Gomomon
The Mentally Loud Overthinker
- Feb 24, 2026
- 109
Well am I embarrassed or am I embarrassed, LMAO. I didn't even have a particularly bad night on the bad night scale, like still horrible but I've actually had way worse days. But I decided to just bombshell everything for some reason like lack of inhibitions and drugs and stuff, also I've started caring less and less recently about other people, people continually make me feel like shit so I need to be braver about doing the same in return, personally I'd rather have no connection to anyone in my life and live a life of solitude so I can get all the annoyances out of the way. Took probably a large dose of mushrooms? I didn't have the grams or anything. It was the entire stem and no head and they're pretty long, I also heard the stem is more potent anyway. Shit went on for hours but I had some fun at least along with the major major bad shit I'll get into in a minute.
So at first I went for a walk, felt a little better, stopped crying and writing in my diary, got my earbuds, walked to the park and laid down and looked at the clouds changing. My temperature was way out of whack tho and my anal fissure...Tmi....was giving me trouble but I tried to look past it. It's funny how fine or relatively fine I was leaving the house v.s coming back, and I knew it too. I knew I'd feel worse being back in my room but I came back anyway cause…what else was I supposed to do? I finished my objective and all. There's nowhere else for me to go, I feel trapped here...but what other choice do I have. Gotta piss and get water afterall. Honestly I would've been fine just having the house to myself playing music and laying on the floor drinking water or taking a shower, but my roommate was home being loud outside my room unpacking taking up the whole apartment so I trapped myself in there and like didnt even wanna go to the bathroom or anything.
So essentially I just um, made a mess of myself last night. It wasn't even a breakdown more so as a confession. I chatted with my friends about how bad I've been doing and how much I want to die. At least its not hanging over my head anymore and they can finally accept i'm someone who isnt gonna change, I get into deep shit and fuck around and find out and other people end up worrying about me, its a heavily unbalanced unhealthy relationship that deserves to end abruptly, I'm doing whats best for them by cutting them off once and for all. Maybe not for me but I'm tired of this shame, I'm not even someone that can get along with or be presentable around friends anymore so whats the point. I'll always be relying on them more than the other way around, sucking positivity out of every room. Toxic.
I am not heated, I'm not mad, I don't get mad or upset. I get frustrated, annoyed, indecisive and confusing or weird, cause I'm always uncomfortable a hundred percent of the time. I do things on a whim, I repeat the same mistakes, and I sink further and further into my own closed off little world, might as well make it official and shut everyone out and be even more honest. Honesty can hurt and be a bitch, but the truth will lose everyone even close to me even faster and that's a good thing. Regardless of the whole me making it easier for them when I do leave, I think I don't deserve their company anyhow. I'm trying to do at least one good act here.
So yada yada. Basically I told my friends I want to leave and go back to home to my mom or drop college and that I can't handle being here or being around roommates. I told my friend that doesnt know that I tried to kill myself in new years, and multiple times in the past, which I had a suspicion she might of known anyway cause shes smart or something and I was right about that, apparently she knew a nurse or some bizz, go figure they were all filipino no joke, so that's probably why they knew her. If she knew this the whole time tho then wouldnt she understand? Noone does, I don't get it, not that I know in real life anyhow. They say they do but they lie. This feeling I can't live with it, things have not been getting better for me here or what I've been doing, I've been itching in my skin to escape every second of every passing day, it's all I think about. If you knew it all along why didn't you at least say something to me, why do you continue to be mean and judgemental or pretend like you understand when you don't, you say i'm in a good spot and that I have good friends and I'm doing what I want to do. I havent "wanted" anything for a long long time, I have just been living meaninglessly, doing what others tell me to do, even if I maybe had some aspirations as a kid to be an animator there's nothing left in me that cares.
