Hello everyone. I'm just going to vent how I've been feeling lately. I don't have any friends or family to vent to about this to. I just have to vent this or else it will build up and I'll have another session of midnight crying spells.
For the past 4 years, I've been repressing my feelings to transition (mtf). A lot has to do with family, mental illness and genetics. My extended family is rather religious. They were very upset when this was brought to their attention. Most tell me that I'm just a confused man, and the rest have said to me that I'm not trans or gay, because "I've never exhibited stereotypically gay mannerisms while growing up", this is truly because as a single child, my mother and my grandmother would verbally humiliate and shame me for doing anything that is remotely feminine; from shaving my legs, to something as simple as cuffing my pant legs. They would frequently refer to me as "Paul", the dead name of my childhood friend who is transgender.
This unfortunately left me with mental scarring: trust issues and self-harm. Repression is highly-considered a type of self-harm, but I honestly can't help but do it. I always feel like this is my fault. Like, all of my family issues are all my fault. I always tell myself I deserve to be punished or killed for "who I've chosen to be." I believe my family would rather see me hanging from my ceiling or my brain splattered on my carpet than to see me transitioned and happy..
Honestly, I know I'd never pass as a woman, that's probably the biggest reason why I've continued to repress for so long. Body-wise, I've been quite lucky, except my height, but face-wise, I don't look anything like a cis-woman. I understand that passing doesn't validate a transperson any more than one that doesn't pass at all, but I'd like to look more female, than just a blatant man. And I'm not too excited with the fact of having FFS, maybe a few things, but I'd like to be mostly natural, and either way that's a lot of money, I don't believe I'd be able to afford it, ever! But either way, in the end, it wouldn't matter the most.
Internet trans friends I've made, always seem so motivated and proud of who they are, not afraid to show their true selves. Some who even have accepting families. And especially those who transitioned at a young age, and pass well... It truly makes me envious. I wish I was like them though. I wish I wouldn't repress these feelings, because, consciously I know it does more harm than good..
At this point, I'm not sure when I'll transition, maybe I never will. I hope I do though, no matter how old I am, I just want to be happy for once, that's all I want. I just want to be myself and to be comfortable in my own skin like everyone else..
Anyway, this is all for my venting session. I apologize.
For the past 4 years, I've been repressing my feelings to transition (mtf). A lot has to do with family, mental illness and genetics. My extended family is rather religious. They were very upset when this was brought to their attention. Most tell me that I'm just a confused man, and the rest have said to me that I'm not trans or gay, because "I've never exhibited stereotypically gay mannerisms while growing up", this is truly because as a single child, my mother and my grandmother would verbally humiliate and shame me for doing anything that is remotely feminine; from shaving my legs, to something as simple as cuffing my pant legs. They would frequently refer to me as "Paul", the dead name of my childhood friend who is transgender.
This unfortunately left me with mental scarring: trust issues and self-harm. Repression is highly-considered a type of self-harm, but I honestly can't help but do it. I always feel like this is my fault. Like, all of my family issues are all my fault. I always tell myself I deserve to be punished or killed for "who I've chosen to be." I believe my family would rather see me hanging from my ceiling or my brain splattered on my carpet than to see me transitioned and happy..
Honestly, I know I'd never pass as a woman, that's probably the biggest reason why I've continued to repress for so long. Body-wise, I've been quite lucky, except my height, but face-wise, I don't look anything like a cis-woman. I understand that passing doesn't validate a transperson any more than one that doesn't pass at all, but I'd like to look more female, than just a blatant man. And I'm not too excited with the fact of having FFS, maybe a few things, but I'd like to be mostly natural, and either way that's a lot of money, I don't believe I'd be able to afford it, ever! But either way, in the end, it wouldn't matter the most.
Internet trans friends I've made, always seem so motivated and proud of who they are, not afraid to show their true selves. Some who even have accepting families. And especially those who transitioned at a young age, and pass well... It truly makes me envious. I wish I was like them though. I wish I wouldn't repress these feelings, because, consciously I know it does more harm than good..
At this point, I'm not sure when I'll transition, maybe I never will. I hope I do though, no matter how old I am, I just want to be happy for once, that's all I want. I just want to be myself and to be comfortable in my own skin like everyone else..
Anyway, this is all for my venting session. I apologize.
