droppedmysyrup
r
- Jul 23, 2024
- 39
I feel like over the course of the last few years I've started to really lose myself, I've always struggled with meeting social standards but, ever since I dropped out and isolate over the last few years I've lost all ability to be able to socialize normally. I can't make eye contact with people when they speak to me its almost painful I'm unsure why it feels that way as well. Im able to speak with people on the internet just fine (in my own opinion) but, others might disagree. Most of my friendships feel like im forcing them though and like if i didn't reach out first nobody would ever speak to me.
I struggle with substance abuse and I seem to build more bad habits before I can ever kick the old ones and they're starting to stack up to an amount where i truthfully don't want to fix anything and I just want to ctb. I go to therapy but my therapist makes me feel like she's not even listening to what I'm saying, i want to talk to her about my suicidal thoughts and my plans but I don't want to be institutionalized, in turn I just hold things in and I feel like a cup overflowing with the need to express my thoughts and feelings. I cannot remember the last time i was sober, i cant remember the last time ive showered, i spend hours in bed everyday i don't leave my house and i just want to call this all quits.
I spent 2 years dating this girl we lived together and i thought she was the love of my life, at first things were good but it genuinely started to spiral into a toxic relationship on both of our behalves.
It ended in an extremely messy way and i havent been able to recover whatsoever since.
I truly feel disgusting everyday with the way i live my life, I life in filth im unable to take care of myself all i do is just drown myself in any form of escapism and its truly awful.
I wanna shoot myself i have the ability to do so but I'm extremely scared of the idea that i might feel it if i do. I've heard stories on the internet too of people shooting themselves surviving and being disfigured, that would make my life immensely worse.
I'm also worried because the way id obtain the firearm is through a friend and id lie saying what id need it for, I don't want the people around me to feel guilty for my actions or like they were responsible it is entirely my fault
i cant remember a time i was truly happy without being dependent on someone else to give me comfort and happiness.
(honestly even talking about things like this puts me in a great deal of anxiety because im terrified of someone coming for me to lock me up for my feelings but suffering in silence has been eating me alive for too long. Sorry if this is scrambled or hard to understand ive been having so much trouble trying to even understand myself.)
I struggle with substance abuse and I seem to build more bad habits before I can ever kick the old ones and they're starting to stack up to an amount where i truthfully don't want to fix anything and I just want to ctb. I go to therapy but my therapist makes me feel like she's not even listening to what I'm saying, i want to talk to her about my suicidal thoughts and my plans but I don't want to be institutionalized, in turn I just hold things in and I feel like a cup overflowing with the need to express my thoughts and feelings. I cannot remember the last time i was sober, i cant remember the last time ive showered, i spend hours in bed everyday i don't leave my house and i just want to call this all quits.
I spent 2 years dating this girl we lived together and i thought she was the love of my life, at first things were good but it genuinely started to spiral into a toxic relationship on both of our behalves.
It ended in an extremely messy way and i havent been able to recover whatsoever since.
I truly feel disgusting everyday with the way i live my life, I life in filth im unable to take care of myself all i do is just drown myself in any form of escapism and its truly awful.
I wanna shoot myself i have the ability to do so but I'm extremely scared of the idea that i might feel it if i do. I've heard stories on the internet too of people shooting themselves surviving and being disfigured, that would make my life immensely worse.
I'm also worried because the way id obtain the firearm is through a friend and id lie saying what id need it for, I don't want the people around me to feel guilty for my actions or like they were responsible it is entirely my fault
i cant remember a time i was truly happy without being dependent on someone else to give me comfort and happiness.
(honestly even talking about things like this puts me in a great deal of anxiety because im terrified of someone coming for me to lock me up for my feelings but suffering in silence has been eating me alive for too long. Sorry if this is scrambled or hard to understand ive been having so much trouble trying to even understand myself.)
