Want to die but I am afraid of it

[Appletree]

Hello everyone

As the title says I am want to die as soon as possible but I have not the balls to do it. Every morning I wake and think "Why did you wake up and not just died?" Then I vegetate the whole day on youtube till its night. And circle starts again.

I attempted once a suicide attempt but chickened out in the end. I put my head on a train track going for decapitation but ran away when the train was 20 seconds away. ( I know this method is very shitty for the train driver and am not trying it again)

Now my plan is to use CO poisining but deep in my hard I know I wont be able to do this actually.

Do you guys have similar struggles?

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, to be gone from this world is ideal to me yet of course leaving this life behind is not easy. The difficulty of suicide is the only real reason as to why I still exist. It's tiring how things are this way, if only we lived in a world where N is more easily accessible, as if that was the case suicidal people wouldn't have to suffer so much in planning to leave this world.

 

[sundown12]

i've just been thinking about this. like rn I have an opportunity to buy things for my OD but I chickened out and decided to spend money on useless stuff instead. every morning I wake up and I ask myself why the fuck am I still alive? I know that I can't live with myself, yet I'm still here wasting my time and prolonging the inevitable.

 

[Appletree]

i've just been thinking about this. like rn I have an opportunity to buy things for my OD but I chickened out and decided to spend money on useless stuff instead. every morning I wake up and I ask myself why the fuck am I still alive? I know that I can't live with myself, yet I'm still here wasting my time and prolonging the inevitable.

For what stands OD? Is it a synonym for ctb?

Then a guess we have something in common. Its really fucked up. I wish I would have the courage to end it now. But it is just impossible. Maybe a mirracle is happening this night.

 

[CarpeJugulum]

everyone is probably afraid, the way I see it is that wanting to die is a logical choice while fearing it is emotional - and i value logic more. Most methods when you can back out at any moment are pretty bad, since SI can and will take over

 

[Appletree]

I understand, to be gone from this world is ideal to me yet of course leaving this life behind is not easy. The difficulty of suicide is the only real reason as to why I still exist. It's tiring how things are this way, if only we lived in a world where N is more easily accessible, as if that was the case suicidal people wouldn't have to suffer so much in planning to leave this world

The crazy thing is that there is always the theoretical possibility to commit suicide.(brutal suicide like jumping). But overcoming the fears is so incredibly difficult. For my case even with N or Sn I am not sure if I could actually do it. I want to be dead but I am afraid of dieing. It is so ridiculous.

 

[sundown12]

For what stands OD? Is it a synonym for ctb?

Then a guess we have something in common. Its really fucked up. I wish I would have the courage to end it now. But it is just impossible. Maybe a mirracle is happening this night.

OD is overdose
tbh the fact that i'm being such a coward about it just makes me hate myself even more. some people just go for it and they don't care if it's painful or not, they just want out asap

 

[IntoTheLight]

The crazy thing is that there is always the theoretical possibility to commit suicide.(brutal suicide like jumping). But overcoming the fears is so incredibly difficult. For my case even with N or Sn I am not sure if I could actually do it. I want to be dead but I am afraid of dieing. It is so ridiculous.

What scares me the most is that the theoretical possibility seems so far out of reach. I wouldn't know any good location for jumping without risking survival. Same with trains. I used to think suicide should be so easy but it might be the hardest thing anyone ever does. It's definitely not taking the "easy way out" like some people say, staying alive and suffering is the easy way.