Wanted to wait until after Christmas

[SuffrInSilence]

I think that my family will be able to recover and be happy again one day after I CTB, but I know it won't be easy. Grief never is.
I wanted to wait until after Christmas, Maybe like February, because I don't want every future Christmas to remind them of the fact I killed myself. Also, as pathetic as this sounds… I bought presents. Presents they will like.
But God, I don't know if I can do it anymore. I slept 14 hours last night and woke up tired. I'm so goddamn tired in my bones and it never stops and I don't know if I can make it.

I have a plan. Something fast. Not painless but fast and Guaranteed. And it's getting so hard to wait to do it properly. Every day I get closer to something stupid that I know probably won't work, like cutting my wrists. I just need it to stop so badly.

I've been telling myself that no matter when I die, how old I am, it will hurt them. Whether I'm in my 20s, or 70s, it will hurt someone, so it isn't me doing something bad to make it happen now. But I can't do it at Christmas.


And my dog will be really sad. He mourned when the cat died. He won't understand.
Fuck, I don't know. I just want it to be over.

 

[jodes2]

I wish you *could* delay it, things might change, you never know but nevertheless, understand your pain and urgency completely sorry you're suffering

 

[September Salt]

Try to hang in there. You don't want to ruin their Christmas, and every one after that.

 

[theboy]

Hugs!

 

[BipolarExpress]

I hope you're able to hang in there as long as you can, though I know it's hard. Take it a day at a time and see how you feel.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand feeling so tired of everything and wanting to leave this life behind so badly, the kind of tiredness that I feel is one that no amount of sleep could ever bring me relief from. I get that it must be hard to deal with feeling like you have to wait when all that you wish for is to be gone and your feelings of wanting to leave this world are understandable. I hope that when the time is right you find the freedom that you wish for.