Discussion Was I wrong/selfish for saving my wife after she tried to ctb?

[FrozenMango]

I voted yes. Your wife had several suicide attempts. She didn't tell you she will do it again during the last two years because she didn't feel comfortable talking about it.
I want you to know that if someone thinks about CTB or had attempts, there is a high chance they are passively suicidal. CTB thoughts don't just go away. I personally don't believe most suicide survivors stories. There are four options:

- try to help your wife, understand her reasons, and support her with solutions to the issues
- break up
- keep your wife and understand that she might try again
- you both do it

Don't be hard on yourself, OP. Living with a suicidal person is hard. Kudos to you for thinking about the situation with open mind

 

[nonialabaster]

My wife attempted to ctb 3 weeks ago. I took her to hospital where she was very close but was brought back. She has since been sectioned in a hospital and if anything it's been bringing her down more.

I love and cherish my wife and hope to spend my life with her as in her I've found my soulmate, but I'm wondering after reading some posts on here if I'm doing more harm than good by stopping her when she is clearly unhappy and wants to ctb. I want what is best for my wife and I don't want her to suffer in this life or in any other way.

I'm wondering if it isn't worth ctb together as I don't want to be in a world without her, but I don't want to keep her in this world if she is truly unhappy as that would be cruel and selfish of me.

Am I in the wrong for saving my wife? Was that me being selfish because I want to spend my life with her?

You were not being selfish. You love her and your instinct is to protect her. You can't help it. My late husband did the same for me, 20+ years ago. I'd taken an overdose of benzos and Prozac. Not a good idea, btw.
He found me blue and seizing, scooped me up (I'm a tiny thing) and rushed me to the hospital. I woke up with charcoal all over my face and gown. Spent some time in the psych ward, which sucked. But I wasn't mad at him. It was apparent that I wasn't ready at that time. Just try to help her with resources. If she decides to make the ultimate decision, she'll find a way to do it. But, she might change her mind. Remember, it has nothing to do with you. I'll be thinking about you.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I think you found yourself in an impossible position, and I don't think anyone who hasn't been through the same couldn't truly understand it unless they'd been through it themselves.

I can't hand on heart say I wouldn't have done exactly as you did. I believe what I believe, but in that moment, I don't think I'd have it in me to just walk away, or stay and watch.

I'm really sorry that you went through this, and I'm also sorry for your wife. Whatever happens from this point on, I hope you guys can get through.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

You are literally batshit insane and obsessed with suicidality

Hey, calm down friend. That's a bit far. It would seem that was all said and done and a moderator stepped in a while back.

Let's not derail this thread any further with infighting. There's no need for it.

 

[AnonymousS]

I've never replied to one of your comments before because you're so heavily opinionated I tend to figure it simply isn't worth it. But like, can't you take a day off? Give the OP a break. It's all well and good telling them they're in the wrong and disgusting bla bla bla but if somebody you loved was dying right in front of you, I struggle to believe you would simply stand there and watch. OP clearly stated that they didn't expect this and obviously didn't have much time to think on their actions - It's literally human nature to panic and act instinctively in that kind of situation. Was what they did the best thing they could have done? Maybe not, and that's your opinion to have, but to call them disgusting for responding in a way that literally reflects human nature is just a bit ridiculous.

I'm starting to think you want to be the only person on this site, since apparently everyone who doesn't blindly agree with your extremist ideology is pro-life this and pro-life that and shouldn't be on here. Christ, if you had your way there'd be no website at all. Have some empathy and compassion and maybe take some time to consider that life really isn't as black and white as you so clearly believe it to be.

I agree, it's downright toxic, and totally lacking in empathy. Someone clearly thinks they know it all, a post like that cries out for empathy. A completely ignorant and unpleasant individual.

 

[The Eihwaz Tree]

My wife attempted to ctb 3 weeks ago. I took her to hospital where she was very close but was brought back. She has since been sectioned in a hospital and if anything it's been bringing her down more.

