secretsfromthecity
To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.
- May 6, 2023
- 30
I am not going to make it to March. If I get confirmation that she's ( my ex's new gf) pregnant I'm driving myself off a cliff with a belt connected to the accelerator and I'll be pulling it from the backseat so there's more possibility of dying. I don't know fuckall. I'm my boss's bitch who does everything and gets no satisfaction. I fucking hate myself. He could've just fucking reached out not involve the fucking COPS AGAIN. IM ACTUALLY KEEPING IT ALL A FUCKING SECRET. I CANT FUCKING COPE. THE FUCKING WINE I GOT GIVES ME A FUCKING HEADACHE THE GYM IM AT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD BUT IM STILL FUCKING UGLY. IM SO FUCKIGN SORRY DUSTY . IF HE MAKES ME PAY THE 12K IM AGTUALLY GOING THROUGH WITH THIS. PLEASE DONT FUCKING MAKE ME PAY THAT. SHIT .
I hate my job. What will I do. Nothing. There is nothing to do.I can't escape. If I don't die I'll fucking be embarrassed. I can't cope anyway I want. I can't move. If I did. What then. Is there happiness on the other side. Literally..I miss something about nyc but I've seemed to forgotten it..I've been here too long to remember the smell of nyc ..it feels painful to breathe here. I can't listen to music it reminds me of them
I wish they were dead
It would be easier
I could stomp on their graves and give them flowers
I could burn myself
I don't think some people at work like me. The people who work with me the most. My manager doesn't seem to like me. I put her behind. Another one thinks I'm a worry rat. I can't keep my fucking head straight. Another one doesn't like me bc I don't like his friend who creeped on me and wrote on my car. I say that like it's a bad thing. But I can't be victim because I've done much worse..I keep doing worse..I keep hurting everyone. If this stupid RTO goes through..and what if I have to pay?? I'll go to fucking Norway. Forget about it for a hot second. And as soon as I land back home, I'll hurt myself one last time . Make sure to let everyone know it's not their fucking fault. It is his and mine.I know it is limerance. I know this is allll mental illness. I have tried to do outpatient program. I have tried every single thing to make me feel better. Nothing works ma'am. Even if I went back to my therapist, what would she say. Your life will be good. Ok? I don't want anything. I want to be a cloud. I want nothing and everything and power. I have no idea what I want. I want to kill I want to please FUCKTHEMALL. I know it's stupid to try to die again. But I'm over it. Over everything. Ok.
I hate my job. What will I do. Nothing. There is nothing to do.I can't escape. If I don't die I'll fucking be embarrassed. I can't cope anyway I want. I can't move. If I did. What then. Is there happiness on the other side. Literally..I miss something about nyc but I've seemed to forgotten it..I've been here too long to remember the smell of nyc ..it feels painful to breathe here. I can't listen to music it reminds me of them
I wish they were dead
It would be easier
I could stomp on their graves and give them flowers
I could burn myself
I don't think some people at work like me. The people who work with me the most. My manager doesn't seem to like me. I put her behind. Another one thinks I'm a worry rat. I can't keep my fucking head straight. Another one doesn't like me bc I don't like his friend who creeped on me and wrote on my car. I say that like it's a bad thing. But I can't be victim because I've done much worse..I keep doing worse..I keep hurting everyone. If this stupid RTO goes through..and what if I have to pay?? I'll go to fucking Norway. Forget about it for a hot second. And as soon as I land back home, I'll hurt myself one last time . Make sure to let everyone know it's not their fucking fault. It is his and mine.I know it is limerance. I know this is allll mental illness. I have tried to do outpatient program. I have tried every single thing to make me feel better. Nothing works ma'am. Even if I went back to my therapist, what would she say. Your life will be good. Ok? I don't want anything. I want to be a cloud. I want nothing and everything and power. I have no idea what I want. I want to kill I want to please FUCKTHEMALL. I know it's stupid to try to die again. But I'm over it. Over everything. Ok.
