Note: Do not reply to this post!
I am writing this to sort of write my feelings down and have a copy of them for me to look back on. I feel heavy too, but that has been like it for days now. I feel scared and afraid. I know my future is very gloomy and (hard)hitting. I messed things up. I kept doing that. But I had no other options. I had the choice to start from scratch and compete averagely for being mediocre or accept the fact that I had a mental issue and play the victim. I chose to play the victim. Even while writing this, when going through the words I write ( In my mind ), I feel like making the same choice of being the victim.
{ Logged out } - Kinda
{ Logged back in after about an hour or so } Things seem miserable. I am ready to put in the hard work to sort of turn things around and change the way it is but I am ambiguous about the other factors apart from hard work that are needed to get something turned in a success. There also seems to be this massive hurdle of Igniting the "want" to live. I know this is a contradictory statement if you read this post, since most of it is my agony over ambitious helplessness. But all of that is just vulgar ambition, It is not a will to live or be alive, in a humane way. Even better phrasing for my yearn to find a solution could be, ' Surviving because I have to '.
" Hard work and ambition are vulgar " - Patrick Melrose's father probably. ( I heard it from Patrick Melrose himself )
The world is also growing really fast with kids being so much better than how they once were. I feel lacking and behind when comparing myself to them. I don't want to and it's rude, but like I said,
' Survival '.
I wish for a long vacation sort of a thing where I could sit in my room and L.D.A.R. for a few months to prepare myself for facing shit. That's wishful thinking. Almost everything is wishful thinking in my head right now, because In order to change shit, I have to be hopeful. Being hopeful results in optimism, which #@ÂŁ&+ things up.
There's so much I want to say but am not able to. &#ÂŁ_.
Thank you so much for putting the time to read this.
Do not reply with anything, I can't write back for the most part.
Night!
Reactions are welcome though!
Night!
Bye!
I am writing this to sort of write my feelings down and have a copy of them for me to look back on. I feel heavy too, but that has been like it for days now. I feel scared and afraid. I know my future is very gloomy and (hard)hitting. I messed things up. I kept doing that. But I had no other options. I had the choice to start from scratch and compete averagely for being mediocre or accept the fact that I had a mental issue and play the victim. I chose to play the victim. Even while writing this, when going through the words I write ( In my mind ), I feel like making the same choice of being the victim.
{ Logged out } - Kinda
{ Logged back in after about an hour or so } Things seem miserable. I am ready to put in the hard work to sort of turn things around and change the way it is but I am ambiguous about the other factors apart from hard work that are needed to get something turned in a success. There also seems to be this massive hurdle of Igniting the "want" to live. I know this is a contradictory statement if you read this post, since most of it is my agony over ambitious helplessness. But all of that is just vulgar ambition, It is not a will to live or be alive, in a humane way. Even better phrasing for my yearn to find a solution could be, ' Surviving because I have to '.
" Hard work and ambition are vulgar " - Patrick Melrose's father probably. ( I heard it from Patrick Melrose himself )
The world is also growing really fast with kids being so much better than how they once were. I feel lacking and behind when comparing myself to them. I don't want to and it's rude, but like I said,
' Survival '.
I wish for a long vacation sort of a thing where I could sit in my room and L.D.A.R. for a few months to prepare myself for facing shit. That's wishful thinking. Almost everything is wishful thinking in my head right now, because In order to change shit, I have to be hopeful. Being hopeful results in optimism, which #@ÂŁ&+ things up.
There's so much I want to say but am not able to. &#ÂŁ_.
Thank you so much for putting the time to read this.
Do not reply with anything, I can't write back for the most part.
Night!
Reactions are welcome though!
Night!
Bye!
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