Venting venting for nothing

[Lavínia]

Today my boss told us to focus more on our pending tasks, to resolve them, and not let them pile up so they can come back and overwhelm us. Ha...Ha. What I have most of are pending tasks, I can't get rid of them. One case, another case, and then everything goes around. Doing two, three, seven things at once. New rules. I made mistakes, going back, calling, sending a message, thinking and analyzing. Again, with a difference, maybe another, again. I can't do it all, I can't. I think my performance is slipping, and they're noticing it. I'm noticing. They must be too. This is what I have. That's all. The pending tasks just keep increasing, I can't see them all, out of fear, laziness, or forgetfulness.

I'm writing this drunk, I'm trying to express myself, to write something sincere without connectives or anecdotes. I guess I just want to say I'm tired, I had another crisis today where I didn't know what to do. My heart is racing, I'm walking to get the energy out, but I'm getting more anxious about walking. I'm using the damn candle I bought for therapy to burn my hand and watch the burns. I'm leaving work, drinking every night, and watching my hand burn. I'm trying to burn my torso with a hot spoon and regretting it later, not knowing why I'm doing it. Why? Why?
I really wanted an escape, I wanted to keep going and believe that things will work out. That choosing who I am would work out, but it won't. It can't happen, I try and it doesn't happen. I'm just waiting to die, the date I chose getting closer and closer. And I can't do anything, just wait, just wait for the end, crying. I want to cry, I want to cry so much, what I want most is to cry, but I can't. I can't cry, I don't know why. I want help, I need help, but I don't want to ask. I don't want people to look at me differently. I don't want people, I don't want anything, I don't want to think. I'm so tired, but it feels like I'm just complaining. The person I loved most would never understand this, so what's the point? I don't need others, but if no one will ever understand me, if I'll never be able to express anything, why am I here?

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Because like a lot of people I'm going to guess there's two sides to you

You don't wanna die, but you also don't want to live like this. And the one moment one side has the upper hand and another moment the other side has the upper hand? At least that's how it's for me, mostly.

Is it possible to tell your employer the work is too much for a single person without getting fired?
You said you bought a candle for therapy? So you seeing soneone? Or did you mean aromatherapy?
In which case burning flesh might not be the best smell?

You have a safety plan, for during these crises? I'm not trying to push anything on you, but you sound like you don't want to impulsively harm/die.

You can complain here all you like
We won't judge!

 

[Lavínia]

Because like a lot of people I'm going to guess there's two sides to you

You don't wanna die, but you also don't want to live like this. And the one moment one side has the upper hand and another moment the other side has the upper hand? At least that's how it's for me, mostly.

Is it possible to tell your employer the work is too much for a single person without getting fired?
You said you bought a candle for therapy? So you seeing soneone? Or did you mean aromatherapy?
In which case burning flesh might not be the best smell?

You have a safety plan, for during these crises? I'm not trying to push anything on you, but you sound like you don't want to impulsively harm/die.

You can complain here all you like
We won't judge!

Work is even worse this week. Someone went on vacation and is taking shifts. Half the team is. Everyone is overwhelmed, not just me. I'm dreaming about my work, having nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night, brooding. On my days off, weekends, or any free time, I'm wondering what to do, reminiscing, worrying about when I get back.
I bought the candle to try to distract myself a bit. In the recovery section, there are some tips for relieving anxiety and urges to act out; watching a candle burn was one of them. I tried it, I bought it. It's honey, has a nice, calming scent. It didn't last two days before I used it to hurt myself.
I don't have a crisis plan; I just... try to control my mind, but most of the time I give in to its impulses. I think about confusing, nonsensical things, nonstop, like a tornado tearing through my neurons and howling. I try to memorize things—I've memorized Pi, a poem, song lyrics, prime numbers, formulas—but it just won't stop.

I want to die because I can't imagine living like this, for longer and longer, continuously and endlessly. There's no point.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Work is even worse this week. Someone went on vacation and is taking shifts. Half the team is. Everyone is overwhelmed, not just me. I'm dreaming about my work, having nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night, brooding. On my days off, weekends, or any free time, I'm wondering what to do, reminiscing, worrying about when I get back.
I bought the candle to try to distract myself a bit. In the recovery section, there are some tips for relieving anxiety and urges to act out; watching a candle burn was one of them. I tried it, I bought it. It's honey, has a nice, calming scent. It didn't last two days before I used it to hurt myself.
I don't have a crisis plan; I just... try to control my mind, but most of the time I give in to its impulses. I think about confusing, nonsensical things, nonstop, like a tornado tearing through my neurons and howling. I try to memorize things—I've memorized Pi, a poem, song lyrics, prime numbers, formulas—but it just won't stop.

I want to die because I can't imagine living like this, for longer and longer, continuously and endlessly. There's no point.

It sounds like you are under a horrible amount of stress. Would it be possible to switch jobs? If you take away the source of the stress your head might be a bit more calm as well?
It sounds absolutely horrible! Having nightmares about your work...


Well a crisis or a safety plan could just start out with one spot or you can sit down and not reach anything that can cause harm. So that when you feel the urge coming on, you only have to make it to that certain spot and stay there, which is somehow, at least for me, easier then having whatever you're gonna use to harm yourself in your hands and then have to resist. Maybe it could work?
Is memorizing stuff doesn't help, maybe try breathing exercises or grounding exercises? Maybe AI to get you through the worst or help distract your mind?