Weekends are really fucking hard

[playalistic]

Weekends are when my sadness feels the most debilitating & i have the most suicidal ideation. I work a 9-5 that I don't particularly dislike or like, but it's really good at keeping me distracted & taking my mind off things because it's a very busy job and I constantly have my hands tied with shit. I feel like it constantly keeps me mentally occupied, as the second I have a free mental moment where I am not thinking about something or focused on something ALL the grief & bad thoughts crawl in. I feel like the opposite of most people because everybody gets super excited for the weekends but for me, I wake up on a Saturday/Sunday and am just filled with anguish and despair tbh & all the negative thoughts just come crawling back & it's extremely difficult to get out of bed. Maybe I need a better hobby/distraction or more friends or a better structure on the weekends but it hits me like a bus, all the bad thoughts come crawling back. Especially today

Does anyone else get this feeling?

 

[soulchaser_]

Yeah, I don't work currently but I am constantly occupied and busy most days, studying, having tutoring classes and going out (especially this summer) but the second I am really alone or have a 'break' it hits. It feels like I am distracting myself from the negative and when there is no distraction I am just faced with reality.
I might be doing a lot and on the outside I look fine but when alone I realise I don't know what I am even doing..