Discussion Was doing well but falling this evening

[Unsure_about_living]

Hi all,
I've been doing really well (like, amazing well!) But have fallen down slightly this evening and am worried I'm only a step away from old patterns.

I've been doing well mentally since around Christmas time and am even doing a running charity challenge in aid of Samaritans (if you'd have told me this 6 months ago I would have laughed so much!).

But this evening I had a few drinks...and then a few more (the first few were nothing out of the ordinary, but then I just didn't see why I should stop), and then just felt....risky/meh. Nothing particularly bad had happened in any way, there was no trigger. Looked up SN online, which I think was mostly curiousity around whether I could theoretically get it from anywhere (last time I looked it was very tricky for the UK), and it turned out I could. Again, I felt like I was just looking out of curiosity but of course I'm sure there was some deeper motive, and before I knew it (while just trying to see when it would be delivered) I had an email saying SN was on its way. Genuinely an accident (though slightly alcohol fueled, I'm sure)

The most unsettling thing is that I feel a small sort of strange excitement (?) About the potential to leave the world. But at the same time I've been doing fabulously and was so proud of myself. So would be good to hear if anyone is in the same boat?! Or any advice / insights
Oh and I had so so nearly deleted this account as I thought I was "Better" / didn't need it anymore...

 

[Thegoldenapples]

Sounds like you were doing amazing until drinking so shouldn't be drinking if you're in recovery. It's a depressant and won't help you get out of a hole, will just dig it. Since you've ordered SN, you have it there but since your life was going great, maybe put down the drink for a decent year + and focus on building up the serotonin as you were through exercise, healthy lifestyle etc. if you're on the right track, a lot of progress can be done in a year. Life is for living, so if you can live, and not merely exist, I'd take the living option.

 

[timf]

Many people get a rush of excitement when they walk near the edge of a steep drop off. The alcohol probably opened the door to thoughts that produced this similar rush. You have the evidence that what you have been doing has been working. You also have evidence as to what trips you up.

 

[Unsure_about_living]

I managed to email the seller and cancel the SN, so at least that's positive. So much guilt today though

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Everybody hits the skids now and then, even so-called "normal" people. NObody has a 100% happy happy life.

Don't beat yourself up over this. I have done similar things and you will be able to pick yourself back up and get back on the recovery horse; you've done it before, you can do it again, right?

As for alcohol, oh yeah. I rarely drink but when I do, especially if more than one small, very light drink, it is right down the tubes.

You cancelled the order for SN, which allows you to cancel the guilt, too, lol!