Venting want to shoot myself badly but don't have access to a shotgun

[anhedonic_moron]

have seen images and videos of people shooting themselves and while although it's messy and gruesome, it's relaxing in a way by providing 100 percent certainty. it's instantaneous, knocks you out quick but i live in a country where firearms are mostly banned and inaccessible. The only means of obtaining any firearm is via a lengthy bureaucratic process with big obstacles to go through which obviously am already invalidated due to me registering to a therapist and "pyschological center" even if lets say one were to go through all the bureaucratic hurdles, all they could realistically obtain is a low calibre hunting gun something that wouldn't guarantee absolute death. all and all it sucks, don't want to stab myself or hang myself again. if guns are an option, am taking it in a heartbeat

 

[wordsoutb4sumnelsin]

god, our world so sucks... this therapist here that did manage to get a gun, and is NOT forgetting how many can't and how fortunate I am... IDK, I'm just sorry, and have tried to have y'all be part of the motivation to get to feeling brave and not afraid to pull the trigger when it's time. Not worth much to you, but solidarity I guess fwiw

 

[interna]

you mention seeing vids. maybe a weird question but just out of curiosity would you ever record your death as well? if i ever shot myself i probably would tbh.
read a thread here a few days ago where the OP basically said jumping specifically is great because people can record and you can be useful for once in your life (that is producing gore content) and got reminded of it.

that aside i can relate to your frustration. it could be so easy and yet it isnt all bc people think suicide isn't a right.

 

[TheOneFreeDude]

May I ask what is the motivation behind your will to CTB?

 

[anhedonic_moron]

you mention seeing vids. maybe a weird question but just out of curiosity would you ever record your death as well? if i ever shot myself i probably would tbh.
read a thread here a few days ago where the OP basically said jumping specifically is great because people can record and you can be useful for once in your life (that is producing gore content) and got reminded of it.

that aside i can relate to your frustration. it could be so easy and yet it isnt all bc people think suicide isn't a right.

no, though i do sometimes fantasize about doing a live stream with a shotgun angled towards me but no. seeing gore sites before and how edgy and just down right annoying both certain videos and comments can get, turned me off to the idea. not to mention that it would be somewhat embarrassing if i failed my attempt then that video will forever haunt me if i managed to not decide to CTB. just won't give ammunition to those edgelords. the sad part is that gore doesn't amount to anything. it's junk, in other words, it's useless. so in a sense one is not contributing to anything if their death is recorded other than shallow edginess and maybe, just maybe landing on the homepage of a whatever ad infested gore site.

curious to ask but why would you probably record yourself? what is your own motivation behind it?

May I ask what is the motivation behind your will to CTB?

so many things really, wasted childhood, no social or romantic life, any chance for university is slim to none, transitioning to 9 to 5 work, dead weight on others, dysfunctional family, foreigner in a sense, etcetera, etcetera. can go on really, what about you? what is your motivation for CTB?

 

[TheOneFreeDude]

no, though i do sometimes fantasize about doing a live stream with a shotgun angled towards me but no. seeing gore sites before and how edgy and just down right annoying both certain videos and comments can get, turned me off to the idea. not to mention that it would be somewhat embarrassing if i failed my attempt then that video will forever haunt me if i managed to not decide to CTB. just won't give ammunition to those edgelords. the sad part is that gore doesn't amount to anything. it's junk, in other words, it's useless. so in a sense one is not contributing to anything if their death is recorded other than shallow edginess and maybe, just maybe landing on the homepage of a whatever ad infested gore site.

curious to ask but why would you probably record yourself? what is your own motivation behind it?

so many things really, wasted childhood, no social or romantic life, any chance for university is slim to none, transitioning to 9 to 5 work, dead weight on others, dysfunctional family, foreigner in a sense, etcetera, etcetera. can go on really, what about you? what is your motivation for CTB?

I'm losing my relationship, which is pretty much the only thing here keeping me here. It's going quick, and I can't help but feel helpless. I probably won't CTB anytime soon though because I don't want my parents (especially my mother) and sister to go back to full blown depression and potentially ruin their lives.

 

[anhedonic_moron]

I'm losing my relationship, which is pretty much the only thing here keeping me here. It's going quick, and I can't help but feel helpless. I probably won't CTB anytime soon though because I don't want my parents (especially my mother) and sister to go back to full blown depression and potentially ruin their lives.

sorry to hear, hope that there could be a possibility for you to get out of this mess. when did it all start? sorry if am bothering

 

[TheOneFreeDude]

I've had suicidal ideation since 2018, my last relationship. I also started drinking around that time, which eventually led to me heavy drinking every single day until a couple of months ago. We met by a mutual friend on a trip, and it felt like heaven.
As is natural, people change across the relationship. She has changed, I have changed, our worldviews, opinions and ideals have changed, and I feel like she just deserves someone better (than me at least). I've had a number of suicide attempts across my relationship, which have simultaneously fucked up my brain and given me a taste of how it might feel like if I wasn't found each and every single time.
Due to the last try, I had to go through a cold-turkey benzo withdrawal, which has helped fuck what remained of my wits. It's mostly over, but it's never 100% over.
And here I am. Shaking with anxiety, feeling helpless and in despair of losing the one thing that gave meaning to my life.

 

[anhedonic_moron]

I've had suicidal ideation since 2018, my last relationship. I also started drinking around that time, which eventually led to me heavy drinking every single day until a couple of months ago. We met by a mutual friend on a trip, and it felt like heaven.
As is natural, people change across the relationship. She has changed, I have changed, our worldviews, opinions and ideals have changed, and I feel like she just deserves someone better (than me at least). I've had a number of suicide attempts across my relationship, which have simultaneously fucked up my brain and given me a taste of how it might feel like if I wasn't found each and every single time.
Due to the last try, I had to go through a cold-turkey benzo withdrawal, which has helped fuck what remained of my wits. It's mostly over, but it's never 100% over.
And here I am. Shaking with anxiety, feeling helpless and in despair of losing the one thing that gave meaning to my life.

you've gone through a lot, this has teared me a bit, really wish you can get out of this somehow, some way. not to act and or sound like those pro lifers but even you said it ain't 100 percent over, wish you nothing but the best brother

 

[interna]

curious to ask but why would you probably record yourself? what is your own motivation behind it?

archival, mostly, although i am aware it would eventually be lost. i like to keep a document of important events in my life, and i'd argue my death is the most important lol.
your point is extremely valid, yeah.

 

[executed]

i'm facing the same issue, i don't think i will ever be able to buy any firearms. might just go to a shooting range and do it there

 

[anhedonic_moron]

archival, mostly, although i am aware it would eventually be lost. i like to keep a document of important events in my life, and i'd argue my death is the most important lol.
your point is extremely valid, yeah.

ah never thought it like that! are you going to live stream or just let it be recorded until someone finds out?

i'm facing the same issue, i don't think i will ever be able to buy any firearms. might just go to a shooting range and do it there

honestly, it's best to stay out of shooting ranges since they do implement measures to ensure one can't shoot yourself like either showing proof that your "mentally stable" require someone to accompany you, guns being hold up to those safety bands to purposely limit movemet, etcetera.

 

[kuroshimi]

If I had a gun of any kind, I probably would already be dead. It's reliable and quick.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I need to grow a pair and buy that shotgun. It's easy where I live. I should be grateful for it. The violence of it scares me but you wouldn't even register it. It's too fast. A shotgun is the closest thing to euthanasia. An end-your-life button. I'm just too scared to interact with another human. It's ridiculous.