Venting Weird idea I had popping out of nowhere

[Nonno_Eek]

Hello umm... So I don't know if I should say it or not but tell me if it is just me or not. Do you also think of killing the people who did bad things to you like your abuser?

I just returned from my parents' home after the electricity returned (our home hasn't had electricity for a whole year). I left my aunt's place because I felt like a dead weight, I didn't hate her. I'm grateful that she did take me in. But I'm back at the same house where things happened to me.

I don't go out of my room. I'm always inside my room. When it's time to eat, I will take my food from the kitchen and eat in my room. I don't want to be in the main house because it smells like cigarettes.

My dad is still here. I hate him. Whenever I'm alone, he keeps coming into the room. I'm always locking it, but sometimes I forget, so he comes inside. What I do is climb my bunk bed??? (I don't know what it's called, but it's like a drawer/wardrobe below, and the bed is on top.) and scoot farther to the corner. He will stand on the stairs, blocking my only way out, and ask me things that don't matter.

For some reason, my voice always comes out as angry. I always reply in an irritated tone... I didn't look at him directly in the eyes but looked at my phone as if I was busy doing something. He gives me money for no reason. It creeps me out. Last night he asked me if he could kiss my head... I said no.

Sometimes I think of holding a knife everywhere I go. Last year was the worst. I was about to attend my first class and I'm tearing up. Inside, I was panicking I was thinking like I should have brought something to protect me. Nothing happened before that day. I just woke up distressed. My mind was flying in class.

Anyway, now I do still think of it. I don't understand it. A week ago, I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I heard him rambling because my younger brother did something. He doesn't need to care about it. I hate hearing his voice, my mouth just silently mumbles "I want to stab somebody" in a jingle tone???? and when I returned to my room, I just felt weird saying it out loud but I'm not sorry for thinking about it.

Sometimes I wish I had a knife next to me in bed. I would probably buy a box cutter but right now, I'm not going near the knives in the house.

 

[fishygirl]

for sure have thought of it many times myself. i had entire fantasies on how i'd do it and get away with it. when my mom was at her worst, i was constantly scared and wanted a knife to hold anytime she was around, too.

i hope you get out of that place soon and i dont know anything about you, but im sure your aunt didn't mind having you. if you feel like a dead weight then clean and cook as often as you can, anyone will appreciate that

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I've had dreams of killing my wife's abuser, who happened to be her father. I sincerely hope you can get move out to place where you are safe. Meanwhile, stand your ground.