Wanting to ctb asap but also making ''stupid plans'' for the future...

[lnlybnny]

Do you also do this?

It doesn't make sense but I do it:
Instead of buying my SN kit I buy new clothes, that I obviously won't wear anymore once I'm dead.

I plan to get a new haircut, even got a new hair color, or to get some new random object.

I feel stupid because these things prove that I'm still attached to life I guess.

 

[fvckfamily]

Você também faz isso?

Não faz sentido, mas eu faço:
Em vez de comprar meu kit SN, compro roupas novas, que obviamente não usarei mais quando morrer.

Pretendo cortar o cabelo, até mesmo mudar a cor do cabelo, ou comprar algum objeto aleatório.

Sinto-me idiota porque essas coisas provam que ainda estou apegado à vida, eu acho.

se você sentir algum tipo de esperança, isso pode compensar sua decisão, e claro, se você quiser

 

[Anon7b8]

Yes, well, as living beings we do cling to life even if it is clear to us that we already want to go. Plus we're naturally hopeful that things may get better. So unless we're really sure that we're going to catch the bus most of us hold off until the last moments.

 

[mrtime87]

Do you also do this?

It doesn't make sense but I do it:
Instead of buying my SN kit I buy new clothes, that I obviously won't wear anymore once I'm dead.

I plan to get a new haircut, even got a new hair color, or to get some new random object.

I feel stupid because these things prove that I'm still attached to life I guess.

That or you don't have a good method and know it will fail.

Life is precious, so don't beat yourself up. Maybe enjoying the things you do instead of ending your life should be cherished.

Best of luck

 

[abchia]

I've also been through this before and right now.

Your CTB date (if you decide on that) might be a lot further than you think. In the meantime you are allowed to make the best of things including making those 'stupid plans' that involve future you. Please don't feel stupid, you are just doing what any other person would do.

 

[Trav1989]

Do you also do this?

It doesn't make sense but I do it:
Instead of buying my SN kit I buy new clothes, that I obviously won't wear anymore once I'm dead.

I plan to get a new haircut, even got a new hair color, or to get some new random object.

I feel stupid because these things prove that I'm still attached to life I guess.

The only plan I have is to open the mailbox in a week, open my package, drive out into the middle of nowhere, mix it with water, take it, then sleep forever hopefully. I used to make plans but I just don't care to anymore, life is just too cruel and disgusting to me to want any part of it anymore. On the outside everything can seem great but deep down people are monstrous and selfish and I desire nothing to do with this "life" anymore if you can even call it that. I wore my heart on my sleeve for 30+ years and what did I get for it? A rollercoaster of ups and downs with downs being so particularly nasty that each time I experienced one it killed a bit of me inside. After enough trauma I just stopped caring, then I got pushed over the edge and instead of just wanting to CTB I feel the NEED to CTB because to live any longer in this existence than I have to sounds like a living hell.

My goal is to CTB in October but my SN should be here within two weeks so I'm not sure I'll even make it that far.

My biggest fear is that despite going as far from society as I can in the middle of nowhere and drinking both bottles of it I'll still survive because that would be a living nightmare even without side effects. I'm tempted to just bring a rope to tie and then hang myself immediately after ingesting the SN but maybe I'm just worrying too much. I'm 195 pounds and 6'' tall so it's not like I'm morbidly obese so if 50 is too low I'd be extremely surprised.

Would rather go just lying down and staring at the sky just like I lived my life, lying down while nearly everyone I ever cared about took advantage of me and ruined every dream I had ever had.

I guess I do have one plan other than that though, bothering to bring my suicide note with me because honestly, I couldn't care less if anyone reads it because the only people who even remotely understand me are the people on this forum who struggle through this existence as well.

I'm 34 and I have no idea how people make it past 40, either they are extremely lucky or ruthless and I'm neither of those things.

 

[lnlybnny]

I've also been through this before and right now.

Your CTB date (if you decide on that) might be a lot further than you think. In the meantime you are allowed to make the best of things including making those 'stupid plans' that involve future you. Please don't feel stupid, you are just doing what any other person would do.

It seems counterintuitive because I know my plans should be about ctb not about going on with life, you know?

 

[Sgrodolo]

This is how I got about life in the last months, I would prepare the plan to CTB but also I would prepare in case the plan failed (which isn't a bad assumption considering my recordings of failed attempts) so that I wouldn't be unprepared, hell this time might br the good one bc I will have SN but I'm still studying like crazy for an exam I'll probably die before doing or organising for an event I'll die before attending

 

[nasigoreng99]

The only plan I have is to open the mailbox in a week, open my package, drive out into the middle of nowhere, mix it with water, take it, then sleep forever hopefully. I used to make plans but I just don't care to anymore, life is just too cruel and disgusting to me to want any part of it anymore. On the outside everything can seem great but deep down people are monstrous and selfish and I desire nothing to do with this "life" anymore if you can even call it that. I wore my heart on my sleeve for 30+ years and what did I get for it? A rollercoaster of ups and downs with downs being so particularly nasty that each time I experienced one it killed a bit of me inside. After enough trauma I just stopped caring, then I got pushed over the edge and instead of just wanting to CTB I feel the NEED to CTB because to live any longer in this existence than I have to sounds like a living hell.

My goal is to CTB in October but my SN should be here within two weeks so I'm not sure I'll even make it that far.

My biggest fear is that despite going as far from society as I can in the middle of nowhere and drinking both bottles of it I'll still survive because that would be a living nightmare even without side effects. I'm tempted to just bring a rope to tie and then hang myself immediately after ingesting the SN but maybe I'm just worrying too much. I'm 195 pounds and 6'' tall so it's not like I'm morbidly obese so if 50 is too low I'd be extremely surprised.

Would rather go just lying down and staring at the sky just like I lived my life, lying down while nearly everyone I ever cared about took advantage of me and ruined every dream I had ever had.

I guess I do have one plan other than that though, bothering to bring my suicide note with me because honestly, I couldn't care less if anyone reads it because the only people who even remotely understand me are the people on this forum who struggle through this existence as well.

I'm 34 and I have no idea how people make it past 40, either they are extremely lucky or ruthless and I'm neither of those things.

I'm sorry you have to suffer my friend. I'm also 34 and I don't know how people make it past 40.

Please if you are going with SN, please follow the protocol for higher chance of success. I hope this will be the last attempt for you and you will find your peace soon.

Best of luck

 

[Forever Sleep]

Unless we have a date fixed and are 100% confident about our method- and who actually is? It actually makes more sense to me to try and live so that things don't get worse! That's what most of my life is about. Things like getting a hair cut or buying new clothes are self care things to try and keep us going. I suppose it depends on your tactics. Some people seem to want to back themselves into desperate situations where they feel forced to CTB. I don't fancy going out like that though. I don't want to feel panicked into doing it. I'd rather reluctantly tread water as best I can until I don't need to.

 

[Cuecumber]

This is why I'm planning to afflict myself with a terminal illness such as cancer, because I want to be able to entertain my SI, but don't want it to stop me from dying at any moment. I just... wanna live happily and then die immediately after randomly so I don't have to fear it the entire time beforehand.

 

[Reflection]

I used to do such things as a way to "look forward to something" and distract myself, basically chasing after some dopamine...last time I did it I went on a shopping spree on Steam and bought a shitton of games I know I would never play. That kind of made me realize what I'm doing and so I refunded everything and stopped doing these kinds of things. Now I just do basic self care stuff until I'm sure about when and how I'll be going away.

 

[badK9wolf]

bought the SN but still applying for jobs. just trying to see what way things turn out.