I mean I do have good friends but idk that just feels....is that really enough to keep me going? Not really, if everything was good in my life wouldn't you think I would be? Noones ever there when I want them to be anyhow, I'm alone 99.9% of the time. I've done all the right shit, there is no getting mentally back to pursue my education again when that's all I've been doing and it's getting nowhere. I just get a bunch of fake reassuring nonsense that goes through one of my ears and out the other, genuinely sounds like some bullcrap I've heard a thousand times over, like whenever I get like this people turn off the human switch and switch to an A.I hotline mode and I can't take them seriously anymore. Maybe people are afraid if they're honest it would encourage me to do bad things, but is that such a bad thing? I've done it for other people. People have probably killed themselves because of my encouragement but I couldn't care less, at least I was someone who they could actually rely on and receive human advice and understanding, whatever they do is not my choice in the matter it does not concern me.
Then you have to go off and send the fire alarm on me, the bombshell. They sent an officer to do a welfare check. I suppose most people would argue what else were they supposed to do in that situation but idk, not that. I hate that. Ohh only one guy is gonna show up to check on you. Gets a full ass squat team in my face at the door when I'm puffy eyed and just frankly tired and perfectly fine, how am I gonna explain that to my roommates? "Fine" as in not going to kill myself simply because I don't have the means. I'm glad I don't think they noticed. Thank god they didn't mention the mushrooms, I was already pretty down to earth by the time they came so maybe they didn't sense any red flags and dipped, good riddance. What a nuisance.
Who would've thought doing mushies would've made me more stubborn, maybe it rewired my brain back and tangled it even more, knotting it in its place. Now I don't want to deal with anyone. I mean I've been done, internally I've quit, I've quit but technically I have no choice but to live because I'm not dead, and trying to be a corpse doesn't work unless you're actually gone so it's no use. I'm just kicking my feet and lifting dirt into the air until either I'm nothing like this anymore, or some magical opportunity like a genie in a bottle comes and whisks me away, like if the popo dropped their gun i'd make a running for it and stick that glock as far down my throat as possible.
Everything I truly "want" is just some relief, if I could "want" anything. If that's death so be it, there's barely any other alternative that brings me any relief. People just stress me out and give me anxiety and problems. I like to deal with my own problems for once if I can, even if I know currently it's not possible.
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Anyway I know its a bit confusing but I basically vented to my friends, felt guilty about doing it to them because they got so worried and I've done this in the past before that I cut them off and blocked contact. I really just want to make it easier for them when I do either take SN or hang myself, I dont really deserve to have friends with the way that I am, I feel shame and guilt yeah but also its more like mortification than earnest guilt, I think its too selfish to hold onto such a one-sided relationship between me and all of them, its unhealthy.
So at first I went for a walk, felt a little better, stopped crying and writing in my diary, got my earbuds, walked to the park and laid down and looked at the clouds changing. My temperature was way out of whack tho and my anal fissure...Tmi....was giving me trouble but I tried to look past it. It's funny how fine or relatively fine I was leaving the house v.s coming back, and I knew it too. I knew I'd feel worse being back in my room but I came back anyway cause…what else was I supposed to do? I finished my objective and all. There's nowhere else for me to go, I feel trapped here...but what other choice do I have. Gotta piss and get water afterall. Honestly I would've been fine just having the house to myself playing music and laying on the floor drinking water or taking a shower, but my roommate was home being loud outside my room unpacking taking up the whole apartment so I trapped myself in there and like didnt even wanna go to the bathroom or anything.
So essentially I just um, made a mess of myself last night. It wasn't even a breakdown more so as a confession. I chatted with my friends about how bad I've been doing and how much I want to die. At least its not hanging over my head anymore and they can finally accept i'm someone who isnt gonna change, I get into deep shit and fuck around and find out and other people end up worrying about me, its a heavily unbalanced unhealthy relationship that deserves to end abruptly, I'm doing whats best for them by cutting them off once and for all. Maybe not for me but I'm tired of this shame, I'm not even someone that can get along with or be presentable around friends anymore so whats the point. I'll always be relying on them more than the other way around, sucking positivity out of every room. Toxic.
