Venting venting/iop/does it get better

[marcelinevampqueen]

i lost my job from being too depressed. i've been lying to my mother abt still having a job. my partner wants to support me but he's already so overworked. i almost got hospitalized a second time but avoided it by saying i would voluntarily do an IOP program. i rly dont want to. i cant make a living in this mental state. i contemplated ctb off the parking garage of my job almost every morning.

group therapy, individual therapy, on and off different medications. these cbt dbt worksheets and shit don't do anything for me. i feel like ive exhausted all my resources and im doomed to die. i feel too self aware and unsure of myself and crazy and not crazy but just faking it and my brain is constantly looping this back to me every day.

no job, losing money, no desire to make plans for my future. none of my family likes me. no will to live. im not even convinced my feelings are real. i think im a fundamentally lazy useless person.

i hate myself so much. i'm a lazy addict failure that only finds joy in getting fucked up. i feel like my own brain is constantly torturing me.

 

[marcelinevampqueen]

I've been in IOP 3 hours, 3 days a week for a few weeks now. some things have been helpful. sometimes it doesn't feel very helpful. i've been encouraged to sit w my emotions more but i feel like doing so i always just come back to the same conclusion that theres no answer besides leaving. as long as i'm alive i won't ever feel like i dont want to die.
there's nothing for me in this world. no path no job that's ever gonna fulfill me. there's no future for me.
i can't stay consistent with medication. i don't know if thats the answer for me.
i feel like i'm just being forced to stay on earth against my own will. every day feels like torture
i applied for classes in the fall. i'm not thrilled. just trying to take it one day at a time.