Discussion Want to die, but feel sad to damage my body

[fillthevoid]

I have wanted to CBT for several years but kept clinging, thinking things could improve. They haven't, and I really would like to CBT now because there doesn't seem any point in continuing to suffer for another 10 years only to come to the same conclusion, which is by far the most likely outcome..

However. For many years I've had this thing about my body, this sort of compassion for it, for everything it's done for me over the years despite the abuse I threw at it when I was younger, for how it tries it best to keep going and how much it wants to live. As soon as I knew I wanted children, well since then I always tried to eat well, kept my body in good condition so that I could be in the best shape possible for that time to be able to give my children the very best start in life (just incase the time ever came - which I see now that it won't).

The thought of damaging my body, of hurting it somehow, it feels wrong and it feels like a betrayal?

I really want to die, but I feel so bad for my body that I have tried so hard to care for and trained myself to have compassion for. And there obviously isn't a nice way to CBT that isn't putting your body through distress, or overwhelming it, or simply restricting it's function so that it panics and eventually fails.

I don't know. I really want to die. Like I wish I could just kill my brain and give my body to somebody else to look after who will appreciate it. If that makes sense? I just feel bad for it and like it deserves better after all that it's done for me over the years.

Anyone know what I mean? Or is this just me?

 

[CommitSudoku]

Yes I completely relate to this. My body has some issues but I don't believe it deserves the torture I put it through. Constant anxiety makes me nauseous so sometimes in the past I wouldn't even eat (I'm fasting now too and wish I didn't have to put my body through the discomfort). Over my teenage years I ingested so many things that shouldn't be ingested that I wonder if my kidneys or other organs could be swiss cheese. And yet my body goes on. My body is too good for the mind it's been stuck with. I wish I could achieve brain death. I honestly think my body would flourish without my mind attached to it. Or if nothing else it could better serve someone else even if it's just my organs that work too well for my own good.

I wish I could have given my heart to my uncle who passed. I wish he was alive in place of me. I feel bad for my body being dragged along for the ride since my mind does not permit living. It's not just you. I wish so much someone else could be helped with my body and that it didn't have to die with me.

 

[wellherewego]

I completely relate to this. I feel like this is pretty basic SI… we want to escape mental pain but nobody wants to ravage their body more than necessary. I'd love to just fall asleep but unfortunately most of us don't have that luxury.

 

[magicalsarcoma]

Interesting. My attitude to my body is the opposite. I've multiple sclerosis, my immune system decided to kill itself, hah. Previously, this body gave me quite a lot of problems and pain, so in the old days, for lack of an opportunity to somehow express my dissatisfaction, i gave this body pain in various ways in response. Now i realized that I'm lucky that i don't feel sorry for my body, it's convenient

 

[Hirokami]

I can relate to this to a degree. I don't hate my body in a sense where I believe it deserves to be mutilated or damaged beyond what's necessary. And I wouldn't want my loved ones to see my mangled body (even though I wouldn't be aware of the fact). Rather, I would want to look like I'm sleeping.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm in a little different boat with this, sort of. I've taken care of my body in some part, and I've hurt it some, too. My body isn't really mine, though. I know it's the only one I have. I guess some of this depends on what we consider "us". Is our body "us"? Or, is it our brain that is "us"? For those that are religious, is it our soul that is "us"? Is it all of it that is "us"? If they're incongruent with each other, which part is "us"? I don't hate my body, per say, and, I guess, it's done the best job it could for me, even though it's in conflict with the other part that makes me, me. Depending on how it's looked at, ctb, for at least some of me, will bring peace to one or the other, but not both. However, for just one to go is not possible, so the other will be a sacrifice, I guess. Hard to explain, I guess.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is understandable not wanting to go through the dying process, I just want to pass away peacefully in my sleep. I fear a painful dying process and I think that for me, the main thing holding me back from ctb is the fear of failure, I do not want to be trapped in a worse quality of life and cause any more damage to my body.

However, the way that I see it, when I die there will be no more me. We will all die eventually, all life is so temporary and meaningless and all that I want is to escape this body and be free from all suffering.