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dinosavr

dinosavr

and if i’m turning blue please don’t save me 🌛
Dec 14, 2023
632
I go back and forth between suicide and recovery forum because the storm in my head has not been silent for around 5 months now and I'm still trying to figure it all out.

But I just came up with a perfect example for a metaphor of how I feel like and I wonder if anyone of you relate to it.

I am like a spoiled child who wants its mom to buy it another toy but the mom says no and the kid starts screaming and crying in the middle of the store even though it's perfectly aware that mom is right - other kids don't get toys so easily either, and they don't cry, they just enjoy the toys that they already have. They don't make such a big deal out of it.

And that's where's my problem, I guess. Whenever I finally admit I have a problem and that it is in fact depression lying to me about "faking it", I get the feeling that I am selfish, stubborn and just a burden to others who struggle with their own problems and why would they ever care about mine? The more that I barely even talk to them about theirs. There's no way I could support them in exchange. I know the world's not fair, but come on, I don't want to be the one who is responsible for that.

It's just that I think what is required for getting better is wanting to get better. And I dont think I want to. I'm a spoiled child who doesn't really have any reasons why not try a little harder. I can't even describe it, it's sooooo unreasonable. But I feel the need to lay down on this fucking floor and cry for attention and whenever I get attention, I immediately feel guilty. And even though I'm aware of it, there's not much I can do about it. I'm stuck!!!!!! And I have nowhere to go. There's nothing the mom can do to calm down the child.

Every day I dream about having my family tell me "it's okay, you don't have to worry anymore, you can die, we're with you no matter what" and then support me with it so I can finally be at peace. What's stopping me the most from dying is not necessarily not wanting to hurt them because human kind is selfish as hell. But the real issue for me is that I'll have to do it all by myself. And I don't mean just physically being nervous and not getting any mental support. But, unless they ever feel the same thing, they will probably never be able to accept my decision. And even though sometimes I don't really care that much about it (after all, I'd be too busy being dead to care) but I think subconsciously I can't really let it go. They gave me so much, they loved me, they supported me, always, and that's how I'm paying them back?

Do you have any ways to cope with being stuck on the toy store aisle?
 
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Ichigo

Ichigo

Member
Jun 15, 2023
66
I have no advice for you but i just wanted to tell you i like your style of writing. It's honest and thoughtful.
 
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ConfusedClouds

Experienced
Mar 9, 2024
222
Nor can I put a finger on what to say in response, but I can very much relate to what you are explaining, thanks for your words and experience.

No matter what people say, I find I will naturally rebel with 'yea but' and want to argue the opposite. With myself, with others, with my therapist. So rude. And gets noone anywhere. I find I have to try approaching everything with complete objective logic to make any decisions. Except its never possible to get every possible fact in line, so I'm stuck feeling like I argue with no backing. So I shut myself up/mute myself and sit on my hands again - if I can't say anything truthful or beneficial.

It is so frustrating not being able to communicate like an adult. I would be interested to hear if anyone else has any coping strategies other than straight avoidance. 🫂
 
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LaughingGoat

Mage
Apr 11, 2024
597
First thing is I'll say is I do give you credit for being able to recognize the issue and put it in such a good description, most people with a "spoiled" mindset struggle to recognize their tendencies. Regarding working on it, in my experience working with people with NPD and other personality disorders (not saying you have them, just there are some overlapping symptoms), the bulk of the work is in adjusting your mindset and backing it up with action. For instance, spending time watching your thoughts throughout the day and challenging them when you have thoughts that are purely self-centered to see it from an objective or other person's perspective.

Additionally, having goals to do certain things like forcing yourself to ask how other people are doing or about something you know they're struggling with and asking follow-up questions. Volunteering can also give a really good perspective shift, as it's a time where you can specifically help others and work on keeping the focus on others during that time, trying to minimize thinking about yourself during that time.

