Venting Venting about my frustration with being alive

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't know when but I need to prepare for eternal peace soon. The only method that I can realistically do due to my circumstances and neurotype is drowning which sounds absolutely painful of a method but a couple of minutes of the worst pain ever is better than a lifetime of perpetual suffering and misery.

I just- I hate that I'm doing nothing to liberate myself from life. I don't even know if it's a choice for me or not anymore but I know that I have to kill myself no matter what. I just have to otherwise I'll suffer for longer. Please let my pain end already so that I don't have to suffer for longer

I joined this site because I thought that I could finally kill myself peacefully with new knowledge about a suicide method. However, that didn't turn out to be the case as I can't do any of the more peaceful suicide methods anyway.

I will free myself soon but, right now, I'm extremely scared of suicide, not because I like life but because the method I can access is so scary and risky... not to mention at how I would have to do it at daytime as I'm not allowed out at night alone. It's so awful at how I'm still alive when I shouldn't be. It's so awful at how I still have to suffer and there's currently no way out for me

I want to be in peace, that's all I ask for

 

[theboy]

I hope you find peace in the best possible way

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, I understand feeling trapped in this existence, to me it's extreme cruelty how we cannot just all have the option to reliably die in peace. I find it hellish how this society is so anti-suicide with the absence of peaceful, guaranteed ways to die for all.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I'm extremely scared too. I hope one day I can find the courage to finally do it.

 

[UKscotty]

May I ask why you can't do a peaceful method?

Drowning sounds horrible.

There are lots of peaceful, fast methods that are cheap and easy. SN, h2s, CO, intert gas, suspension hanging etc..

When I hear people want to drown, electrocute themselves or burn etc, I always wonder why?

 

[ijustwishtodie]

May I ask why you can't do a peaceful method?

Drowning sounds horrible.

There are lots of peaceful, fast methods that are cheap and easy. SN, h2s, CO, intert gas, suspension hanging etc..

When I hear people want to drown, electrocute themselves or burn etc, I always wonder why?

Because I can't access the other peaceful and fast methods. Due to my autism, I live with parents and my parents are really strict about what I can do or not. People say that I can just defy them since I'm an adult but they have no idea what being dependent on strict parents is like. Defying them means terrible consequences for me and I'm fully dependent on them as I cant do things on my own. This already makes me unable to do the majority of methods that people can do at home. Also, all the methods you list requires me to order a piece of equipment from outside (whether that be SN or charcoal for CO or a rope for suspension hanging or a cylinder for inert gas etc) and my parents will intercept all of these orders and be even stricter with me if they see me order a suicide equipment (i.e. treat me like a prisoner).

I know that there's the option of having things delivered to a PO box instead of home but, once again, because of my autism, I struggle massively to navigate through it. My brain isn't wired to do basic things like that. Hell, if I was even to get a rope for example, I don't know how to tie knots so I can't really use it. I've seen countless videos and tricks to help me tie shoelaces and I still can't tie them so a rope would be the same for me.

Also, I don't think I can ever be independent.

I'm basically forced to use a method that can be done through the human environment instead of at home which, unfortunately, does include methods such as jumping, drowning or train. I can't jump to my death as there aren't really any jumping spots near me and I can't do train either for the same reason. The only method that I can do is drowning as there are quite a few of rivers and lakes near me

This was a bit of a long answer but, in short, I can't do most of the peaceful methods because of autism and my dependence on strict parents

 

[zzeroo]

Because I can't access the other peaceful and fast methods. Due to my autism, I live with parents and my parents are really strict about what I can do or not. People say that I can just defy them since I'm an adult but they have no idea what being dependent on strict parents is like. Defying them means terrible consequences for me and I'm fully dependent on them as I cant do things on my own. This already makes me unable to do the majority of methods that people can do at home. Also, all the methods you list requires me to order a piece of equipment from outside (whether that be SN or charcoal for CO or a rope for suspension hanging or a cylinder for inert gas etc) and my parents will intercept all of these orders and be even stricter with me if they see me order a suicide equipment (i.e. treat me like a prisoner).

I know that there's the option of having things delivered to a PO box instead of home but, once again, because of my autism, I struggle massively to navigate through it. My brain isn't wired to do basic things like that. Hell, if I was even to get a rope for example, I don't know how to tie knots so I can't really use it. I've seen countless videos and tricks to help me tie shoelaces and I still can't tie them so a rope would be the same for me.

Also, I don't think I can ever be independent.

I'm basically forced to use a method that can be done through the human environment instead of at home which, unfortunately, does include methods such as jumping, drowning or train. I can't jump to my death as there aren't really any jumping spots near me and I can't do train either for the same reason. The only method that I can do is drowning as there are quite a few of rivers and lakes near me

This was a bit of a long answer but, in short, I can't do most of the peaceful methods because of autism and my dependence on strict parents

I hope you are able to find peace regardless of what happens…Are you allowed outside without them?

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I hope you are able to find peace regardless of what happens…Are you allowed outside without them?

Yeah, I am allowed outside without my parents but I need a good reason for it. For example, during the day, since I need to go to university, I'm allowed to go alone during then. However, during the night, since I have no good reason to go outside, I can't go and I have to stay at home. I want to ideally do a suicide attempt during night time as that is when I'm less likely to get stopped by random people who happen to be crossing by. For me, doing a suicide attempt during day time is way too risky

 

[zzeroo]

Yeah, I am allowed outside without my parents but I need a good reason for it. For example, during the day, since I need to go to university, I'm allowed to go alone during then. However, during the night, since I have no good reason to go outside, I can't go and I have to stay at home. I want to ideally do a suicide attempt during night time as that is when I'm less likely to get stopped by random people who happen to be crossing by. For me, doing a suicide attempt during day time is way too risky

I understand…Depending on where you are there can be a lot of people passing by which can be off-putting.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I understand…Depending on where you are there can be a lot of people passing by which can be off-putting.

Thanks for understanding. I sometimes get paranoid over others treating me like shit for my situation and I'm glad you aren't one of them as I am really sensitive