Venting Waiting for the SN Bus

[wanttodie12345]

I'm waiting for SN that tests pure enough. I'm having daily anxiety attacks about needing to survive just a little while longer. I want to get on the bus last week! Instead, I'm here obsessing over stories of success and failure that I can't verify. Hoping and praying that I will succeed relatively peacefully when it's my turn. I think I've read enough to decide on my plan. But the waiting! What do you do to pass the time? I'm disabled, so it's not like I can go out and enjoy anything for the last time. I've been unable to focus on TV or entertaining reading for months. My life is not a life at all. How do you keep going when inside you've already given up? I am a ghost in my own life, but I can't let anyone around me know how I feel.

 

[Unknown21]

Personally, I do nothing, I just exist, besides music, browsing this forum and Reddit, sleeping and eating of course. I have no source of income to practice any hobbies, I suffer from poverty, I don't have the energy to do anything even. I just waste time overthinking and imagining myself ending my life.

 

[wanttodie12345]

Personally, I do nothing, I just exist, besides music, browsing this forum and Reddit, sleeping and eating of course. I have no source of income to practice any hobbies, I suffer from poverty, I don't have the energy to do anything even. I just waste time overthinking and imagining myself ending my life.

Same! I can't do music though, it's too triggering for me, makes me think of all I've lost. So here I am, browsing threads.
Do you have your method chosen yet?

 

[Unknown21]

Do you have your method chosen yet?

Yes, I have SN 98%, metoclopramide, propranolol, ibuprofen, 10 tablets of alprazolam (0.5mg).

 

[tiaralamb]

personally I try to stay unconscious for as long as possible using codeine or alcohol but when all else fails

- white noise in my headphones, turned up quite loud can help keep me from thinking too much whilst I do something that requires very little brain power like doing weird doodles or colouring pages

- watching an incredibly long video on YouTube on a topic that's interesting but I'm not at all emotionally invested in, pointless drama between creators is good for this

- cutting sheets of paper into tiny bits into a bowl, this one is a weird 'wtf?' one but hey that's what I do sometimes

- finding a random picture of an animal I like on Pinterest and try to draw it as best I can, always turns out crap, but oh well

- play easy, story heavy video games, idk what kind of machine you have or if you even like games but if you do you can download an n64 emulator on any phone/potato pc and play old games with nice music and no stupid ads or micro-transactions

- another wtf one but it helps when I'm feeling incredibly anxious, wrapping myself in a blanket and then putting something heavy like a segment of the couch on top, don't ask my why but being in a soft enclosed space makes it easier for me to stop noticing every second scrape by

- eating food until I feel physically ill. Warning: don't puke it up after. it'll fuck with your teeth. Sometimes it's just best to let the calories metabolise and ruin your life

that's it that's what I do for 'fun' (distraction) funny thing is I finally have SN but no anti-emetic so I'm just constantly tempted to try anyway but I'm so scared I'll just become really really sick and then be promptly institutionalised so

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you eventually find the peace you search for, best wishes. And I certainly understand that it's so dreadful and torturous suffering in this existence, I also feel so tired of it all, all I personally wish for is to finally cease existing and never suffer again.