Venting weaponized sadness?

[justafcknloser]

i have this friend. he's not really the best guy. i only keep him around because i guess id rather be surrounded by completely horrible people than by myself. which i guess says a lot about me. he assaulted me when i was on psychedelics for the first time in june. he was the main factor in why my relationship didn't work out. which i also do take full responsibility for by the way. and he begged me to kill myself with him which brought me down to my lowest again. so i cut him off for a few months. and then in october after i failed my first attempt and fled states away i called him drunk. i told him how i was going to end it. and we stayed friends. clearly i didn't end it then. he offered to let me live at his place. and so he bought me a train ticket and i came back to this cursed state. and then his landlord found out and i wasn't even allowed to be there apparently. so i ended up homeless and couch surfing again. and we've had a really rocky friendship. because he can't take accountability for his actions or behavior whatsoever. for example, he loves criticizing other people and then goes and does the same things. like he used to criticize my ex for playing video games while i was crying. he did that. he criticized my sister and her friends for not taking my SI seriously and making fun of it and saying im too scared. he's doing that. he judged people in my past for taking advantage of me. HE DID THAT. and the crazy thing is. i wouldn't even care if he owned up to it and apologized. he keeps saying it doesn't matter if i kill myself because he tried his best. YOU CANT EVEN SAY "im sorry"?! like. what? he tried to say im weaponizing my sadness and i genuinely do not understand. me saying you don't take accountability for your actions isn't weaponizing sadness. every time i come with valid points you respond with "oh but
you do this too." i can own up to things without dragging you into it. i can say sorry and i know when i'm wrong. i know how to take responsibility for my actions. but when i point out yours it suddenly becomes "too much." i'm sorry you can't handle hearing about the things you do. that doesn't mean i'm manipulating you it means you don't want to have a serious conversation. i will die with that version of him in my head. and it will entirely be his fault. and he doesn't care. "everything i do for you" when you genuinely can't even say two words. i dont understand how a person could run so far from the truth and make it somehow twist into how im always in the wrong and how my mental health is affecting you? you just called me a pussy for not killing myself like what? why do i always have to be in the wrong for people to feel BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.