anesthetized
I want drugs
- Jun 8, 2025
- 17
my favorite part of the day is going to sleep. i enjoy being so drowsy that i cant be bothered to care about anything, its comforting.
i enjoy dreaming and i usually dont have nightmares. if i have bad dreams they're usually sad or even devastating, but never scary. those are infrequent as well.
i really hope to lucid dream some day. i think i've partially lucid dreamt once, or maybe i was dreaming about lucid dreaming, who knows. it would be nice to have control. if i could make myself grow wings and fly into a star, i could probably manipulate my own emotions too. i could make myself ecstatic and hang out with pinkie pie. some day i bet itll happen, hopefully it wont be sleep paralysis.
however, waking up is always jarring. unless i have somewhere to be, somewhere that actually matters. for example when i began to become disillusioned with religion, i made up excuses not to attend church. usually, for school, which i take very seriously, i can bolt out of bed as soon as i hear my alarm ring. it's a good way to prevent drowsiness and laziness. however, later in the school year i began to slow down and look for reasons to stay home and sleep. now that school is out, im on a long-term "weekend" schedule. i have an alarm set for 9 am, with another set at about 11:30 incase i forget to take my meds between 9 and 11:30 (doing so would be extremely painful). however, despite such a noble wake time, i rarely get up when it rings. now, i just snooze it and every 9 minutes it rings again and i snooze it once more. this goes on for about 2 hours. i then check the time and either the anxiety of waking up past noon, the urge to shit or piss or a phone call helps me out of bed.
i hate waking up. i hate being aware of my situation. i hate feeling the things i feel in the morning that last throughout the day. i hate waking up in a sick and aching body. i wish i could sleep forever, or rather, remain in the drowsy, terminal state i love so much. every night, i wish i could be sleepy a little longer without falling asleep. when im drowsy, it feels like everything loves me.
i enjoy dreaming and i usually dont have nightmares. if i have bad dreams they're usually sad or even devastating, but never scary. those are infrequent as well.
i really hope to lucid dream some day. i think i've partially lucid dreamt once, or maybe i was dreaming about lucid dreaming, who knows. it would be nice to have control. if i could make myself grow wings and fly into a star, i could probably manipulate my own emotions too. i could make myself ecstatic and hang out with pinkie pie. some day i bet itll happen, hopefully it wont be sleep paralysis.
however, waking up is always jarring. unless i have somewhere to be, somewhere that actually matters. for example when i began to become disillusioned with religion, i made up excuses not to attend church. usually, for school, which i take very seriously, i can bolt out of bed as soon as i hear my alarm ring. it's a good way to prevent drowsiness and laziness. however, later in the school year i began to slow down and look for reasons to stay home and sleep. now that school is out, im on a long-term "weekend" schedule. i have an alarm set for 9 am, with another set at about 11:30 incase i forget to take my meds between 9 and 11:30 (doing so would be extremely painful). however, despite such a noble wake time, i rarely get up when it rings. now, i just snooze it and every 9 minutes it rings again and i snooze it once more. this goes on for about 2 hours. i then check the time and either the anxiety of waking up past noon, the urge to shit or piss or a phone call helps me out of bed.
i hate waking up. i hate being aware of my situation. i hate feeling the things i feel in the morning that last throughout the day. i hate waking up in a sick and aching body. i wish i could sleep forever, or rather, remain in the drowsy, terminal state i love so much. every night, i wish i could be sleepy a little longer without falling asleep. when im drowsy, it feels like everything loves me.
