pony No.2
Pony
- Oct 22, 2024
- 41
I'm tired of what it takes to just survive, I'm tired of how the planet is fucking dying and nobody cares and it's so depressing to advocate for the environment when everyone, especially my mom, is so ignorant. I'm tired of living in a unusually hot climate when it isn't supposed to be at all. I'm tired of living with trauma and issues that I have to unlearn in order to be a member of society, which I don't want to do. I'm tired of everyone only caring about themselves and can't see how their actions affect others around them. I'm tired of this capitalist country and everything revolving around money. I don't want to deal with people in general. I'm sick of everything this world has to offer.
I was already raised and ruined, I was sexually assaulted, bullied in school and at home, and abused at home by my bitch of a mother who was unhappy because she wasted half her life raising children she didn't want and took it out on me, the unwanted pregnancy, who was a child at the time and had no say in my situation. She always used my helplessness against me when she caused it by not having the patience to teach me basic life skills. She was verbally and physically abusive, and started hitting me when I was only a baby and stopped once I became older because she knew I could speak up and fight for myself, she knew she couldn't scream or beat me for the sake of doing it. As a child I kinda felt she was taking her anger out on me. I don't want therapy, meds, or any help, that won't magically undo everything and it's too much of a hassle.
Even when I had a mental breakdown she laughed and screamed at me. Every conversation with that bitch turns into a lecture despite everything she's done. She's also walked in on me cutting myself multiple times because she doesn't fucking knock. Even with me having a history of depression, suicide attempts, and self harm, she didn't have the heart or basic human empathy to offer support, instead continued to contribute to my issues by being a self centered and ignorant bitch who screams and insults me.
Now I'm a spiteful, bitter and misanthropic adult who hates everyone. She cried when I told her I didn't trust her with my emotions or knowing that I was struggling, when her emotional abuse and neglect literally taught me; showing emotional vulnerability results in backstabbed and having it used against you. She's the biggest hypocrite I've ever met. Why would I trust or love her? Throughout my childhood she's verbally abused and emotionally neglected me, and ruined my self esteem.
What really made me emotionally distance myself from her and lose all respect for her is when she defended her horrible actions by saying I should've been tougher and that I shouldn't be affected by her words, maybe don't say those things to your child and shut the fuck up? And I was just A CHILD, how do you expect a child to "have thick skin" and be mature enough when they're at a crucial stage in development and need all the support and patience they can get? Why are you blaming the child for being affected by your verbal abuse and shitty parenting? Why are you blaming the child for not having control over their emotions when you never taugh them emotional regulation and basically taught them they can scream, slam doors, and be violent towards others when upset?
She wonders why I'm angry all the time. Wondering why I ignore her feelings when I'm returning the same things she put me through as a kid. If she ever has the audacity to cry about how I don't tell her when I'm struggling, I'll say the same thing she told me whenever I cried, "Your tears don't soften my heart". I hope she feels extreme guilt and self hatred when I kill myself, knowing she could've prevented this by just being a decent parent. She also threatened to abandon me whenever she got pissed off. If she was a decent parent I don't think I would've ever self harmed or been suicidal.
I feel bad for myself and that I had to be cursed with an abhorrent mother and a shitty life, whenever I look at pictures of myself as a child or think about childhood in general I feel like sobbing. I just think to myself, "who would ever do or say those things to a child?". I can't live knowing the person who wronged me won't face consequences, but I will for not wanting to be alive or just coping in my own ways after said person caused it. And it's possible I have a chronic illness, so my life sucks.
Long rant over, I don't have a reason to live, this world has nothing to offer me that's worth living for, and some people will have to accept that. My friends are too busy or I'm too busyto properly bond and maintain a friendship, I don't want a future when I can't even deal with the present, I don't want to go through the process of "getting better" because why should I? And climate change will be irreversible and life will be miserable for me and many people. So either way I feel doomed. I'm prolonging my suffering by being too cowardly to take my own life.
I feel like I'm an animal who fiercely defends itself, even from those trying to help since they won't ever know my pain. They wouldn't understand even if they did.
I was already raised and ruined, I was sexually assaulted, bullied in school and at home, and abused at home by my bitch of a mother who was unhappy because she wasted half her life raising children she didn't want and took it out on me, the unwanted pregnancy, who was a child at the time and had no say in my situation. She always used my helplessness against me when she caused it by not having the patience to teach me basic life skills. She was verbally and physically abusive, and started hitting me when I was only a baby and stopped once I became older because she knew I could speak up and fight for myself, she knew she couldn't scream or beat me for the sake of doing it. As a child I kinda felt she was taking her anger out on me. I don't want therapy, meds, or any help, that won't magically undo everything and it's too much of a hassle.
Even when I had a mental breakdown she laughed and screamed at me. Every conversation with that bitch turns into a lecture despite everything she's done. She's also walked in on me cutting myself multiple times because she doesn't fucking knock. Even with me having a history of depression, suicide attempts, and self harm, she didn't have the heart or basic human empathy to offer support, instead continued to contribute to my issues by being a self centered and ignorant bitch who screams and insults me.
Now I'm a spiteful, bitter and misanthropic adult who hates everyone. She cried when I told her I didn't trust her with my emotions or knowing that I was struggling, when her emotional abuse and neglect literally taught me; showing emotional vulnerability results in backstabbed and having it used against you. She's the biggest hypocrite I've ever met. Why would I trust or love her? Throughout my childhood she's verbally abused and emotionally neglected me, and ruined my self esteem.
What really made me emotionally distance myself from her and lose all respect for her is when she defended her horrible actions by saying I should've been tougher and that I shouldn't be affected by her words, maybe don't say those things to your child and shut the fuck up? And I was just A CHILD, how do you expect a child to "have thick skin" and be mature enough when they're at a crucial stage in development and need all the support and patience they can get? Why are you blaming the child for being affected by your verbal abuse and shitty parenting? Why are you blaming the child for not having control over their emotions when you never taugh them emotional regulation and basically taught them they can scream, slam doors, and be violent towards others when upset?
She wonders why I'm angry all the time. Wondering why I ignore her feelings when I'm returning the same things she put me through as a kid. If she ever has the audacity to cry about how I don't tell her when I'm struggling, I'll say the same thing she told me whenever I cried, "Your tears don't soften my heart". I hope she feels extreme guilt and self hatred when I kill myself, knowing she could've prevented this by just being a decent parent. She also threatened to abandon me whenever she got pissed off. If she was a decent parent I don't think I would've ever self harmed or been suicidal.
I feel bad for myself and that I had to be cursed with an abhorrent mother and a shitty life, whenever I look at pictures of myself as a child or think about childhood in general I feel like sobbing. I just think to myself, "who would ever do or say those things to a child?". I can't live knowing the person who wronged me won't face consequences, but I will for not wanting to be alive or just coping in my own ways after said person caused it. And it's possible I have a chronic illness, so my life sucks.
Long rant over, I don't have a reason to live, this world has nothing to offer me that's worth living for, and some people will have to accept that. My friends are too busy or I'm too busyto properly bond and maintain a friendship, I don't want a future when I can't even deal with the present, I don't want to go through the process of "getting better" because why should I? And climate change will be irreversible and life will be miserable for me and many people. So either way I feel doomed. I'm prolonging my suffering by being too cowardly to take my own life.
I feel like I'm an animal who fiercely defends itself, even from those trying to help since they won't ever know my pain. They wouldn't understand even if they did.