Changing entrenched thought patterns like this is a lengthy process since it often has roots in childhood experiences, but I've seen people make significant progress when they apply themselves to it.
 
dinosavr

dinosavr

and if i’m turning blue please don’t save me 🌛
Dec 14, 2023
632
First thing is I'll say is I do give you credit for being able to recognize the issue and put it in such a good description, most people with a "spoiled" mindset struggle to recognize their tendencies. Regarding working on it, in my experience working with people with NPD and other personality disorders (not saying you have them, just there are some overlapping symptoms), the bulk of the work is in adjusting your mindset and backing it up with action. For instance, spending time watching your thoughts throughout the day and challenging them when you have thoughts that are purely self-centered to see it from an objective or other person's perspective.

Additionally, having goals to do certain things like forcing yourself to ask how other people are doing or about something you know they're struggling with and asking follow-up questions. Volunteering can also give a really good perspective shift, as it's a time where you can specifically help others and work on keeping the focus on others during that time, trying to minimize thinking about yourself during that time.

Changing entrenched thought patterns like this is a lengthy process since it often has roots in childhood experiences, but I've seen people make significant progress when they apply themselves to it.
Thank you for your answer! I know it for sure that I am capable of caring for others and I think that I actually am quite supportive already, when my mind is switched on recovery. I think the problem is that I don't have any reason to keep going but to not hurt others. I care for them for real but maintaining positive approach is almost impossible without having more egoistic reasons. That's why no matter how hard I try to believe them, no matter how high doses of antidepressants I take, I always end up back where I was, wishing that one day I'll be determined enough to let it go and deal with it my way for a change, by catching the bus.
Btw, I actually am diagnosed with avoidant and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder so I guess it doesn't really help me with depression. Living in constant tension that allows me to relax only when I'm in my comfort zone doesn't seem like a life that's worth living to me. But yeah, anyway I'm still trying :)
 
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RosebyAnyName

RosebyAnyName

Staring at the ceiling for 6 hours
Nov 9, 2023
128
I relate to this too. "Am I actually struggling, or am I just not willing to take responsibility for myself?" Which also leads to: "Do people actually care about me, or are they just pretending to care to try and stop me from being 'disruptive'?" Like if the parent of your analogy gives the child the toy just to get them to stop complaining, but with no actual love behind the action.
Sorry I don't have any advice, the only thing that's helped me is trying to be more self-sufficient so I don't have to rely on others so much.
 
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derpyderpins

derpyderpins

Proud Normie
Sep 19, 2023
1,336
I go back and forth between suicide and recovery forum because the storm in my head has not been silent for around 5 months now and I'm still trying to figure it all out.

But I just came up with a perfect example for a metaphor of how I feel like and I wonder if anyone of you relate to it.

I am like a spoiled child who wants its mom to buy it another toy but the mom says no and the kid starts screaming and crying in the middle of the store even though it's perfectly aware that mom is right - other kids don't get toys so easily either, and they don't cry, they just enjoy the toys that they already have. They don't make such a big deal out of it.

And that's where's my problem, I guess. Whenever I finally admit I have a problem and that it is in fact depression lying to me about "faking it", I get the feeling that I am selfish, stubborn and just a burden to others who struggle with their own problems and why would they ever care about mine? The more that I barely even talk to them about theirs. There's no way I could support them in exchange. I know the world's not fair, but come on, I don't want to be the one who is responsible for that.

It's just that I think what is required for getting better is wanting to get better. And I dont think I want to. I'm a spoiled child who doesn't really have any reasons why not try a little harder. I can't even describe it, it's sooooo unreasonable. But I feel the need to lay down on this fucking floor and cry for attention and whenever I get attention, I immediately feel guilty. And even though I'm aware of it, there's not much I can do about it. I'm stuck!!!!!! And I have nowhere to go. There's nothing the mom can do to calm down the child.

Every day I dream about having my family tell me "it's okay, you don't have to worry anymore, you can die, we're with you no matter what" and then support me with it so I can finally be at peace. What's stopping me the most from dying is not necessarily not wanting to hurt them because human kind is selfish as hell. But the real issue for me is that I'll have to do it all by myself. And I don't mean just physically being nervous and not getting any mental support. But, unless they ever feel the same thing, they will probably never be able to accept my decision. And even though sometimes I don't really care that much about it (after all, I'd be too busy being dead to care) but I think subconsciously I can't really let it go. They gave me so much, they loved me, they supported me, always, and that's how I'm paying them back?

