Venting Want to kill myself but nervous about Grandma

[Raine Meadows]

Sometimes people push me over the edge, and today is one of those days. I feel like killing myself on one hand, but on the other, my grandma is still alive, and she loves me. While we don't speak the same language, I can tell she genuinely loves me. Today I broke down, and she comforted me; she even showed me a picture of me as a child. How do I get over the possible guilt should I choose to CTB?
I feel like killing myself is the ONLY agency I'll ever have in my life.

 

[indianachrome]

I can relate. I have elderly father and teenage kids. It's awful existing and not being able to exit without crushing them.

 

[femoidcell]

Sometimes people push me over the edge, and today is one of those days. I feel like killing myself on one hand, but on the other, my grandma is still alive, and she loves me. While we don't speak the same language, I can tell she genuinely loves me. Today I broke down, and she comforted me; she even showed me a picture of me as a child. How do I get over the possible guilt should I choose to CTB?
I feel like killing myself is the ONLY agency I'll ever have in my life.

I fully understand this. I have an unbreakable bond with my grandmother even though I struggle with pretty bad ideation,, i'm here for you. and I see you *hugs*