Nortu
Longing for an ending
- Apr 7, 2023
- 90
In a way I dont want to ctb whilst still in this house. But for the possibilty to do so with no one directly around I'm at least have to wait until next autumn if I'm lucky. Student housing is the best shot I have of not being disturbed. My city is the second most expensive one in my country so its plenty expensive already. Students get it a bit cheaper. So I just have to hope I get into a study program next year and get a place.
Thing is, I feel so numbed and heavy that every day is just another one the same as the other ones. Been thinking and pretty much have my plan ready to go. But it would be rude of me to do it in the presence of someone else. At least the possibilty to survive is close to zero with hardly any medical help being usefull. It'll be a bit grusomme but thats just how its gotta be. As Long as it wont cause any uncomfortablenss to people not trained to see such.
Everyday Just feels heavy and unimportant. I dont want to be here anymore. Waiting for so Long feels painfull. Hoping I can last that Long so the guilt wont be more than it has to be. I dont know how people are able to live so Long and be content with it. Just the next few years seem too much, let alone several decades more. I'm fully ready that is true, now its all up to fill up the time until then. It just keeps being more and more difficult. Bad things and situations have kept on happening. Its all a letdown no matter if I interact with it or not. I've pretty much isolated myself more After around June and its been little difference. Still have contact with one sort of friend but mostly I kept sticking around cause no one Else prioriticed her when she needed it. I need it to fade out in due time just in case it can affect her mentally. I dont want that, she doesn't deserve the struggle she has already. Hoping she gets more close friends before I go so I'm sure she'll be alright.
And dont anyone come on here blabbering about how its early or that Things will change for me. I'm done. I cant do anything about my situation. I was thrown into a world of hate towards the likes of me. No matter how much I do it wont change how my body is, how others percieve me, what I have to mentally deal with because of it. I cant Even understand people and Therefore I'm alone. Always the reserve, the one easy to throw away when it suits them. I'm just usefull once in a while until I'm not again, the cycle repeats. If Things were different then maybe. If I wasnt doomed from birth then Surely there would have been a chance. But Its not and I'm ok with it. Life isn't for everyone
Thing is, I feel so numbed and heavy that every day is just another one the same as the other ones. Been thinking and pretty much have my plan ready to go. But it would be rude of me to do it in the presence of someone else. At least the possibilty to survive is close to zero with hardly any medical help being usefull. It'll be a bit grusomme but thats just how its gotta be. As Long as it wont cause any uncomfortablenss to people not trained to see such.
Everyday Just feels heavy and unimportant. I dont want to be here anymore. Waiting for so Long feels painfull. Hoping I can last that Long so the guilt wont be more than it has to be. I dont know how people are able to live so Long and be content with it. Just the next few years seem too much, let alone several decades more. I'm fully ready that is true, now its all up to fill up the time until then. It just keeps being more and more difficult. Bad things and situations have kept on happening. Its all a letdown no matter if I interact with it or not. I've pretty much isolated myself more After around June and its been little difference. Still have contact with one sort of friend but mostly I kept sticking around cause no one Else prioriticed her when she needed it. I need it to fade out in due time just in case it can affect her mentally. I dont want that, she doesn't deserve the struggle she has already. Hoping she gets more close friends before I go so I'm sure she'll be alright.
And dont anyone come on here blabbering about how its early or that Things will change for me. I'm done. I cant do anything about my situation. I was thrown into a world of hate towards the likes of me. No matter how much I do it wont change how my body is, how others percieve me, what I have to mentally deal with because of it. I cant Even understand people and Therefore I'm alone. Always the reserve, the one easy to throw away when it suits them. I'm just usefull once in a while until I'm not again, the cycle repeats. If Things were different then maybe. If I wasnt doomed from birth then Surely there would have been a chance. But Its not and I'm ok with it. Life isn't for everyone
