Want to die, worried about impact on my children

[Givingupandgivingin]

I'm absolutely worn down.

I'm married. I'm gay. I told my husband I was gay when I realised (compulsory heterosexuality did a number on me) and he made me have more sex. This is ongoing. He's very angry with me and it's been five years. Every time we have sex I want to die more.

No one is supportive of my sexuality. I have two kids. I just don't want to carry on. I can't see any good options from this point forwards. My kids are good kids and are doing well. I know it is selfish to kill myself but I'm so tired of feeling afraid in my own home and guilty and ashamed about my sexuality, which is how my husband makes me feel.

I had a close friend in a similar position to me and she died of terminal cancer in July. A massive part of me envies her and she was also not sad to die. Four weeks from diagnosis to death. What a dream.

I have a method. I know where I'd do it.
How do I get over that last hope that things might get better when they absolutely won't unless someone can magic me straight? Just to be clear, I only have issue with myself being gay because of the hurt and damage it is causing my family. If I'd realised before I got married and had kids I think I'd feel differently.
Sex isn't going to improve. It will always feel like a violation.
I have no real friends. I have no supportive extended family. I have very angry and bitter husband and two great kids.

How do I push through that last bit of hope acceptance? I'm done.

 

[Sulyya]

Can you make it until they're adults?

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Can you make it until they're adults?

No.
That is another 10 years.
I am hopeful that at some point even if I take no action then my body will step in anyway.

My bmi is 18 and I'm not eating and I'm losing weight. I constantly feel tired and my heart is too fast. I am burning myself. At some point surely nature will kick in and I'll die of something anyway. I got called back for a biopsy two years ago after a smear test and I've not gone back so I'm hoping that I'll just die at some point.
Maybe it would be less traumatic for my kids if it were a 'natural' death.

 

[Sulyya]

Not sure what you've tried..I wish I had the life experience to help more. Therapy, couples or solo where you can explain the situation with someone who has maybe encountered this could possibly help to find an easier path.

Or maybe something like an open marriage, which will carry other risks but maybe leave you both more satisfied as long as it doesn't come into the home.

I hope you find a solution. I'm also worried about the impact of suicide on children.

 

[d3ad]

I'm absolutely worn down.

I'm married. I'm gay. I told my husband I was gay when I realised (compulsory heterosexuality did a number on me) and he made me have more sex. This is ongoing. He's very angry with me and it's been five years. Every time we have sex I want to die more.

No one is supportive of my sexuality. I have two kids. I just don't want to carry on. I can't see any good options from this point forwards. My kids are good kids and are doing well. I know it is selfish to kill myself but I'm so tired of feeling afraid in my own home and guilty and ashamed about my sexuality, which is how my husband makes me feel.

I had a close friend in a similar position to me and she died of terminal cancer in July. A massive part of me envies her and she was also not sad to die. Four weeks from diagnosis to death. What a dream.

I have a method. I know where I'd do it.
How do I get over that last hope that things might get better when they absolutely won't unless someone can magic me straight? Just to be clear, I only have issue with myself being gay because of the hurt and damage it is causing my family. If I'd realised before I got married and had kids I think I'd feel differently.
Sex isn't going to improve. It will always feel like a violation.
I have no real friends. I have no supportive extended family. I have very angry and bitter husband and two great kids.

How do I push through that last bit of hope acceptance? I'm done.

Gosh, I am so sorry. This is such a horrible situation to be in. I really hope that you get relief and your pain is alleviated.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

My husband says I have sex with him or we split up and it'll all be my fault.
Those are my 'options.'
I don't want to live anymore. I would like there to be something to make me feel differently but I've struggled for half a decade with this now.
I just want it to stop. If I could stop it without dying I would but I can't.

 

[Randy Savage]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. As a queer person who's also been pushed by society into heteronormativity, your story absolutely breaks my heart.
I can't discern exactly what type of support you are looking for, but here's my two cents:
You have something to live for, period. This life is yours to live, and I want you to sincerely think about what are leaving behind, regardless of your actual choice. I don't know you so I can't say for sure but your messages give me the impression you are a kind, genuine, and misunderstood person who doesn't deserve death.
If you choose life, I would suggest divorcing your husband. It will be hard, but a marriage between two people should never inspire feelings of shame and sadness such as it has in yours.
I truly wish you the best. This is a truly tough situation that nobody should ever be forced to go through. Don't feel selfish if you make the difficult choice, but also don't forget how much you have to live for and the options you have to change your situation in life.

 

[d3ad]

My husband says I have sex with him or we split up and it'll all be my fault.
Those are my 'options.'
I don't want to live anymore. I would like there to be something to make me feel differently but I've struggled for half a decade with this now.
I just want it to stop. If I could stop it without dying I would but I can't.

That is sexual coercion. I am so sorry that you have to deal with such a horrific situation. It is understandable why you feel like that. You deserve to be safe, and to live a life without pain and suffering.

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

I'm sorry for you , Maybe a stupid question but why can't you leave him?

