I've only just noticed this thread and I'm so sad about what's happening with you. I really loved chatting with you about foxes. You're an amazing person and your artwork is awesome.

Your connection with foxes shines through and your understanding and appreciation of animals and nature is wonderful. You have the amazing gift of being able to communicate this with others - it's inspiring. Have you ever done paid or voluntary work where you teach people about animals or show them bushcraft? I think you'd be incredible at this.

You've really made an impression on me and I'm wondering how you are now. What's happening with the job at the airport?

I can understand your fox heart longs to roam free in the countryside.

PS Sorry your cat is gone. ❤

 

[EmpathyMinded]

It's actually mostly pretty simple what I do. I just know how to fasten basic structures and such, I am not one of those people that can build a whole house with nothing but his bare hands unfortunately.
It's funny actually how I can swing a hatchet for 6 hours until my hands blister, and I am happy, but I do with the same with a hammer for monry anf I just want to implode.


I generlly agree, and I think I'll go for it, but I am also afraid that it's a trap. Like, what if she recorded me etc so she could try again to get me committed?
Idk..


I agree, I wish I could go do it more often.
But, if I go back with her ill probably end up in the prairies again where there's no public land or forest.
I do really really love it. I find inducing a light mental shift is actually really useful when I am out there; idk the exact mechanism why but I can navigate terrain way easier when I do, because I can somehow see all the perfect routes over the surface. Maybe it makes me more attentive to patterns on the ground, and I am just following where other animals went before me? Idk. But it is neat.

Appreciate it. Although, that peace was a very transient one. Once I am back in the city and remember why I want to leave this life, it's gone.
I wish I could dream of being a fox. If I could I think if stay alive just so I could be more of a real fox every night. I've tried for years to no avail.

If that peace you had fades after being back in civilization for a bit, that's all the more reason for you to get back out there for a bit. If the idea of making any kind of longer term plan seems too daunting, don't commit to doing that much at first maybe. Just plan for one outing like that, then go from there. One step at a time. If you are out around in fields instead of straight forest like you talked about anticipating, then maybe that isn't ideal but still, foxes roam fields too and there are usually always at least some trees nearby. If you get out there and follow those inner instincts I'm sure you could find a nice spot.

Outside of that, meditating on that spirit within you before sleep, willing it to be loose in your dreams is something you could always do when you can't be out in the wild. Could bring a better sense of inner peace even if it isn't optimal. Any step you can do to get closer to that is worth it.

I'm glad what I said could mean something to you. I hope going forward you see some of the positive progress you are wanting in life while you are still here. Would enjoy hearing updates on how everything goes for you going forward.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

Your connection with foxes shines through and your understanding and appreciation of animals and nature is wonderful. You have the amazing gift of being able to communicate this with others - it's inspiring. Have you ever done paid or voluntary work where you teach people about animals or show them bushcraft? I think you'd be incredible at this.

No, I haven't. I've looked into volunteering with wildlife rehab but there's just nothing available.
I have been told before I'd be a good teacher, I love children and animals and I am good at communicating with both. When I was younger (14-17) I'd love to hang around playgrounds and play with the kids, teach them to use the swingsets, help them with reading, or whatever else. I can't really do that anymore, I'm too old now. It'd just be creepy.
If I didn't hate this world and the state of my being, I'd have loved to find a wife and have kids of my own one day.

I do generally like teaching, though. I know I have a talent for explaining abstract concepts, so I think it is something I could have done in another life.

What's happening with the job at the airport?

Some native janitor decided to bitch about me sleeping at the airport to one of the guards who came and harassed me and then complained to the airport administrator who then evicted me from the airport. Nobody offered to actually help me. Frankly, I am not interested in that job or this world anymore. Flying up north here was one last desperate attempt to give life, and humanity, a chance. I maxxed out my credit card and spent basically everything I had to come up here.
I really have no fucking clue why I was born into this shit world. I could see why maybe I would have wanted to be human for a lifetime if humanity was the way it should be, but a in a human world like the one thay exists... I can't see why I would come here except as a punishment.

I love foxes, you're a beautiful soul.

Just meditated on you being able to dream you are a fox, sending you positive energy and white light. Try to visualize it before you go to sleep as happening. I hope it will.

There's a TV show called ALONE where 10 people are dropped off in the wilderness (like the Arctic) and they must survive alone. No interactions with others except emergencies and med checks. They even film it themselves. The people who survives the longest wins $500,000. When reading about your bush craft skills, thought of the show, they all have great experience in that. And foxes make appearances.

Thank you for sending your kind intent.
I think I have seen that show, it's cool! But, I don't think I would last. My strength outdoors really is my will, I can be in extremely physically distressed conditions and keep going. For example, I in the past walked over 100km carrying 65lbs or so without sleeping or eating or taking meaningfully long breaks. After 30km my feet were bleeding, so I just wrapped em and kept going. I would have made a good soilder, I think. Since I was 13 my plan was always to join the Canadian Armed Forces when I grew up. I actually did start the enrollment process in 2019, which was a struggle on its own due to being homeschooled, but then they shut down for covid and mandated the vax which I found to be appalling, so my dream was torpedoed.
Anyways, my point is that while I have a strong constitution, that alone is not enough to survive weeks or months in the wild. I don't have any hunting experience and there are still large gaps in my knowledge, sadly.

___
So, update as far as the situation goes, I have decided to let my mother help me do this if she is serious. It's just as well for me if I can find a peaceful method, so.. if everytging goes properly ill guess ill be around a few more months. I'll keep this post up since it pretty much still embodies what my parting intent is, and ill just post here again once arrangements have been made.
---

If you are out around in fields instead of straight forest like you talked about anticipating, then maybe that isn't ideal but still, foxes roam fields too and there are usually always at least some trees nearby. If you get out there and follow those inner instincts I'm sure you could find a nice spot

You'd be surprised! You can go for many square kilometers there and not find a single tree. It's not a nice place at all. Perfectly fine for a real fox, but for a faux such as myself, I have human needs too. I can't just dig myself a rest or curl up into my own fur to stay warm.
Plus, there is soooo much private land and the little public land is very restricted. Barbed wire everywhere. Seriously I cannot stress it enough, it's a shithole. It's home, but home's a shithole kek

I wish there was somewhere wild and forested with access to loose rock like here up north, but with proper well drained soil to work with and spruce etc trees to build with. I know there's tons of land like that out in europe, but here there's nothing like that I know of.
Longing for a place I have never been in this life, as always haha..

Outside of that, meditating on that spirit within you before sleep, willing it to be loose in your dreams is something you could always do when you can't be out in the wild. Could bring a better sense of inner peace even if it isn't optimal. Any step you can do to get closer to that is worth it.

Ill keep trying. I usually just reference "it" as myself, as I really don't see any distinction, but maybe that sort of language could help. Worth a couple tries I guess...
-
Somwthing I want to add:
What the fuck is with the public view of this site, treating it like some sort of death cult? I have not seen any advocacy or glorification of suicide here on this site. All I have seen is good, very damaged people discuss their ups and downs and their plans in an honest way.
Nobody here has been unkind to me, and I as of now haven't seen any unkind behaviour to others here either.
I don't think anybody here WANTS to feel this way/be in a situation where they have to feel this way, nor do I think anybody here wants others to suffer as they are. So unless this website's culture has shifted significantly recently, the media etc is completely full of shit.
Death, life, is a choice. If somebody decides they don't want to be here anymore that doesn't mean they are defective, and it certainly shouldn't make them a criminal or second class citizen.
Hate these piece of shit lying tyrants.