Urgently wanting to die and wishing I had died instead of my coworker

[wantingdignity]

I have tried everything. No areas of my life feel good. There was a traumatic event at my job. Four were instantly killed. I had traded shifts. Ever since, I have been a zombie. My anxiety is so intense that it physically hurts. More of my coworkers died afterwards and two of my relatives (all from unrelated instances). My partner of 8 years left me after I told him I was suicidal. He said it was too much for him and that it made him realize I wasn't his person. I'm alone, likely not ever going to be able to go back to my dream job, afraid to leave the house, unbearably lonely, and have not been happy since the accident months ago. I am seeing the world go to absolute shit around me. I don't have any hope. I have tried everything. Everyone knows I'm suicidal. I've tried everything to get better. I wish it was me who died instead of the new girl. I wish it was me and that I had died with dignity instead of turning into the shell of a person that I am now. I have tried everything and it's only gotten worse.

I think I will probably jump in a few days. I would do it now, but my friend is watching me and I don't want her to feel responsible. I know I need to do things to get ready for it as well. I really want to just get it over with.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to be gone, I just wish to be free from the suffering as well but anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find peace.

 

[BlueLock]

I'm so sorry, I hope you find some peace.

 

[FishRain3469]

My goodness, I'm sorry. I can't even fathom. Thoughts and prayers to you always.