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I can't afford to. I stupidly gave up work for a while when I had the children. I'm back now but I don't earn anywhere near what my husband does.
My parents disapprove of me being gay. I'm an only child and I half thought when they weren't around anymore maybe that would be the time to leave and come out - also because they have always said they would leave me a fairly sizeable amount of money (I know it's theirs and no guarantees, I don't mean to come across as entitled or callous) but they've since taken me out of their will when I told them I was gay. Everything will go to my children instead.

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

Thats fucked up. Two things come to my mind, first you seem to be a very considerate person, so im sure your kids will miss you terribly. That said i dont want to guilt trip you into anything! Second thought is, you know what you want. You want to be free, live your sexuality and be around your kids. Its easily said from the outside, but maybe its worth the risk of leaving him, working + childsupport so you and your family are fine and try to make it work.
Wishing you the best

 

[NoPointOfReturning]

If you do plan to go through with it, leave some memorabilia for your kids. I hope you get through this, i'm rooting for you! <3

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Thank you.
Everyone is very kind.

When I do take my own life it will be ok to post on here until I'm gone?
I don't know how long it will take, maybe minutes. It's scary. I'd like to feel less alone.

 

[willitpass]

There are many organizations, at least in the US, that can help you find better paying jobs, places to stay, child care, legal support, etc. when leaving a toxic marriage. Many offer therapy as well to help you emotionally. To leave your children, as I'm sure you know, is something they will never recover from. I think the best option would be to link up with resources to allow you to leave your husband and get back on your feet for the sake of your children. You absolutely shouldn't have to stay with him but I really think it's so so important for your children for you to do everything you can to stay with them.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I don't know. I read stuff that said kids handle bereavement better than divorce. At least it's done. Divorce - the constant back and forth and I know it wouldn't be amicable - he may well introduce a new woman and step siblings (I would never do this, in my experience blended families don't work). I mean I guess he could do that when I'm dead anyway but at least my kids will be there full time. They'll have one home.

It's all my fault. If I could just make myself be straight or at least able to tolerate the sex it would maybe be ok. I know it doesn't work like that but that's what I want. I want to be able to stay and tolerate it and I can't.
So I feel like my only option is death.

 

[Edistrying]

im so sorry for this situation. i know that you think you can't leave your husband but i really think that you should try, even if you have to pass hungry some days, find a job only to get food, even if still feel guilty and its goes bad, you could do it then

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

I don't know. I read stuff that said kids handle bereavement better than divorce. At least it's done. Divorce - the constant back and forth and I know it wouldn't be amicable - he may well introduce a new woman and step siblings (I would never do this, in my experience blended families don't work). I mean I guess he could do that when I'm dead anyway but at least my kids will be there full time. They'll have one home.

Thats a silly thought. Your kids would like you to be around, even divorced, over you not being around at all a thousand times over.

It's all my fault. If I could just make myself be straight or at least able to tolerate the sex it would maybe be ok. I know it doesn't work like that but that's what I want. I want to be able to stay and tolerate it and I can't.
So I feel like my only option is death.

This hurts to read. Your sexuality is not your fault, its not a fault at all it just is what it is! as @willitpass said, depending on where you are from you have many options to change your life if you choose to.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

My husband will present it as being my fault to my children.
He is understandably angry with me.

My children would prefer to have two parents, together. That would be the best thing for them. If I can't do that then I think it's better I'm not around anymore.

 

[willitpass]

I know people who lost a parent to suicide. None of them are okay. I know many, many people (myself included) who have divorced parents. Many are just fine. I know you're struggling horribly, and I'm so sorry. But please, for the sake of your children, try to find yourself a better situation and work to get better before deciding to put them through an unimaginable loss.

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

My husband will present it as being my fault to my children.
He is understandably angry with me.

My children would prefer to have two parents, together. That would be the best thing for them. If I can't do that then I think it's better I'm not around anymore.

Hes an inconsiderate asshole if hes forcing you to have sex with him even tho you hate it. Who cares about his opinion? This is about you and your wellbeeing as well as your kids.
Think about yourself and your kids first. I think they need you way more than a "stable, conventional" household

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Womens Refuge. He is abusing you. There's a lot of support out there, but I don't know what country you're in.

I've been in your situation, and it will never get better. Killing yourself isn't the answer, you can have a good life. I've been there, it does get better. Once you're out of that situation and process everything, it does.

I can't tell you to leave (with your kids, naturally), but it seems that's your only option at this point. Killing yourself isn't. You may not like to hear this, but it is best to be honest, your kids are relying on you. You are their mother. They NEED you, you are responsible for them. Leave them, and you will fuck them up for life, especially leaving them with him.

Do what's right for yourself and your children. Yes, it is hard, very hard, but it will be worth it in the end.

Please be safe

I wish you the best

 

[d3ad]

Thank you.
Everyone is very kind.

When I do take my own life it will be ok to post on here until I'm gone?
I don't know how long it will take, maybe minutes. It's scary. I'd like to feel less alone.

You can post as much as you want here. Consider this a safe space. You are definitely not alone, we are here for you.