I am not heated, I'm not mad, I don't get mad or upset. I get frustrated, annoyed, indecisive and confusing or weird, cause I'm always uncomfortable a hundred percent of the time. I do things on a whim, I repeat the same mistakes, and I sink further and further into my own closed off little world, might as well make it official and shut everyone out and be even more honest. Honesty can hurt and be a bitch, but the truth will lose everyone even close to me even faster and that's a good thing. Regardless of the whole me making it easier for them when I do leave, I think I don't deserve their company anyhow. I'm trying to do at least one good act here.
So yada yada. Basically I told my friends I want to leave and go back to home to my mom or drop college and that I can't handle being here or being around roommates. I told my friend that doesnt know that I tried to kill myself in new years, and multiple times in the past, which I had a suspicion she might of known anyway cause shes smart or something and I was right about that, apparently she knew a nurse or some bizz, go figure they were all filipino no joke, so that's probably why they knew her. If she knew this the whole time tho then wouldnt she understand? Noone does, I don't get it, not that I know in real life anyhow. They say they do but they lie. This feeling I can't live with it, things have not been getting better for me here or what I've been doing, I've been itching in my skin to escape every second of every passing day, it's all I think about. If you knew it all along why didn't you at least say something to me, why do you continue to be mean and judgemental or pretend like you understand when you don't, you say i'm in a good spot and that I have good friends and I'm doing what I want to do. I havent "wanted" anything for a long long time, I have just been living meaninglessly, doing what others tell me to do, even if I maybe had some aspirations as a kid to be an animator there's nothing left in me that cares.
I mean I do have good friends but idk that just feels....is that really enough to keep me going? Not really, if everything was good in my life wouldn't you think I would be? Noones ever there when I want them to be anyhow, I'm alone 99.9% of the time. I've done all the right shit, there is no getting mentally back to pursue my education again when that's all I've been doing and it's getting nowhere. I just get a bunch of fake reassuring nonsense that goes through one of my ears and out the other, genuinely sounds like some bullcrap I've heard a thousand times over, like whenever I get like this people turn off the human switch and switch to an A.I hotline mode and I can't take them seriously anymore. Maybe people are afraid if they're honest it would encourage me to do bad things, but is that such a bad thing? I've done it for other people. People have probably killed themselves because of my encouragement but I couldn't care less, at least I was someone who they could actually rely on and receive human advice and understanding, whatever they do is not my choice in the matter it does not concern me.
Then you have to go off and send the fire alarm on me, the bombshell. They sent an officer to do a welfare check. I suppose most people would argue what else were they supposed to do in that situation but idk, not that. I hate that. Ohh only one guy is gonna show up to check on you. Gets a full ass squat team in my face at the door when I'm puffy eyed and just frankly tired and perfectly fine, how am I gonna explain that to my roommates? "Fine" as in not going to kill myself simply because I don't have the means. I'm glad I don't think they noticed. Thank god they didn't mention the mushrooms, I was already pretty down to earth by the time they came so maybe they didn't sense any red flags and dipped, good riddance. What a nuisance.
Who would've thought doing mushies would've made me more stubborn, maybe it rewired my brain back and tangled it even more, knotting it in its place. Now I don't want to deal with anyone. I mean I've been done, internally I've quit, I've quit but technically I have no choice but to live because I'm not dead, and trying to be a corpse doesn't work unless you're actually gone so it's no use. I'm just kicking my feet and lifting dirt into the air until either I'm nothing like this anymore, or some magical opportunity like a genie in a bottle comes and whisks me away, like if the popo dropped their gun i'd make a running for it and stick that glock as far down my throat as possible.
Everything I truly "want" is just some relief, if I could "want" anything. If that's death so be it, there's barely any other alternative that brings me any relief. People just stress me out and give me anxiety and problems. I like to deal with my own problems for once if I can, even if I know currently it's not possible.
__________________________________________________________________
Anyway I know its a bit confusing but I basically vented to my friends, felt guilty about doing it to them because they got so worried and I've done this in the past before that I cut them off and blocked contact. I really just want to make it easier for them when I do either take SN or hang myself, I dont really deserve to have friends with the way that I am, I feel shame and guilt yeah but also its more like mortification than earnest guilt, I think its too selfish to hold onto such a one-sided relationship between me and all of them, its unhealthy.