I love and cherish my wife and hope to spend my life with her as in her I've found my soulmate, but I'm wondering after reading some posts on here if I'm doing more harm than good by stopping her when she is clearly unhappy and wants to ctb. I want what is best for my wife and I don't want her to suffer in this life or in any other way.

I'm wondering if it isn't worth ctb together as I don't want to be in a world without her, but I don't want to keep her in this world if she is truly unhappy as that would be cruel and selfish of me.

Am I in the wrong for saving my wife? Was that me being selfish because I want to spend my life with her?

I'd say you're fine, considering that there are alternative ways of solving a problem that doesn't involve killing yourself. So long as you're still with her and try to understand her, and help her work through her problems, that's all it matters in my book.

I used to think otherwise with the dogmatic sentiment about how it's selfish to save someone, but... after my experience, I genuinely feel like it's something that can be overcome. But yeah.

The worst thing you can do, however, is leave her.

 

[SexyIncél]

More information would help. For example, it's unclear why your wife didn't plan this with you

And were you able to save her due to sheer coincidence? Poor planning on her part? Did she secretly want you to save her, so she made an intentionally flawed attempt?

I voted Yes: it was "wrong/selfish". But that's an abstract choice based on little info

I'm wondering if it isn't worth ctb together as I don't want to be in a world without her, but I don't want to keep her in this world if she is truly unhappy as that would be cruel and selfish of me.

I will gently disagree with many here: if you really truly deeply want to, ctb'ing together may be a profound expression of love. Depending on circumstances. Obviously, I do not advise you to ctb. Because it's also tragic. It should be decided with calm rationality, weighing pros and cons. But it's your decision

 

[TakeMeBack07]

Of course not OP. Your act sounded instinctual. It's never as if you're gonna think from a morality perspective in these situations. Are you just going to watch her die if it happens again? Nope.
although you do have an extremely tough and complex situation now.

 

[HayBunny23]

My spouse feels the same way you do, yet he doesn't stand in my way. He was even begging to go with me before I told him he couldn't, that I couldn't support his death when in all other ways he wants to live.
I understand why you did it, but yeah it's selfish. To me, selfishness isn't always a bad thing, it's good to be selfish with yourself. However, you didn't have the right to be selfish with some else's life. That's the whole point of being pro-choice.
Obviously I hope that, if she ultimately lives long term, she is happy you saved her. Otherwise, don't stand in her way again. It's not easy to see your loved one go thru this and I'm truly sorry you have to watch it.
Hopefully if she isn't pissed at you, you'll be there to support her and get her the hell out of that mental hospital it sounds like she doesn't want to be in. I wish both of you the best.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

My wife attempted to ctb 3 weeks ago. I took her to hospital where she was very close but was brought back. She has since been sectioned in a hospital and if anything it's been bringing her down more.

I love and cherish my wife and hope to spend my life with her as in her I've found my soulmate, but I'm wondering after reading some posts on here if I'm doing more harm than good by stopping her when she is clearly unhappy and wants to ctb. I want what is best for my wife and I don't want her to suffer in this life or in any other way.

I'm wondering if it isn't worth ctb together as I don't want to be in a world without her, but I don't want to keep her in this world if she is truly unhappy as that would be cruel and selfish of me.

Am I in the wrong for saving my wife? Was that me being selfish because I want to spend my life with her?

I don't know your specific situation but In my case if anyone interfered with my ctb i'd be furious at them. There's risk of brain damage and other horrors of failing a ctb attempt. that is my worst fear being interrupted by the ER creep doctors , kept alive when I don't want to be and can't. I'm a male chimp and I just want to be left alone and to die. We all will die anyway . I can't see why people don't understand that we all die no matter what happens. And life is really short also. Ask anyone over 40 how the decades fly by like a blink of an eye. And then after a human dies they won't exist ever again so they won't remember anything that happened in their life. so nothing really matters.

