Vent time

[VikingHagstrom]

Hi
So my SN is on the way and I plan to CTB in about a month.

I am glad to have found this relatively peaceful and legal solution thanks to this website.
Some years ago I tried the hard way by slashing my wrists and throat with a cutter but it's way more difficult than it appears in the movies. I ended up in a mental hospital for a few weeks but it wasn't as bad as some users may have experienced (I live in west Europe). I have scars on the arm since then and feel super insecure about showing them so i always wear long leaves.

I m almost 28 and have been addicted to weed then to alcohol since almost ten years already. I did not experience any particular kind of trauma though my mind was always kind of off. I can think clearly most of the time but have impulsive reactions, I have lost all my friends and have no contact with my family (except parents and sibling) because I closed myself entirely. I had like more than 10 different jobs since I am 20 and I always quit even if I was doing a good job. Financially I am always on the edge because i never saved and spent almost everything in alcohol and if I am not living in the streets today it's because of my parents. I had a few girlfriends when I was younger but I always broke up. I hurt so many people.

My parents and my sister will be devastated by what is going to happen and even though I feel relieved to soon be free, I am deeply sad because of how affected my close family will probably be when they learn the news. I will write 3 individual letters to them and an additionnal general one.

I plan to send a delayed email to tell them I am no longer there but I don't want my father who lives close to me to discover my body. And if I don t warn them my body wll probably be in highly decomposed state as I am never visited and live alone.
Who could I warn so the police or firefighters can take my body ?

My life has been punctuated by many failures in every aspects. But the worst in all this is that I have absolutely no goal and no will to get better. It is said that life has no sense but the one you give it but I cannot find one. Does someone feel the same way ?

 

[Toxic Positivity]

I'm sorry you are going through this. The feeling of having hurt many people and failed to thrive is something that sounds familiar. I am 30 without a job or degree or any marketable skill. I act impulsively and don't think things through. And then when I do think things through, the second I stop paying attention is when everything comes crashing down.

I think what you are feeling in contemplating your death makes a lot of sense. Relief at the thought of pain soon being over, but also sadness for how your exit will affect your loved ones. Finances are also very stressful. It sounds like the mental challenges you have dealt with so far have not allowed you to find peace and build something stable for yourself yet.

I wish you were not in so much pain.

 

[VikingHagstrom]

Thank you for your kind message. Yes having no money or barely enough to decently live is super stresful. And yes exactly, I have zero stability and I'd say I've destroyed more than I've built.

I am sorry you also are in this situation of culpability and impulsivity. Maybe you don't need to be skilled to be marketable, there are plenty of things doable without any degree. What do you mean when you say that you stop paying attention ?

 

[Toxic Positivity]

Thank you for your kind message. Yes having no money or barely enough to decently live is super stresful. And yes exactly, I have zero stability and I'd say I've destroyed more than I've built.

I am sorry you also are in this situation of culpability and impulsivity. Maybe you don't need to be skilled to be marketable, there are plenty of things doable without any degree. What do you mean when you say that you stop paying attention ?

When I am stressed, I make old mistakes as if I have never learned from them. Thank you for your words, maybe I will have a good job someday. I wish this for you too. Did anything happen to make you more suicidal lately?

 

[VikingHagstrom]

I think I understand, making the same avoidable mistakes over and over again.
Yes I wish to you that you will find one.
What does a good one mean to you ?

Well I stupidly quit my job last month (after only 2 months) and now I am almost out of money and I have to urgently find another one because in a few months I will have to leave my studio to find another one.

 

[Toxic Positivity]

I think I understand, making the same avoidable mistakes over and over again.
Yes I wish to you that you will find one.
What does a good one mean to you ?

Well I stupidly quit my job last month (after only 2 months) and now I am almost out of money and I have to urgently find another one because in a few months I will have to leave my studio to find another one.

I think a good job for me would be one that did not make me want to kill myself every day. And something I could be proud of, too. I hope you will find a job you like, with good coworkers.

 

[VikingHagstrom]

Thank you, I hope you too will find one that can make you proud and that would be at least a little bit fulfilling

 

[anxious_depressive]

Hi
I feel the same way you do.
I also have no goals, no meaning, no desires in this life.

I just feel very tired and annoyed with everything that is happening.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I can relate to a lot of the things you write. 28 myself. Never saved anything. Always quit jobs as well because... Yeah. And I am isolating. So yeah. SN is my method as well. Thank "God" for SN.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I want nothing to do with life. It is just a pointless struggle for the sake of it and I am not meant for this world. There is nothing for me here. I am sorry that you are suffering so much to get to this point, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[VikingHagstrom]

Hi
I feel the same way you do.
I also have no goals, no meaning, no desires in this life.

I just feel very tired and annoyed with everything that is happening.

Hello there, thanks for your message, I hope that you will get better. This sucks to have no will or anything i get it 100%. what is happening to you ?

I can relate to a lot of the things you write. 28 myself. Never saved anything. Always quit jobs as well because... Yeah. And I am isolating. So yeah. SN is my method as well. Thank "God" for SN.

I am sorry you are experiencing the same stuff and in a way, I am happy to see that you and I are not alone, I have never posted here until today but it is a relief to see many of us are in this dire situation, I fell less alone. Sn is a great way to end it all, I hope you will find something to keep you here before you make this decision.

In my case, I want nothing to do with life. It is just a pointless struggle for the sake of it and I am not meant for this world. There is nothing for me here. I am sorry that you are suffering so much to get to this point, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

It is what I think also, I was not meant to live this life. It makes me sad to see you struggling that much too, maybe there is still something for you here. What would make you happy ? Thank you, I don t have the SN yet i m waiting for the package to arrive but until then It s a reloef to talk with other people

 

[FuneralCry]

It is what I think also, I was not meant to live this life. It makes me sad to see you struggling that much too, maybe there is still something for you here. What would make you happy ? Thank you, I don t have the SN yet i m waiting for the package to arrive but until then I d like to help people to feel better if possible

I think for me the only thing that would make me happy is a peaceful death, I would like to fall asleep and never wake. There really is nothing here for me in this world, I have never wanted to live and nothing would make me want to live.

 

[VikingHagstrom]

I think for me the only thing that would make me happy is a peaceful death, I would like to fall asleep and never wake. There really is nothing here for me in this world, I have never wanted to live and nothing would make me want to live.

If you really want to catch the bus in a peaceful way SN would be the best option I believe.
But if you are on this forum, which is a good thing because you are not alone, you can vent and see that many are in the same state as you are. Maybe you can think about one thing that you would like, what would it be ? For me, even if it s impossible right now it would be to live on the beach a few meters from the sea

 

[FuneralCry]

If you really want to catch the bus in a peaceful way SN would be the best option I believe.
But if you are on this forum, which is a good thing because you are not alone, you can vent and see that many are in the same state as you are. Maybe you can think about one thing that you would like, what would it be ? For me, even if it s impossible right now it would be to live on the beach a few meters from the sea

The one thing that I would like would be a nice long sleep. I just cannot enjoy life in any way, and it is the way I am. There is not much that I want, because I know that I will feel bad no matter what happens.

 

[anxious_depressive]

Hello there, thanks for your message, I hope that you will get better. This sucks to have no will or anything i get it 100%. what is happening to you ?

Thanks.

Oh, it's a very long story.
Years of depression and a lot of mistakes in life.