Do you have any ways to cope with being stuck on the toy store aisle?
I relate to a lot of this. Trying to figure some of it out myself, but I'll say:

  • You acknowledge your issues... What would you say to someone you care about suffering the same way? Would you resent them? Try to be as good to yourself as you are to them
  • Knowing we're flawed, we should try to deposit into the communal bank whenever possible to make up for our withdrawals. A smile here or there; letting something go that upsets you; patiently listening... Just try to be good to people when we can to make up for our flaws.
  • Work on the selfishness problem a little at a time. Even if the first step is feeling the exact same way but acknowledging out loud that you know it's flawed.
 
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L

LaughingGoat

Mage
Apr 11, 2024
597
Thank you for your answer! I know it for sure that I am capable of caring for others and I think that I actually am quite supportive already, when my mind is switched on recovery. I think the problem is that I don't have any reason to keep going but to not hurt others. I care for them for real but maintaining positive approach is almost impossible without having more egoistic reasons. That's why no matter how hard I try to believe them, no matter how high doses of antidepressants I take, I always end up back where I was, wishing that one day I'll be determined enough to let it go and deal with it my way for a change, by catching the bus.
Btw, I actually am diagnosed with avoidant and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder so I guess it doesn't really help me with depression. Living in constant tension that allows me to relax only when I'm in my comfort zone doesn't seem like a life that's worth living to me. But yeah, anyway I'm still trying :)
Got it, that info illuminates your situation a lot more. I can definitely say even with having a personal meaning to my life through that approach, it doesn't necessarily eliminate desire to ctb; at least not for me. For reference, got depression and not diagnosed avoidant, but definitely have a lot of the typical symptoms. Can't relate to the OCD but am aware how difficult that can make things. So I will say it's typical for people like us to cycle and feel like you're back where you were, even doing things we hold as meaningful. My personal theory is that I wouldn't ever live without any suicidal thoughts. When things are tougher internally, I do my best to maintain the parts of my life that hold meaning and eventually get through it.
 
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Chinaski

Chinaski

Arthur Scargill appreciator
Sep 1, 2018
3,105
I go back and forth between suicide and recovery forum because the storm in my head has not been silent for around 5 months now and I'm still trying to figure it all out.

But I just came up with a perfect example for a metaphor of how I feel like and I wonder if anyone of you relate to it.

I am like a spoiled child who wants its mom to buy it another toy but the mom says no and the kid starts screaming and crying in the middle of the store even though it's perfectly aware that mom is right - other kids don't get toys so easily either, and they don't cry, they just enjoy the toys that they already have. They don't make such a big deal out of it.

And that's where's my problem, I guess. Whenever I finally admit I have a problem and that it is in fact depression lying to me about "faking it", I get the feeling that I am selfish, stubborn and just a burden to others who struggle with their own problems and why would they ever care about mine? The more that I barely even talk to them about theirs. There's no way I could support them in exchange. I know the world's not fair, but come on, I don't want to be the one who is responsible for that.

It's just that I think what is required for getting better is wanting to get better. And I dont think I want to. I'm a spoiled child who doesn't really have any reasons why not try a little harder. I can't even describe it, it's sooooo unreasonable. But I feel the need to lay down on this fucking floor and cry for attention and whenever I get attention, I immediately feel guilty. And even though I'm aware of it, there's not much I can do about it. I'm stuck!!!!!! And I have nowhere to go. There's nothing the mom can do to calm down the child.

Every day I dream about having my family tell me "it's okay, you don't have to worry anymore, you can die, we're with you no matter what" and then support me with it so I can finally be at peace. What's stopping me the most from dying is not necessarily not wanting to hurt them because human kind is selfish as hell. But the real issue for me is that I'll have to do it all by myself. And I don't mean just physically being nervous and not getting any mental support. But, unless they ever feel the same thing, they will probably never be able to accept my decision. And even though sometimes I don't really care that much about it (after all, I'd be too busy being dead to care) but I think subconsciously I can't really let it go. They gave me so much, they loved me, they supported me, always, and that's how I'm paying them back?

Do you have any ways to cope with being stuck on the toy store aisle?
Very very honest post, can sympathise in many ways yet unfortunately am unable to advise in any way but jsyk l liked what you wrote, for all that's worth
 
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