I watch all the humans and imo they don't realize they will age fast become old riddled with pain and diseases like arthritis, dementia, cancer, stroke , alsheimers etc. . But not me i'll be not existing so no pain no suffering no problems for me forever

 

[anguila_anguila]

What I don't understand is how you didn't know about this attempt beforehand?
I'm sorry to say that the fact she hadn't told you and did it in a location that you were going to find her sounds wrong to me. I've talked to friends who lost loved ones due to unexpected suicide (one of whom discovered the body) - they were utterly devastated and were never the same again. It made me think long and hard about the effects on other people if I were to CTB; from my immediate family, to even people who would have to clear me away afterwards.

I've also experienced trying to save someone who was seriously depressed; she tried to CTB but was obviously not 100% committed to it - one time I was physically nearby and could organise people to search for her. Another time she texted me out the blue and I spent a while before convincing her to contact the emergency services. Several years have passed, and she is a lot better re the depression - so was I selfish to stop her attempts, or was it a good thing? It was an incredibly difficult time, as I was struggling with my own thoughts of CTB, and I have definitely changed because of the experience, but this was just a friend - so I cannot imagine how you felt! I think some people who are completely against your actions, and don't even try to understand the two sides of the coin, are just too focused on their own "rights" that they have forgotten the rights and feelings of others - but of course, depression alters how the mind works and processes emotions, so this is to be expected tbh.

My thoughts on this are, that if she truly wants to go through with it, then the two of you need to communicate. It was harsh of her to do it out of the blue and expect for you to be ok with it. At least if you sit down and work it out together, you can find out if that is what she really wants, and help her to find the best (and most reliable) way possible.

 

[missingpeace]

My wife attempted to ctb 3 weeks ago. I took her to hospital where she was very close but was brought back. She has since been sectioned in a hospital and if anything it's been bringing her down more.

I love and cherish my wife and hope to spend my life with her as in her I've found my soulmate, but I'm wondering after reading some posts on here if I'm doing more harm than good by stopping her when she is clearly unhappy and wants to ctb. I want what is best for my wife and I don't want her to suffer in this life or in any other way.

I'm wondering if it isn't worth ctb together as I don't want to be in a world without her, but I don't want to keep her in this world if she is truly unhappy as that would be cruel and selfish of me.

Am I in the wrong for saving my wife? Was that me being selfish because I want to spend my life with her?

It's a horrible position to be in to give up a loved one, particularly a spouse, you married with the hopes of making a life together and fulfulling dreams, you have to say goodbye to all that and let her go. It was abit careless on her part that she didn't plan her ctb properly if she was indeed firm about going. Your reactions are completely normal and probably in the heat of the moment you couldn't have thought alternatively. I have mixed feelings though because personally if someone stopped me, I would be hella furious.. but then again if I want it so bad I would make sure my planning would be absolutely foolproof and that noone would catch me midway.
Since you mentioned that your wife has attempted previously, I think she really wants to go and I don't think you should hold her back, but that is easier said then done. I'm sorry this is what life has brought in front of you to deal with. I hope it will get easier for you.. and if your wife chooses to go, I hope that you will have the strength to carry on and make a life of your own.

 

[toro]

this is a heartbreaking situation to be in, i understand your wife, but i understand you too, please do not hate or blame yourself for anything, you acted out of love and instict, it is entirely natural for a human to not want another to die, especially someone so close. i am pro choice, and i believe your wife has every right to choose, but i dont blame you for seeking help, this is a very very complicated and nuanced situation that noone in this thread is right about because we cant be. we do not know enough about you and your wife or your relationship, we dont know enough about each of your lives, we do not know truly how we would act in that situation unless we were thrown into it.

saying that, even if it is cruel and selfish, and despite me being completely pro-choice, if i walked in on someone i loved in that situation, i think i would have done the same thing, even if it is selfish. id rather feel selfish than know i have assisted in someones death, seeing it in person like that.. call me soft but i cannot handle that sort of thing. this is a very complicated situation and my heart goes out to the both of you, i hope youre both OK