Hey ya'll. So quick backstory, I suffered a workplace accident and I really had a dark moment in time where the depression was so strong that I wasn't even able to leave my bed. Anyways, I've recovered alot mentally, I've engaged with my giant friend group again, and reconciled with my girlfriend (even had some good sex even for a partially disabled person HAHA) anyways tho I'm still conflicted about living. I know even though I am getting treatment I know my condition has become degenerative and alot of the damage is permanent and it has lead to a derailing of alot of things that are important in life to me. My ability to even be able to work again has become severely limited alongside alot of physical leisure activities I use to cherish are realistically not possible. At the moment despite being able to go out with friends and have a loving girlfriend and being overall happy in the current state, its hard to help but think of a future with limited prospects for me individually that makes me feel that CTB would be a viable option.
All my friends were surprised at my attutide and my general well being seeing me laugh again and engage with them. I'm really conflicted right now because I feel like I'm put in a position where I can rationally say "due to my limited prospects to provide myself financial and not live a self sustaining and purposeful life, maybe its time to accept its my time to go" but there is still so much things I can enjoy outside of work (such as friend and relationships). I'm currently taken off work due to mental health initially but that has significantly improved but I'm still left with permanent damage to my body unfortunatly and I for sure know that its only a matter of time before my employer realizes that will never be able to physically recover.
It currently feels like I'm living a facade; when money and work is taken out of the equation, my disablity doesn't seem all that bad because I can always hangout with friends and obv enjoy and having a meaningful relationship with my girlfriend. However, I'm just feeling stuck because in the back of my mind I ask myself, what about those times inbetween the friend hangouts and when eveuntally all my friends return to work and advance in their careers! Where will I be? unable to hold down a job due to disability? Having a loving girlfriend but can only visist me once a week, what can I possibly due to fill that void when they're not around and while everyone is living a productive life career wise I'm severely and financially restricted? It seems the longer I continue to live the bigger the questions about my life become which kind of push me to rationalize CTB out not out of desperation but because health issues that make living a productive life (financially and leisurely) not possible. Just my thoughts, because I've seen major progress in my mental health but the idea of CTB still hasn't gone away unfortunately.
All my friends were surprised at my attutide and my general well being seeing me laugh again and engage with them. I'm really conflicted right now because I feel like I'm put in a position where I can rationally say "due to my limited prospects to provide myself financial and not live a self sustaining and purposeful life, maybe its time to accept its my time to go" but there is still so much things I can enjoy outside of work (such as friend and relationships). I'm currently taken off work due to mental health initially but that has significantly improved but I'm still left with permanent damage to my body unfortunatly and I for sure know that its only a matter of time before my employer realizes that will never be able to physically recover.
It currently feels like I'm living a facade; when money and work is taken out of the equation, my disablity doesn't seem all that bad because I can always hangout with friends and obv enjoy and having a meaningful relationship with my girlfriend. However, I'm just feeling stuck because in the back of my mind I ask myself, what about those times inbetween the friend hangouts and when eveuntally all my friends return to work and advance in their careers! Where will I be? unable to hold down a job due to disability? Having a loving girlfriend but can only visist me once a week, what can I possibly due to fill that void when they're not around and while everyone is living a productive life career wise I'm severely and financially restricted? It seems the longer I continue to live the bigger the questions about my life become which kind of push me to rationalize CTB out not out of desperation but because health issues that make living a productive life (financially and leisurely) not possible. Just my thoughts, because I've seen major progress in my mental health but the idea of CTB still hasn't gone away unfortunately.
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